Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tigers v. Cubs, an already depressing series gone worse

I hate Detroit. Everything about it, especially their sports.

I have nightmares about the Red Wings because their stockpiling of ex-Soviets reminds me of Nuclear Holocaust.

Michigan Wolverines fans are amongst the worst in college football, although excellent at pretending it's 1997 and Michigan is still a respectable football program, similar to how Detroit still thinks they're respectable at making cars.

Pistons fans think they're the shit because the Pistons locked down the Eastern Conference for the worst four years in the Conference's history by regularly defeating a two-player Nets team, a Jurassic-era Pacers team, and a bunch of other teams with losing records that got into the playoffs. They also somehow won the 2004 Finals, although I attribute that to Phil being distracted by the supreme hatred Kobe and Shaq shared for each other, and Gary Payton and Karl Malone too worried about how much their union pension would be at the end of the season.

I'm already wasting time and space writing about the Lions.

That's why watching the recent Interleague battle between the Detroit Tigers and Chicago Cubs has been so infuriating. The comparison between the two cities and their fanbases aren't even close. We have Wrigley Field, they have some stadium that should be subsidized by the federal government soon. We have Lake Michigan to lounge at in the summertime, they have...I dunno, Windsor or somewhere shitty. Our nationwide political newsmaker is Barack Obama, they have Kwame Kilpatrick.

However, this post is more an expression of my depression over how much the Cubs have fallen this year, not as much hating on a division leading Detroit team. Soriano and Soto are hitting .227 and .228 on the season, respectively. Milton Bradley is delivering on the $26 million contract the Cubs gave him to be a middle-of-the-order hitter with a whopping 5 HRs, 16 RBI season through late June. Rich Harden and Carlos Marmol suddenly forgot how to hit their spots. The Cubs signed Kevin Gregg to become some sort of Bizarro-world closer who gift-wraps hanging off-speed pitches in clutch situations like they're Christmas presents.

And the worst part of all, is that there's nothing the Cubs can do about it: they fired Gerald Perry (hitting coach) some time ago, with just about zero effect since except on D.Lee. Lou can't string together a win streak unless it's against a bottom-feeder Indians team (with Kerry Wood throwing the games late). Payroll is too high and ownership too...well, nonexistent to trade for a difference maker. The only hope is that the Cubs are waiting for Aramis to deliver them in the second half of the season. The NL Central race this year is a joke anyway, as long as the mustached Cardinals pitcher aforementioned on YSSW continues to give up four hits, two earned in .2 IP, so it's plausible the Cubs will make a comeback and finally show up in the playoffs. But seeing as they give up 5+ runs everytime they play a team like the Detroit Tigers, it seems unlikely.


  1. I can only hope that the "Murdered Strippers" tag becomes our most popular one.

  2. Dave, you should seriously consider never hanging out with Cooly at the world's greatest bar, the Side Street Saloon. The anti-Detriotite sentiments might get Cooly balckballed there.

    Also, wouldn't Rod Blago vs. Kwame Kirkpatrick be a better comparison?

  3. Freedom of speech will protect Dave and I. He's a journalist, so that's like his Bible.

    Although, I think they will greatly enjoy the Michigan comments since they are all State fans.

  4. Blagojevich would be a FAIRER comparison, for sure. But just as I'm way too biased to cast Detroit in any sort of positive light, I'm also way too biased to show Chicago's worst.

  5. Who wants to go to the opening of Public Enemies next week?

  6. Cooly, most may be State fans, but Chris is a UM fan and he rules the roost. He and I have an understanding regarding my OSU fandom.

  7. Well, lucky for Chris that he isn't from Houston.