Sunday, June 28, 2009

Live Blog: Sox Edition

Today, Cooly and I will be giving you live blogs of the Cubs-Sox game. I'll divulge the intricacies of everything that is Hawk Harrelson, while Cooly will being analyzing the small amounts of wit, and large amounts of music talk, that Bob and Len spew out.

Low lights from the Comcast Chicago Pregame Show: There was a running scroll on the bottom of the ticker. Instead of putting interesting baseball facts or scores, Comcast decided to put in fan texts. These texts included a fan saying "Scott 'Joe DiMaggio' Podsednik" or "Lets Go Sox!!!!!!!! Cubs Suck!!!!!!!!!!!" or "I think the Sox are going to win today". Really, the useful information the fans were texting in was a little overwhelming.

There was a piece done on Hawk. In this piece, The reporter baited me by saying that Hawk was thinking about retiring soon. Then, Hawk said, "No I think I'm going to die in the booth. I want to go out like this, 'Pauly at the plate. A long drive. He looks up. You can put it on the board... dead Hawk.'" At least we know he plans on dying sometime soon, during the extent of Konerko's contract.

And away we go...

12:55 I've decided that while I watch the game I will be reading several Simmons columns. I'm sure I will discuss some of this, rather than listen to Hawk complain about calls for 3 hours.

12:56 Frank Thomas and Doug Glanville were just interviewed, and surprisingly they picked the Sox, and Cubs respectively. That was shocking and informative.

12:57 The interviewer throws it back to Todd Hollandsworth who was having microphone problems and was sounding like he replaced with a high strung robot that enjoyed yelling. Think Stephen A. Smith with a robot voice.

1:01 Hawk started talking. I immediately became saddened.

1:04 Stone gives a breakdown of the Interleague Win Loss, and its surprisingly extremely even. Then he shows the White Sox lineup, and I'm highly inimpressed. And this is their everyday lineup. Not a good thing.

1:07 Please don't throw a first pitch fastball. Please.

1:08 First pitch. Soriano didn't smash the first pitch, but he did get a nice hit to left center, in which Podsednik made a horrible attempt to catch the ball. If the times between me and Cooly are off, its because Cooly has the wrong time, not me.

1:17 Danks gets out of a big jam, 2 on nobody out. The horrible feeling I had about this game has subsided into a slight discomfort.

1:19 The White Sox lineup currently has 2 players batting below .200. That is not a good thing. Also, Stone makes this little quip which gets a giggle out of me, "Zambrano looking to get his 3rd loss"

1:21 Podsednik strikes out looking on a fastball right over the middle. Stone says, "I guess he was just looking for a ball."

1:22 Ah yes, Picks to Click. Beats anything the Cubs announcers are doing at 1:22.

1:23 Hawks first complaint about a call. I will no longer be counting these because there are no enough number in the world.

1:27 Word that doesn't feel right to text using T9: succeeded. Way too much hitting of the 3.

1:33 Hawk announces: as a rule, if we play quick ballgames then we will win. I missed where this was written. I wonder if other teams know about this rule.

1:34 Long fly ball in foul territory that Alexei drops. Hawk decides to blame Alexei, but fails to realize that ball was in the air forever and Scott Podsednik was no where to be found. Pods, fast, but can't play the outfield. Shortly after Danks throws the ball away on a pick off attempt, then Freel steals third. No White Sox pitcher gives a shit about holding runners on or getting the ball home quickly. Because of this the Cubs will steal 6 bases today. Current count: 2 SB's.

1:37 I'm pretty sure the Sox have 17 errors in this series. Middle of the 2nd, 0-0.

1:40 I'm reading an article about US Soccer from 2002 by Simmons and still laughing. I love Simmons.

1:41 Alfonso Soriano misplays a ball. Alfonso Soriano misplays a ball. Surprisingly, I have had way too many arguments with people that think he is a good outfielder. He is consistently negative in his Total Zone Runs Average.

1:42 They broadcast team just brought up the fact Derosa was traded to the Cards. This would have caused Cooly to jizz in his pants had he been watching Comcast.

1:48 Absolutely hilarious anti-drug commercial by Matt Thorton. He said, "If someone is trying to get you to do drugs, they aren't your friend...Period" Only imagine him completely reading off a cue card, and sounding like the kid in 5th grade who reads at a 3rd grade level, only the teacher always picks him to read. On another note, this person is also selected by other students to read if there are 20 minutes before recess/gym and a long paragraph coming up. Because kids are mean, and I love it.

1:51 Microphone problems. Robot voice is back. Its still better than listening to Hawk complain about calls.

1:56 Zambrano hits Pods square in the thigh with a ball. It seemed quite intentional. Lets see if Danks can retaliate.

1:58 Interesting note: Apparently the first baseman must remain in fair territory at all times. This is news to me, and I played first for 4 years in high school. Thank you Stone for making me smarter.

1:59 Zambrano hangs a slider to Alexei, which he proceeds to piss on, and knock it halfway up the stands in left center. Many fist pounds were given to my imaginary friends. Sox 2-Cubs 0.

2:03 Apparently, Zambano and Don Cooper got into a war of words. Stone settled this argument by saying: "Well, Don Cooper has one thing Zambrano doesn't... a ring" BAM!!!!! Meanwhile, Soriano almost misses an easy fly ball, because he has no idea how to play the outfield.

2:05 End of the third. Score: 2-0. Amount of ridiculously creepy shots of hot girls in the crowd that Cooly has seen: most likely 20. Amount of hot girls I have seen: 0. I am envious of the Cubs telecast for a few reasons, that is one of them.

2:10 Halfway through the game and the announcers have been pretty mundane. Talking almost solely about the game, and providing some pretty good insight. It seems like Stoney and Hawk are angry at each other. I wonder if Stone boned Hawk's daughter. Or Hawk found out how much Stone hates him.

2:13 Every time there is a broken White Sox bat Hawk says, "That's another $95 bill." Like Major League Baseball, or the Chicago White Sox are hurting that bad that they can't spend $95 to replace a few bats. It's like it hurts him to the core that bats cost $95. He often says things like, "Bats used to cost $40 in my day." Got to love old people.

2:24 3-0 End of the 4th. Dewayne Wise executed a great hit and run to score AJ. On the plus side, I devoured a cup of Dannon Blackberry Yogurt. It was delicious. I'm not a big fan of Yogurt with fruit and seeds in it, and Dannon did it right, and kept that shit out. On the bad side Gordon "Bacon" Beckham got picked off second like a Ri-Tard.

2:29 Completely bizarre double play in which Alexei does a full spin inside, then throws the ball. I can not stand Alexei at short. He is an alright second baseman, and a bad short stop. His range is limited (-5 at 2B!! according to PECOTA, -21.5 Rtot according to baseball reference). We need to move either Bacon there or Nix. Not to mention he has 84 throwing errors these past two weeks.

2:37 Konerko strikes out looking with 2 men in scoring position and 1 out. Is there any other #4 hitter in the league that does that routinely? I am maddened by the lack of production the 3 and 4 hitters on the Sox get with RISP. If they can't hit a home run, they might as well not swing. Konerko realized this, and just let the ball go right over the middle of the plate.

2:49 I knew Milton couldn't have a serious game in the spot light. I gave a light hearted giggle when he began walking to first long after the strike call was made. Then proceeded to give the umpire a look as if the ump called Milton a piece of shit.

2:53 Commenter Bob informed me via AIM that he had to wear a 2x cup in high school which caused the other boys to poke fun at him. My highlight of the game so far.

3:01 Zambrano tries to pitch out to thwart the suicide squeeze, only to miss by 6 feet. Allowing Getz to easily score. Zambrano then decides to throw at Wise. This is clearly intentional. He hit him square, and meant to. Then proceeds to scream, "What are you going to do?" at Dewayne. If there is one player on the Sox that I wouldn't fuck with, its Wise. He definitely has a glock in his locker.

3:04 Wise steals second and is thrown out by 4 steps, but the ump decides to call him safe because Zambrano is a douche bag. I can not wait for the Sox to drill Soriano. Nothing would make me happier. I hope we send in Poreda to do it too. Then we can have a 98 mph fastball in the middle of that hopping assholes back. Cubs, remember the last time you had an outfielder who hopped at non ideal times. That was one Slammin' Sammy Sosa. Remember when you fucks defended Sosa when he cheated by corking his bat. I fucking hate Cubs fans.

3:08 I calm down a little after being irate about ignorant Cubs fans.

3:09 Soriano misplays a ball. Soriano misplays a ball. (Have I said that before) Seriously, he wasn't even close to this shallow fly ball. He broke back 3 steps before coming in. And I will still have to argue that he is a horrible outfielder. I hate people.

3:10 Theriot misses a fly ball. The Cubs fucking suck.

3:12 Hawk decides to complain about the call being ruled an infield fly. If this were a close game he would bring this up for the next 3 innings. Sox 5-Cubs 0.

3:17 Danks weakly hits Freel, which allows Freel to make a pussy wiping his arm off motion. To show how much of a hard ass the 5'4" 150 lb struggling, backup middle infielder is.

3:23 I'm so glad they didn't show Take Me Out to the Ballgame. That is the one thing I absolutely hate about Sox games. They still play that shitty song during the stretch. We should just pretend that song doesn't exist, like I pretend that other song the Cubs play when they win doesn't exist. The one which repeats 3 words 74 times, and my ears begin to bleed.

3:38 Game got boring. I stopped paying attention. Though, on my twitter, Simmons has 46 consecutive posts without anyone else posting in between them. Bottom of the 8th 5-0.

3:42 Cubs RBI leader has 39 RBI's. That is not good.

3:44 More fighting in the Cubs dugout. Stone is leaving us sitting on the edge of our seats. All he said was, "I guess it was just people with too much time on their hands." Does this refer to Milton Bradley, because he will be sitting from now on due to lack of skill? Does it refer to White Sox fans who drunkenly charge the field? The world may never know.

3:46 The Google Toolbar is creepy. It knows what I'm going to type. It also makes searching for great clips and stories easy. Game wise, Dye just hit a home run, and the Sox announcers bring up the kind of botched infield fly call.

3:52 Top of the 9th. Sox looking to close out this game.

3:59 And that's a White Sox wiiiinnnnnneeeerrrrr. (I do like Hawk some times)

Well, it was fun. Actually it wasn't. I don't know if I'm doing this again. Last time I let Cooly talk me into a post idea. I refuse to spell check any of this post, so fucking deal with it.



  2. I don't know what that is.

  3. Yeah, terrible comment posting.

    Hilarious post, Zach. Glad to see you enjoyed the torture of live blogging as much as I did. Although, I would do it again. Let's start right now half way into the Mets/Yankees game.

  4. im a little dissapointed that you didnt know about having to stay in fair territory. The umpire can actually call a balk if they throw over and he starts in foul territory like that. I found out when i got called for it once freshman year... i felt real dumb

  5. I was thinking about the Matt commercial from the start, the only thing I paid attention to were his shifting eyes and slow mumbled tone. He had to have been whacked out on DTP at the time of shooting.