Sunday, July 12, 2009

Major League Baseball is a member of Hitler's National Socialist Party.

If you think there is an organization not named Disney that is a better suited candidate for the title of "Nazi Organization of the Year" than the MLB, you are a liar and a whore for Selig, and should be put down before you cause more harm to your community than a landfill. Your venom is more lethal than a La Russa supporter's. I really pretty much think that, if you truly believe the MLB is an honorable group of men and women, I should tell you about this country to the south that is involved in a massive drug war that you really should consider moving to.

That being said, I love the sport of baseball, but I digress - this isn't a knock on the players or even the managers. It's a knock on the higher-ups.

Hell, you can't even get live streams of games on local channels via the Internet. THAT'S a joke. You can listen live online in every other sport, including cricket, probably curling, and more than likely gentle cow-herding, assuming you can understand what they say. I hate the MLB for this. You know that warning about being unable to record without the expressed written consent of so-and-so-blah-blah-blah? I think MLB officials are the ones who you catch staring at your through the window at night, waiting to see if you break the laws of their beloved sport. They're Nazis.

The other day, as a member of the American Mustache Institute, I was putting up baseball cards of players with 'staches around town in downtown St. Louis. I knew this wouldn't last long. As far as posting signs on city property, St. Louis is about as Nazi as they come. Being a major city, you'd figure there'd be messages about missing pets or people or shows or whatever. Nope. The paranoia the city has about looking clean and nice has gotten to the point where not a single sign is allowed. It's so bare saying antiseptic would make it sound dirty, which is ironic because while they give a crap about what's on the city's light poles, they don't give two shits about having dilapidated buildings standing around towns like memoirs of nuclear war. This city pisses me off.

On a side note, there has never been a city on earth where so many attractive women are with unattractive men. Must be something in the water. I laugh everyday. Maybe the women here all just realize that one day they'll be fat and annoying as well. Props to them if that's the case, but I've kind of gotten off track.

Anyway, I was putting up baseball cards around town when a fake cop (rent-a-cop security guard) on a golf cart stopped me, about five minutes into my venture. He started talking to me in that condescending power-trip voice, refused to give me the cards back that he had taken down (he had about 25% of the cards I had put up in his hands), and told me he was taking the cards to MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL (apparently, the well-educated man was under the impression that Busch is the MLB's headquarters). Most people would just laugh this off. I was actually kind of nervous, because the MLB WOULD prosecute a dude who's setting up baseball cards just trying to give away two All-Star Game tickets. The MLB WOULD find a way to sue me - though I have no idea what their angle would be - because that's what they do in Major League Baseball: sue everyone and everything they can. Make sure everyone watches and listens to what THEY want.

Heil mein Selig!

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