Thursday, July 30, 2009


Fuck Halladay, Holliday, Lee and Sherrill.

The biggest trade deadline acquisition of 2009 was the Cubs long-awaited acquisition of lefty reliever John Grabow from the Pirates.

You may be asking yourself, "Dave, your sense of baseball, nay, reality is skewed from months living with your crazy Moms and never leaving the house; getting John Grabow is a totally irrelevant move."

Maybe you're right. Yes, he's only got 47 innings of work. Yes, he's a Pittsburgh Pirate and only had trade value because he prefers throwing with his left hand for a big-time seller. Yes, his 1.5 WHIP is short of eyebrow-raising and he averages less than 1.5 Ks per walk.

But step off, haters! Before you judge a pitcher by his quantitative merits, let's look at some qualitative aspects of the soon to be legend that is John Grabow.

First, Grabow is fucking American. I'm tired of baseball teams importing foreign players that use up our tax dollars without speaking my damn language just because they may have more "upside," or "skill" than a good ol' boy from the American Heartland, Arcadia, Calif., home of Santa Anita racetrack and....shit, 45% Asian population.

Moving on, like President Obama, Grabow is a guy you can have a beer with. Just check this picture of him bro'ing out at the local watering hole:

Show me a guy who isn't afraid to wear a pink shirt and pose like a total dipshit at a bar, and I'll show you the next Chicago sports legend.

Finally, there's Grabow's name itself. I could be totally wrong and practicing reckless journalistic practices about this, but I'm assuming Grabow is pronounced "gruh-bow" (bow pronounced as in the "the Shaolin soldier was ordered to bow in reverence upon the Shogun's entrance.")

What an awesome name. So awesome, that I propose a new entry into the American lexicon: "gra-BOW!" Used as an exclamation for when something awesome happens or to cruelly jest with someone. Synonyms: "booyah," "byaaah."

Like Gretchen Wieners attempted to make "fetch" happen, I challenge all of you to make "gra-BOW!" happen. Here are some hints on how to slip the term into regular conversation:

1.) HIRING MANAGER: "We're really impressed with your body of work, Dave, and we're prepared to offer you the job."
DAVE: "Thank you, I'm really looking forward to working with you in this esteemed workplace."
HIRING MANAGER: "Syke! We filled this position months ago! Gra-BOW!"

2.) GIRL: "I'm getting close."
BOY: "Me too....ohh....gra-BOW!"

3.) YOUR BEST FRIEND: "I just found out I have a terrible, incurable, sexually transmitted disease."
YOU: "Gra-BOW!"

I think this tribute to a great American relief pitcher could really catch on if used appropriately. I'm e-mailing Len & Bob this post now, they'd have nothing better to talk about when your team is visiting the Marlins.

P.S. I have no idea whether Grabow is the dude wearing the pink shirt or not. These two Pittsburgh Pirates' perfect symmetry of skin complexion, hair style, and pose leaves me to guess. Another score for reckless journalism.


  1. Adrian Beltre also lives in Arcadia.

  2. So is Genie the feral child. Apparently Arcadia is a hotbed of weird ass shit.

  3. I plan to incorporate gra-BOW during movies at the theater. Specifically when I see "The Proposal."

  4. Some of my sports colleagues tell me that it's pronounced "gray-bow" (bow pronounced like in "bow-tie"). So the exact opposite pronunciation of my new slang. Oh well.