Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Cooly's New Man Crush

I wanted to wait a few days for my emotions to settle before I finally wrote this post. After waiting three-ish days, I think I can finally express my feelings into words while sounding like a thirteen-year-old girl writing about the Jonas Brothers only about half the time.

As you may have well heard, Mark DeRosa is now a Cardinal. In the most inevitable split of the summer other than Jon and Kate, the Indians finally decided to deal DeRosa last Saturday. Even though he was a Cub for the past two seasons, I have always loved... I mean, respected him since he was the only one who didn't suck other than Samardzija. I could have not been more ecstatic about how things worked out for the following reasons:

1. We really needed a third baseman. No contender in the history of baseball has ever started a combination worse than Joe Thurston (career minor leaguer for the Dodgers), Brian Barden (career minor leaguer for the D-Backs), David Freese (who had never played above AA before the season started), and Tyler Greene (career minor leaguer for the Cards) at third. It was awful watching Tony march this handful of below replacement level players out game after game. DeRosa finally gives us someone we can put at the hot corner every day and not have to hide our heads in shame for doing so.

2. Did you see what we dealt for him?!?! Chris Perez and a player to be named later? Really? That's all Shapiro could get? I was shocked when I heard this news from Zach via text on Saturday. It caused me to go nuts while riding in Dave's backseat, the celebration included a few Rocky-like headrest punches. I was ecstatic.

I knew that the Cards were in the lead of the DeRosa sweepstakes, which worried me because I thought we would have to give up way too much in order to get him. I was thinking Shapiro would require Perez, Freese, and another player or Brett Wallace himself. But no, all he wanted was Perez. I gaurantee that Mozeliak had to hold back laughter when Shapiro accepted that deal.

Chris Perez is not good; I've watched him over the past few years. Garbage. (Plus he is a player of the Jeremy Brown body type) He will never turn into the closer that was expected of him all because LaRussa fucked with his head the past two seasons. And then, icing on top of the cake, here is Perez's stat line from his game against the White Sox last night:

IP - 0.2
H - 2
R - 4
ER - 4
BB - 1
K - 0
WP - 1
HBP - 2

Have fun Cleveland!

3. I think LaRussa was the only other person who blew a bigger load in his shorts than I did when this trade was announced. I bet he stayed up all night imagining all of the different lineup combinations he can make with DeRosa. "I could start him at third, then double switch twice, putting him in right and then at second... or I could start him at second flip flop him with Skip in left in the fourth for fun, then flip them back in the eighth... oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... I need a drink."

4. I get to rub having DeRosa in the faces of all the Cubs fans stuck with Milton.

5. Apparently, he slays bitches (and sometimes starstruck dudes).

All I know is that this was a major boost for the Cardinals, and I'm so glad we pulled the trigger on this deal. He's a perfect fit for the club. Now, excuse me, I have to get going to the Cards/Giants game tonight to see the Big Unit face off against Carp. I fully expect to have a DeRosa jersey shirt in my possession when I make my way home tomorrow morning.


  1. cooly you are not allowed to make a Jeremy Brown reference until you finish Moneyball

  2. I've read half of the book so far. I just finished the chapter about Brown getting drafted. Which is obvious, otherwise I wouldn't have been knowledgeable enough to make that reference.

  3. Damn, I wanted to be the first to call you on your blatant Moneyball reference.

    Also, you forgot to mention how how Derosa's wife is.

  4. Chris Cooley Burns a dead cow...too bad it was not this Cooly. That would have been a sweet ploy to gain readers.