Friday, June 26, 2009

Atrocious Stadium - Minute Maid Park

Minute Maid Park was doomed from its first day back in 2000 to be a shitty ballpark forever.

There are numerous reasons for this distinction including, but not limited to, this list:
  • The fucking Astros play there. I hate them.
  • This fucker threw out the first pitch ever in the stadium.
  • This douche roamed its field for too many years just so that he could set shitty records like "most number of bean balls taken with pussy armor on."
  • It was named Enron Field.
Those are just a few that I could think of before I started getting a massive headache thinking about how much I hate the Houston Astros and Enron Field. Hold on, I need to take a quick break to regain my thoughts now.

Alright, I feel much better now. Whew.

However, by far the worst part about Cheney Corruption Field is the layout of it. You know what I mean... look at the actual field:

First, there is that terrible leftfield porch that even Eddie Gaedel could pop one over. In watching games over the years, I'm fairly sure that 300 of Sosa's dingers and all 449 of Jeff Bagwell's homers are due to that 315 ft leftfield wall.

Then, you shift a little towards center, and you find that giant gap that is created by the drawn-in leftfield. This makes completely no sense because it essentially creates an area out of view to anyone sitting in the stands or watching on TV if the is ball hit back there. Completely logical, especially considering that the point of the field is to allow the fans to fucking watch the game. Only the Astros would screw this up. That janky gap also creates situations like the other night in which Jason Michaels (huge douche, look at his hair) can pretend he caught the ball in order to try and win the game. Also, Ed Wade knows how to put together a roster really well since he signed this nimble fielder to cover all that ground in the janky gap.

I understand what they were trying to do with that leftfield and gap. The Astros, like every other team getting a new stadium, were trying to create a ballpark with unique nooks and crannies similar to that of older parks. But they completely failed.

The most epic example of the organization's failure is this:

Seriously. What the fuck? Who puts a fucking hill in the middle of the field. A HILL! Even I played on fields that were completely flat back in little league! Come on!

All it has done over the years is making 'Stros outfielders look like idiots while allowing one man to laugh in the faces of those who tried to stop him and his golden glove.

And then you can't forget about that centerfield pole that you can see in the picture above. If you notice, you can't even see the yellow line in that shot because it is so fucking high off the ground. Really? If I crush the ball 550 feet to center, but it hits your gay pole, I am only rewarded with a double (of course, I would be admiring my blast while trotting to first)? I really wish that players could still be roided out just so that one could destroy a ball, hit that pole, flip out with roid rage, and then choke every member of the Astros organization in anger over not having hit a home run. That would make my day.

That's right Houston, you have a shitty stadium. That's why this felt so good. I only wish that blast had knocked your entire P.O.S. stadium to the ground.


  1. please spell check your column titles before posting them.

    also, fenway is shorter to left, tropicana is the same, new yankee stadium is roughly the same,and the giants is shorter to right.

  2. i see you fixed that before i finished commenting

  3. Counter arguments:

    Fenway - Giant wall!
    Tropicana - Also shitty stadium... future posting.
    New Yankee - 399 in left center, Enron is only 362. So, Yankee stadium progressively gets deeper all along left while Enron has that really short porch for a long stretch.
    ATT - That was built for Bonds, obviously. It is indeed short; however, the wind blowing in from the bay knocks a lot of those balls down.

  4. atleast i got you to realize something there, its more about the way the ball carries in the stadium itself than how far the fence is. The Cell is 330 to left and wrigley is 355 but the ball still jumps out of both those parks during the summer

  5. Please stop talking down to the writers of this blog. We are clearly better than you. Stop trying.

    Elitist Comment. Check.

  6. Yankee Stadium (and Fenway) both have way short right field fences. But I agree 100% with Cooly, everything that smokes pole (get the pun? get it?!) about the Houston Astros franchise is physically captured in this awful, awful stadium.

    I read a Q&A with Berkman (I don't spell check his name because he doesn't deserve to have his name spelled correctly) a few years back, and he was asked what his least favorite place to play was. He said he'd be happy if they blew up Wrigley tomorrow.

    To which I reply, I wish if I could choose a place in the United States for Osama Bin Laden to detonate a dirty bomb, I'd choose Minute Maid Park.

  7. I obviously understand how weather changes ballparks. I've been to games at Wrigley AND taken MET 101, so I'm pretty much an expert.

    It is obvious that during the summer, the air heats up, and more balls start flying out.

    Now, if anything, what you have presented, Bob, makes Enron even shittier because it has a much shorter porch than Comiskey or Wrigley AND it is fucking hot down in Texas for a much longer period of time.

    They should have just stayed in the badass Astrodome, which always reminded me of the future. That would have been a good place to test out a hologram strike zone.

  8. Lance Berkman's stats this season: 15 HR, 51 RBI, .420 OBP, .536 SLUG, 27.4 VORP

    Berkman's VORP last 3 years:
    68.7, 44.8, 72.5

    Don't mess with Puma!

  9. Zach,

    1. You really love that Baseball Prospectus account, don't you?

    2. I think you will be hard-pressed to find Fat Elvis supporters here.

  10. I am a fan of stats that make sense, unlike batting average, which sucks.

  11. Way to win the 18,000,000 points, asshole. How are we supposed to get readership when you are stealing all the points?

  12. I will only post sabermetric stats from now on. Someone has to keep FJM alive.

  13. To counteract your stat usage, I will only use personal observances from now on.

  14. Buzz Bissinger has my back.

  15. He also has gone on angry tirades screaming incoherently about how bloggers are full of shit. And how statistics don't mean anything.

    Fuck you, and your thinking that Tony LaRussa/David Eckstein love.

  16. AT&T may have been built for Bonds, but it is still hard to hit them out in left. Look at the number of spalsh hits there (one that went into the bay).

    56 total HR's
    Bonds - 35
    Other Giants - 13
    Visiting Team - 18