Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Kinney - 'Stache Relation (AMI)

I am a contributor to the American Mustache Institute as well as this site, and since the last 'Stache blog was related to the MLB, I figured I would post it here, as well...

You wanna talk the power of the Mustached American lifestyle? Let’s talk Josh Kinney, relief pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Out of nowhere, he was one of the main tools used to create the machine that was the St. Louis Cardinals of 2006, a legit relief pitcher that paved the way for the World Series. However, a tear in his ulnar collateral ligament and an elbow fracture sidelined him for the better part of two years, sending him to the minors for quite a while. When he returned to the majors, he was sporting a beard.

Just by that fact alone, we should know how Kinney did. Poorly.

Now, he’s back, and better than ever, sporting a ‘stache. And people wonder why he’s back…morons. Those who doubt the power of the ‘stache are either uneducated or devil-worshippers. Perhaps both. Regardless, let’s review the facts…
A) Before Kinney came back (oooh…catchy song title, no?), he had a beard.
B) Now he has a moustache, and can throw over 35 mph. faster than before.

You know that scene in Angels In the Outfield when the ball gets hit and the camera rotates to show the ball has been obliterated by the bat? Well, the same thing happens to the balls Kinney throws, but they’re destroyed before they even hit the bat. Even the ground, they say, is afraid of his pitches.

Apparently Kinney took a hint from the recent growth beneath the nose of teammate Rick Ankiel, who now, due to his ‘stache, does not have to worry about being imitated on the pitchers mound. Before, if someone wanted to imitate Ankiel’s presence in any way on the mound, he would be an immediate source of derision, and probably be told to give the outfield a shot. Now, at least if it’s the moustache that’s being imitated, the bearer wears a badge of honor that is the equivalent to nitro for the hand.

You know, in this day and age, when performance-enhancing drugs are paid attention to so damn much, it’s a wonder no one has gotten the hang of the moustache. It enhanced Giambi’s numbers in his comeback from steroids with the Yankees, and Michael Phelps just beat his best time in a race recently. Brad Pitt’s in a Tarantino movie now! You know why? Because he’s wearing a mustache. Even the stupidest idiot should be able to see that if you wear a moustache, you’re a step above the rest.

Expect to see Kinney in the All Star game this year. If he’s not, the balloting is rigged, and we need to see a complete overhaul of the MLB. Selig? Maybe a ‘stache would help?

Carry on.


  1. This article is 100% true. Little did people know, but before his 'stache, Kinney's fastball topped out at fifty.

  2. There was a sweet 'stache at the Midwest League All-Star game last night in Clinton, Iowa. Cheyne Hann was rocking a full 'stache and he plays for the hometown LumberKings making it even more awesome.