Friday, July 24, 2009

ESPN, Please Stay Away From Albert

Towards the beginning of the season, this commercial began running across every ESPN outlet possible:

When I first saw the commercial, I actually enjoyed it. Of course, it is always fun to see one of your favorite players get some national coverage when you are a fan of a team not located in New York, Boston, Chicago, or Los Angeles.

I regret enjoying the commercial initially because I clearly did not critically think through the situation with my middle-aged-corporate-self-advertising-white-guy-mind (the one that runs ESPN).

I forgot that everyone on the ESPN staff would think they were best friends with Albert after this spot, which is basically what happened. Everyone on the networks calls him "The Machine" now. What the fuck? No one ever called him that before that commercial. I had never even heard that nickname anywhere within the St. Louis fanbase until ESPN slapped it on him. Everyone just called him Albert. He was and is too fucking good for a nickname.

Now, I feel like ESPN is stalking Pujols the way they creeped Barry Bonds during this home run race. Every bottom line for a Cardinals game includes Pujols stats. During the All Star break, they re-ran every Pujols homer from the first half. Now every baseball writer for the Orwellian sports media machine (eat your heart out, Bill Plaschke) can't stop salivating about how he is a lock to win the Triple Crown. Of course, these are the same writers who just let the Holliday trade slip past them for the most part because they were fixated on Halladay. Whoops.

So please ESPN, if you could, please stop covering Albert, you wankers.


  1. Wait, does this mean Pedro Gomez can come back?

  2. No, he has to follow Strasburg to Japan.