Sunday, June 28, 2009

Live Blog: Cubs-ish Edition

Sorry this took so long... once you get to the end, you will figure out why.

12:57 - I found my Dolphins’ Daunte Culpepper jersey buried in my room before the start of the game. Of course, I put it on. By far one of my favorite eBay purchases of all time. It smells OxyClean fresh. Big ups to Billy Mays, a much more moving death than that of MJ. I can’t wait for all the Billy tribute videos that will be popping up on Youtube soon.

Alright, anthem time followed by some pre-game analysis.

Len voice cracks so far – 1

Ryan Freel is batting .130… wow, great pick up. Joey Gathright was a much cooler player. In MVP Baseball ’05, he is always guaranteed 60 steals in a season. Freel, on the other hand, enjoys running into walls.

First pitch… there is a water can on the track behind homeplate. If Rick Ankiel were pitching, the chance of him hitting it is an absolute lock.

1:10 – First mention of Mark DeRosa being traded to the Cardinals. Len could not sound more depressed.

Milton Bradley has gone clean-shaven. Is this some terrible gesture of him turning a new leaf? This can only mean that he’s going to do something bat-shit crazy today.

Bob and Len are talking about the water can now. Someone please move it so that I don’t have to listen to any more of their jokes about tomato plants.

This Avanti’s is delicious. I love the Dirty Dirty.

Zambrano is taking the mound now. I think he is already upset that he doesn’t get to bat today. Plus, over the years, I’ve noticed that batting is the only healthy way for Big Z to get his anger out. That doesn’t get to happen today. I bet that he completely loses his control and chucks the rosin bag at Bradley’s face by the fourth.

Bottom of 1st – The water can has been cleared. Please God, let Bob and Len forget about it now.

1:23 – My first urge to hit the mute button strikes – fucking Bob and Len. However, I resist only because I know that Zach is being tortured with Hawk babbling with long, awkward times of dead space in between.

Viagra commercial count – 1

Freel on first, Danks holding him on. How on earth is Danks’ pickoff move not a balk every time? He literally makes no different motion between his delivery and pickoff. Are balks called anymore? Apparently, the only left-hander who can trigger balk calls is Mark Buerhle.

Danks just threw the pickoff away. Freel takes second. Only fair considering his 20 balks so far.

And now it looks like Danks had no idea that Freel was on second as he takes third. Way to check the runner, Johnny.

Has anyone else seen this Olive Garden commercial for the new crostata dishes involving the mother and son? I couldn't find a video because I think the gods of the internet are preventing horrendous video footage like this from being available. It may be the gayest commercial I have ever seen. Who makes shit like this and thinks it’s good?

Bottom of 2nd – Paul Konerko is so fucking slow. Seriously, has there ever been anyone slower in the history of baseball? Kirk Gibson ran faster with one leg than Konerko does with two. And even Yadier Molina is “quick” enough to make sure there wouldn’t have been a play on that double. Is there any chance that Kenny Williams will just shoot Konerko like a lame horse when he finally retires?

1:43 – More mentioning of DeRosa. Bob and Len then discuss that when players move between a lot of teams over a short amount of time, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the player is a bad clubhouse person (aka Bradley, Carl Everett). Bob makes this argument for Mark DeRosa. I agree. Len makes the argument for Reggie Sanders. I disagree. Also, look out for a future OSU post on Sanders.

There is a guy in a white polo sitting behind the third base dugout with bitch tits. He really needs to not be wearing a white shirt.

Top of 3rd – Fuck, Len cracks another joke about the water can. Bob follows with an equally unfunny one-liner about flowers. This is why Bob and Len should not be given material to work with like the water can because they have no idea how to ever let anything go.

Bottom of 3rd – Zambrano plunks Podsednik, who stares down and trash talks him on his trip to first. How funny would a Big Z/Pods fight be? Also, let us document this moment as the beginning of Zambrano’s meltdown.

Now a homer from Alexi… yes... Big Z is so falling apart. I can’t wait to see what Zach’s post mentions about Hawk’s reaction to this roundtripper. Sox up 2-0.

Len – “Thome might as well stand on first. He took the shortest lead in the history of baseball, just one step.” Since when is Len funny? Bob tries to follow up this joke, fails, and completely taints the hilarity of the original joke. Typical.

Len voice cracks – 2

2:05 - They just showed a cougar holding her kid and waiving at the camera. I now understand Hudson’s attraction to this segment of women.

How did I not notice this before… but both teams are wearing their softball tops. I know that Big Z prefers to pitch in the blue jerseys (the Cubs starting pitcher gets to pick the jerseys each game), but why are the White Sox wearing black again during the day? Is Dusty Baker now their equipment manager?

Viagra commercial count – 2 (the motorcycle one, vroom vroom…)

Top of 4th – I love when WGN does quick spots for programming coming up later in the day. They just advertised for “Outta Sight Retro Night.” I lost $10 to my dog because I bet him that it would be for a Michael Keaton movie.

2:17 – Bob mentions how Derek Lee has an interesting way of holding runners on first. He thinks that it’s different and genius. While Bob’s on this rant, Beckham smokes a single right past Lee. Bob shuts up.

Pierzynski scores on the third straight hit and run of the inning. I think Ozzie decided to try this strategy to counter the Cubs, who have Marmol only throw sliders. Sox up 3-0.

Meltdown continuing… Big Z screams Spanish obscenities at Rothschild… throws wild pickoff to second straight into Beckham’s ass…

Beckham gets picked off at second this time after leaning too far towards third. I theorize he did this on purpose so that he could go back to the dugout and fix his Iceman hairdo.

That Olive Garden commercial really makes me angry. I bet Ed Wade had a hand in making it.

Top of 5th – Alexi Ramirez hits the B button while turning the double play. Bob and Len immediately rag on him about the unnecessary flair. If Theriot does this next inning, Bob and Len will gush about his graceful athletic abilities.

Bottom of 5th – Bitch Tits left his seat. The bros sitting behind him are now hitting on his girlfriend, who seems more interested in the sunbathing possibilities of being at the game. I need more shots of the face of right-handed batters RIGHT NOW!

I flip to the Cardinals game to make sure that Piniero’s ERA is still under 8,000 for the game… only allowed 4 through 5.1, whew. How sad is it that I find those stats relieving?

Shit, Pierzynski’s up… come on… put in Castro. Damn it. I expect those bros will be making out with Bitch Tits’ girl by the time Beckham’s up. Oh no, AJ grounded out. I will never get to see the conclusion of this ongoing situation.

Viagra commercial count – 3 (Is it really necessary to chuck all of your shit out the window to bone for 90 seconds?)

2:39 - Top of 6th – Nice, Bitch Tit’s girlfriend has pulled down the straps of her tank top. Let the games begin.

Len mentions that he hopes the Cubs get on a Rockies-like tear soon as if every team has one during the season. All of these years of announcing for the Cubs have seriously disillusioned him.

2:42 - Bob has gone silent for some reason. Len is talking to himself. I feel like I’m watching Hawk and DJ with Hawk mumbling about nothing to himself. This is really eerie.

2:47 - Whew, Bob is back talking about unselfish at bats. I feel relieved.

2:48 – Bitch Tits is back! With another girl! This is up there with The O.C. in terms of great TV drama.

2:50 – Bitch Tits and his girlfriend have swapped seats with his buddy and his girl (that’s who BT came back with, so drama not as thick) in order to get away from the bros. I see the bros plotting a new strategy. I support their work. One of them clearly just checked out BT’s girlfriend’s chest.

2:53 – All three of the bros are on their phones. Probably calling in back up since Bitch Tits looks like he’s tough to bring down. Now, BT’s girlfriend and his buddy’s girl are touching each other to compare tank top tan lines! I don’t care about this game at all anymore.

God, that Olive Garden commercial again. I want to stick one of those asiago cheese crostatas in my eye.

Bottom of 6th – When was the last time Milton Bradley threw a ball with the intention of catching a runner? That wasn’t even close. Another thought… how much of an enigma is Bradley? Do you think he acts like a dumbass just to entertain all the blogging idiots like us out there?

The return of Rick Ankiel! Zambrano chucks it straight into the backstop! Great pitchout! Sox up 4-0.

Bob blames Soto for this happening because he was obviously the most aware and greatest fielding catcher in the history of baseball.

Oh shit… Big Z beaned Wise… here we go… meltdown. All of the Sox are coming out of the dugout. To this, Bob says, “Sit down” like a grumpy 85-year-old veteran.

David Patton is warming up; Lou has conceded this game.

Bob Brenly is super pissed off now. He just used his grumpy 85-year-old voice in harshly criticizing Theroit’s actions in fielding stolen base attempt throws from Soto. My dad joins me in commenting on Bob’s idiocy.

That blooped pop fly to left is the last straw for Bob. I hear him loading his revolver while he whines a little more.

Now Theriot drops a pop fly on the infield fly. Bob has a bitter, angry, and over-animated rant about the batter being out on the infield fly rule. I think the gun is next to his head now… Sox up 5-0.

3:14 – I just found a Choose Your Own Adventure book on my coffee table titled Prisoner of the Ant People. Let’s see how long I can survive…

3:16 – Wait… Bud Light fan cam… I can always count on the Cubs’ cameramen to be creepy. Shit, that was disappointing. Back to the book…

3:21 – I defeated the Ant Leader by breaking his purple mind beam he had on me and then spraying him with “sonic pest-eliminator.” That was the most successful thing I’ve done all month. This also marks the first time I haven’t died in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Understandably, no one is around to pat me on the back.

3:23 – Top of 7th – John Cusack, Len wished you a happy birthday. I bet that made your day!

This game is taking so long, I forgot how much I hate watching AL games.

3:29 – With runners on first and second, Bob tries to jinx Gordan Beckham by saying, “21st career game for Beckham, and he is yet to ground into a double play.” He flies out to left, not quite as satisfying as I hoped.

What is gayer about that son in the Olive Garden commercial, his hair, his wardrobe, or his voice? This is my mind’s great debate right now.

5:06 - I awake to Farrah Fawcett and Charlie’s Angels as a part of that “Outta Sight Retro Night.” I fell asleep before the 8th started. I think my body went into shut down mode to save me from the musings of Len and Bob.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think I've ever failed at a choose your adventure book. (I typically cheat)