Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Welcome to the 2009 MLB NBA Draft


Here at Start
Wedman, we like to experiment a little. I thought of this idea for a post while driving out to the suburbs in fantastic Chicago traffic last night in my air condition-less 1988 Chevy Cavalier in sweltering 100+ temps with the heat index. That heat was the only substance I needed, baby. (And the few RedBulls I drank to wake myself up this morning)

So stick with me here for a little bit... the concept of this article is what NBA prospect would the same city MLB equivalent of an NBA team take tomorrow night. That makes no sense, I know. But I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it. I think you will get the gist of the article after the first few picks, hopefully. The point of this exercise is that I just really love the NBA Draft a lot and need some way to incorporate it here. So let's roll...

1. Los Angeles Clippers = Los Angeles Angels - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
I know that the Angels are infinitely more successful than the Clippers have been or ever will be; however, they are definitely not theLakers since that distinction belongs to the Dodgers. At this spot, the Angels need a power bat with Guerrero fading worse than Kid 'n Play and the lack of any real home run threat at the corner infield spots. Although I hate Blake Griffin almost as much as Minute Maid Park, I think he would be able to provide that power the Angels are seeking.

2. Memphis Grizzlies = Memphis Redbirds = AAA affiliate of the Cardinals - Ricky Rubio, España
Obviously, if you are minor league team, you want a prospect. Ricky Rubio is young and needs grooming, send him to the fucking minors. I see him being a slap-hitting, defensive-minded shortstop with good social skills (Latin lover!)... aka everything the Cardinals are lacking right now.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder = Seattle Mariners - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn
I still refuse to accept that the Sonics no longer exist, the way Shawn Kemp refuses to accept all of his children. David Aardsma is the M's current closer. Get a real stopper, get the Towering Tanzanian.

4. Sacramento Kings = San Francisco Giants - James Harden, Arizona State
The Kings are a gay team. They wear purple. They should be playing in San Fran. James Harden looks chubby. Pablo Sandoval is chubby. Harden + Sandoval = BFFs.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - Tyler Hansbrough, UNC
White people!

6. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - BJ Mullens, Ohio State
White people again!

7. Golden State Warriors = Oakland Athletics - Stephen Curry, Davidson
Who put up better numbers than Curry last year? Billy Beane LOVES numbers.

8. New York Knicks = New York Yankees - Darren Collison, UCLA
The Yankees have to take a senior since they refuse to develop prospects. Although, they may want to move up and trade for Hansbrough because ESPN surely doesn't want to travel to all the way to Minnesota, unless Favre is involved, to cover Psycho T. Plus, Dick Vitale might die in that chilly Minnesota cold... actually... let the Twins take Hansbrough.

9. Toronto Raptors = Toronto Blue Jays - Ty Lawson, UNC
Lawson was the most injured player on the board. The Jays do love their injuries.

10. Milwaukee Bucks = Milwaukee Brewers - Johnny Flynn, Syracuse
How scrappy could Flynn be at 2B? The Brewers fans rejoice since the time of waiting for Weekes to develop is finally fucking over.

11. New Jersey Nets = New York Mets - Brandon Jennings, David Stern School of Hard Knocks
Is Jennings a warm body? Yes! Well, then the Mets could use him.

12. Charlotte Bobcats = Durham Bulls - Chase Budinger, Arizona
Budinger would have deservedly been the butt of all the jokes in Bull Durham.

13. Indiana Pacers = Indianapolis Indians = AAA affiliate of the Pirates - Jamar Smith, Illinois
The Pirates love throwing away high draft picks. Jamar loves throwing away opportunity. Good fit.

14. Phoenix Suns = Arizona Diamondbacks - Sam Young, Pitt
I had no idea who to pick here, so I randomly closed my eyes and pointed at someone still on the board. I think that Josh Byrnes did the same thing with a list of numbers when deciding what to pay Eric Byrnes.

15. Detroit Pistons = Detroit Tigers - Jordan Hill, Arizona
Motown Records tells the Tigers to take Hill thinking that he is Jordan Hill.

16. Chicago Bulls = Chicago White Sox - Tyreke Evans, Memphis
Tyreke Evans... hood-tastic? Check. ... frustrating to cheer for? Check. ... speedy? Check. Kenny Williams gives his seal of approval.

17. Philadelphia 76ers = Philadelphia Philles - Gerald Henderson, Duke
The Phillies are desperate for starting picthing with Myers being himself and Moyer finally starting to age. Greg Paulus told me that Henderson was a good pitcher to his catcher back in the day. I trust him, the dude knows his pitchers.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - Nick Calathes, Florida
Oh shit, Budinger is gone... well... oh, there's another... White people!!!

19. Atlanta Hawks = Atlanta Braves - Earl Clark, Louisville
They wanted Chris Webber because they needed someone who walks more than Jeff Francouer. Plus, C-Web reminds them of their glory days in the mid-90's. Then, the Braves woke up and realized they simply needed new talented and took the best on the board.

20. Utah Jazz = ... umm... shit.
Loss of pick due to obscure location.

21. New Orleans Hornets = Houston Astros - DeJaun Blair, Pitt
Pissed that the gayest players are off the board (Henderson and BJ Mullens), they settle for Blair to re-form the Killer B's. My head explodes with anger.

22. Dallas Mavericks = Texas Rangers - DeMar DeRozan, USC
The Rangers love shady players (A-Rod, Juan Gonzalez, Pudge, Canseco and his solid coconut). DeRozan went to USC - shady!

23. Sacramento Kings = San Francisco Giants - Eric Maynor, VCU
He was decently accurate at throwing a ball in a hoop. The Giants see this and hope that he is more accurate than Jonathan Sanchez at throwing a baseball in a mitt.

24. Portland Trailblazers = Also the Seattle Mariners - Terrence Williams, Louisville
Okay, so I feel bad for Seattle. They have been through so much. They lost the Sonics. They lost Griffey*. They lost Cobain. I will let them have two franchises in this draft and their hometown hero! Who says we can't be nice here at YSSW?
*Only to regain a shittier version of him again.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder = Seattle Mariners - Austin Daye, Gonzaga
Yay! Another local-ish product! Let's keep pretending we aren't depressed from the rain and shit! Yay!

26. Chicago Bulls = Chicago Cubs, this time - Jeff Pendergraph, Arizona State
Wow, he's an economics major? Shit, all we wanted was someone who knows how to count to three. Fuck, give him $30M too!

27. Memphis Grizzlies = Memphis Redbirds = AAA affiliate of the Cardinals - Urule Igbavboa, Valparaiso
I call up Mozeliak to make this happen. It is done. I'm first in line to get a double zero jersey.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - James Johnson, Wake Forest
Fuck, I'm tired of drafting. James Johnson... hmm... sounds white. Oh shit.

29. Los Angeles Lakers = Los Angeles Dodgers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA
The Dodgers have missed having someone with a fucked up first name ever since they cut Delwyn Young.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers = Cleveland Indians - Toney Douglas, Florida State
He went to FSU, so he must be okay with racism.

God, I can't wait for the draft.

4 comments:

  1. Great post. Highlights include Utah's pick and James Johnson (who is also heavily looked at by the Bulls).

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  2. How long did it take you to find the ñ short key? Like 16 minutes?

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  3. Come on, man... mother fuckin' copy and paste. It's that easy.

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  4. Pacers and Jazz picks were incredible. Keep up the good work

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