Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hall of Rickey


I feel as if it is my duty toward the human race to report on the beauty that will surely be the Rickey Henderson Hall of Fame Induction Speech.

I will start by describing what Rickey is wearing. Imagine looking as fresh as possible. The best you have ever looked. Chicks everywhere want to bang you, that's how good you look. Strippers are asking you for your number. Rickey would put you to shame right now. His overall amount of fresh is clearly off the charts. He is wearing an all white suit. Which you jabronies would make look ice-cream-man-ish, but Rickey looks like he just got out of an all night cocaine fest, sponsored by Darryl Strawberry. White Coat. White Vest. White Tie. Gold Shirt. Unfortunately, lacking sunglasses. Suit jacket is enormous, and has a zipper.

Currently, they are introducing a ton of old Hall of Famers. Rickey is thinking, "These guys all suck. Rickey is better than everyone." But seriously, how annoyed is he that other people besides Rickey are getting applauded.

Yes, Rickey's speech is about to start.

2 things first: 1) Why is the Chairman of the Hall of Fame a female, that by my accounts has never played in the MLB. Shouldn't the head of the Hall of Fame be, like, a Hall of Famer?

2) I heard someone on the radio say that Rickey Henderson passes the "eye test" in reference to his use of steroids. How is that possible? He was absolutely massive. He played until a late age. He was the most conceited player in history, meaning he wanted to be the best. O, and he played with Canseco. He was most likely on steroids. It does not mean I do not like him, but people need to take their head out of the sand, and see baseball for what it is.

Let the Joy begin.

Bud is rambling drunkenly, and just unsuccessfully attempted to push his hair into a comb over. While Bud was listing the teams Rickey played for, Rickey made and orgasmic face. Now Rickey is mumbling to himself. Most likely saying, "Rickey's the best! Rickey's the best!"

Rickey is talking as slow as possible. Which means this speech will last 100 minutes. I'm so happy.

The way Rickey is pronouncing every word is absolutely fantastic. Imagine the most hood person you know (Dave) talking as slow as possible, enunciating everything, and pronouncing every single word incorrectly.

"I guess Mom do's knows best"- Rickey
"Sturrrry" What Rickey meant to say, story
"I called him, Dennis-The-Eck" Rickey starts laughing uncontrollably.
"Luke Gehrig"
"Babe Rufff" Rickey emphasizes the ffffff
"To all the fans... Thank you... Thank you... ..... .... Thank you. For all yer support, of all these years"
"My favorite hero is Muhammad Ali. He hads a famous quote 'I am the greatest' and that is what I want to be. And now that I'm in the Hall of Fame that is what I'll be"

Now Rickey just said that after his first game of high school baseball he had 30 hits and 33 steals. The stories he is telling are no where near entertaining, or funny. Yet everyone is cracking up. He also has 0 public speaking skills. I was hoping he would be more dynamic up there, but his terrified look is better than what I expected.

Rickey's speech coach, "Here is what you need to do Rickey, say 3 words, pause, say 3 words, pause, and keep repeating this. Disregard all periods or commas. Generally disregard anywhere there should be a pause. Just remember pause after every 3 words."

For some reason the picture on Rickey's plaque is of him with a mustache, and long flowing hair. Seriously, he has hair in his eyes, and stringy long hair to his shoulders. I know Rickey rocked a sweet hairdo, but I don't know where they got this picture from. Did the artist know Rickey was black?

Rickey's speech comes to a close with yet another poorly worded sentence.

Some things to take out of Rickey's speech: Rickey is not a good public speaker. Rickey pauses after ever three words. Rickey failed to pronounce any words correctly. Seriously not one word correctly.

Best thing about the induction ceremony: Old man gets up and plays "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on his harmonica. Asks the crowd to sing. No one sings along.

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