Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Washington Is The Best: Don't Argue

Some idiot from a weak paper in Washington has a lame attempt at acquiring readers. He decides it is in his best interest to call out Chicago fans, for basically the shittiest reason possible. And, his name is Dick Heller, which is fairly funny in its own way. Lets get this started.

In Chicago, the dumb keep getting dumber

I told you this was going to be fun.

The competition for Dumb Sports Fan of the Year has been won, if that's the word, by the bozo in a White Sox cap who nearly cost Mark Buehrle his perfect game Thursday on the South Side of Chicago.

I have been to US Cellular field many times. I have seen a countless number of games on television. I have never seen a fan rob a home run. I have seen it happen in New York. In fact I'm pretty sure it would be impossible in The Cell, as there is a rail in front and a considerable amount of space. Having never been to The Cell, this jamoke is going off this photographic evidence.

Imagine this scenario - except you don't have to because TV replays and still photos captured the ignominious moment perfectly (pun intended).

Ok, I am imagining. I've closed my eyes, and am now picturing a beach and sunset. Please, enlighten me with your words, good sir.

The pitcher for your team has retired 24 straight batters, leaving him just three away from so-called baseball immortality

"So called baseball immortality"? Uh, I have no witty comment. That line was stupid though.

Gabe Kapler leads off the ninth inning for the Rays and blasts a pitch toward the center-field seats. Defensive replacement DeWayne Wise races back and leaps in a desperate bid to save the day.

Thank you for that dull illumination of the games events. Seriously, has there ever been a weaker illustration of such a beautiful event?

So what does our guy do? He reaches over the railing and comes with a foot or so of making the catch, thereby nearly turning Kapler's swat into a home run.

I like to see that Dick has taken ownership of this awful hooligan. Also, coming within a foot or so of the baseball is really not that close. If the ball was a foot higher, DeWayne has no chance to catch that ball. If the ball has the trajectory it had, it would have taken a freak with excessively long arms to catch it. Its insane, kind of like the architects of the ball park foresaw this could possibly happen.


Jay Mariotti thinks that this guy is better than bloggers? Simply because he went to some fancy school?

Literally, not a Wise move.

Poor use of literally, and a witty pun. This is too much to handle.

Fortunately, Dopey misses by about a foot as Wise grabs the ball first, juggles it, snatches it again with his bare hand and holds it aloft as he hits the ground. On the mound, Buehrle sighs in relief and possibly makes a mental note to buy Wise the biggest steak dinner possible.

Don't you mean, "our Dopey." Also, if they showed a picture from a different angle, the result would probably be more than a foot. And, I am going on the record as a defender of fans trying to catch baseballs. If there is an absolute rocket hit at you, as a fan, what are your options? To protect yourself and attempt to catch it, or to get the fuck out of the way. It is not in the mindset to sit idly by and watch the ball crush the living shit out of your face. So yea, you are probably going to reach for the ball... And its fucking wicked cool to catch a ball at a baseball game, right?

Me, I might have dashed toward the outfield seats, laid hands on the fan and beaten him severely about the head and shoulders.

When I beat someone up, I always go for the shoulders. Some of you UFC tough guys may think that is ridiculous. No, its not ridiculous. Its genius! Who is going to protect their shoulders? And that is when I will strike!

After that, I would have had him arrested for attempting to interfere with history, at least in a horsehide sense. Or maybe arranged for a mental examination.

"at least in a horsehide sense"!!!!!!!!! What? Who is this guy writing for? Eighty year olds with a knack for attacking the shoulders of their many foes? I think after this man went on a rampage on innocent fans shoulders the security would be apt to charge our rogue journalist with battery. Not the fan with, "interfering with history."

Jeffrey Maier and Steve Bartman, move over. There's a new entry in baseball's pantheon of pathetic people.

Did anyone not see a Bartman reference coming. Give the little fucker a break. Does anyone remember the ball Alex Gonzalez missed?!?! It was right at him. And a slow chopper. How does one miss that?

Maier was the 12-year-old at Yankee Stadium who deflected a ball hit deep to right field while Orioles outfielder Tony Tarasco was set to make a catch in the 1996 American League Championship Series. The play was ruled a home run, and the Yankees eventually won the game and the series.

Did Dick just yell at a 12-year-old for trying to catch a home run ball? Little kids should be held accountable for their actions! Or else they will be beaten in the shoulders.

Bartman earned notoriety when he went for a foul ball at Wrigley Field in the 2003 National League Championship Series, thus preventing Cubs outfielder Moises Alou from catching it at a time when his club was five outs from the World Series. The Cubs then lost the lead, the game and the series to the Marlins.

Fancy colleges: where 39 word sentences happen!

What is it about those Chicago fans? No wonder the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908 and the White Sox went 88 years before doing so in 2005.

What is it about those Washington fans? They drove one franchise away. Only to be gifted a second. Then, their fanbase quickly diminishes because their team sucks. While I hate almost everything about Cubs fans, at least they found a way to pack the stadium throughout 100 years of terrible play. You fucks lost your first franchise. And how the fuck does the fact that Chicago fans enjoy catching baseballs lead to several years of Championship-less years. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Apparently, the only place in the world where fans reach for home run/foul balls is in Chicago. I had no idea.

I get that it's natural for folks at a ballgame to try to catch a ball hit into or near the stands, even at the risk of life and limb. What I don't understand is why, particularly if it hurts your own team.

Probably because you have all of 2.4 seconds to react and typically to make a great decision, one needs more than a few seconds.

Some foolhardy paying customers fail to flinch when screaming foul drives head toward their noggins. Others scramble and wrestle for balls with no regard for their safety or that of others nearby.

Someone just bought a Thesaurus.

Heck, you can buy an official major league ball for less than $20 online or at a sporting goods store, much less than a trip to the emergency room costs. I guess the idea is to prove you, too, can be an athlete, but who cares?

He must not have realized that you get an amazing amount of street cred for catching a game ball.

Buehrle's wife, Jamie, told the Chicago Tribune she was trying not to throw up because of nerves in the ninth inning.

Um, how does this fit in with the piece?

If the lunkhead in the seats had actually caught the ball, she might have unloaded in plain sight of the TV cameras and 28,036 eyewitnesses.

Are you kidding me? This guy gets paid, by a paper, to write! What exactly will she be unloading? Vicious shoulder kicks?

Sorry, make that 28,035 eyewitnesses. Presumably, the feeble-minded fan would have been waving the ball in triumph and waiting for high-fives that never came.

"How can I meet my word quota? Ah, yes. I shall just start writing random things that make no sense what so ever. No one will be the Wiser." See what I did there? I can make witty puns too. Its easy, you just capitalize some letters.

In other ways, too, some spectators indicate all too clearly that they don't give a rodent's rump about the game they paid to watch.

I wonder if he won an award for this written masterpiece.

How often have you seen an overindulging "fan" slop suds all over himself before sales are cut off? How about onlookers who leave after the eighth inning of a tie game? Or those who ignore the proceedings and brainlessly do "the wave"?

Dick Heller hates having fun at baseball games. He is repulsed by fun.

Of course, Buehrle himself might have been lacking smarts when, after receiving a 30-second congratulatory call from President Obama, he said, "What, that's all [the time] he's got for me?"

This also does not fit anywhere within his piece. Now Dick is just taking random digs at anything he can. Dick is also displaying his terrible sense of humor. I can only guess that Dick is a 50+ writer clinging on to the only writing job he is qualified for. If he is a young writer, he should seriously think about a new profession.

Guess what, Mark, the president of the United States had a few other things on his mind. Unlike the dimwitted fan in center field who obviously had nothing at all on his mind.

Terrible writing. Check. Unjustified claims at one of the largest fan bases in the country. Check. Witty puns. Check. Shoulder punches. Check



  2. One reason the Washington Post is by far the best newspaper in D.C.: The Washington Times.

  3. Let's hunt this man down with man-eating Okapis.

  4. Dear YSSW,
    Blogs are supposed to be short.
    Cooly and Dave's biggest fan.

  5. I refuse to make short blogs. You will read every one of my 5,000 words and love it. Anonymous, you best not be Brew Crew.

  6. i think i wanna punch this anonymous in the shoulder for not realizing that these are the only articles worth reading on this site

  7. Wow, just wow. How would Mariotti defend this over blogging?

    Everything written on Ump Bump and about 5% of what is written here is better than this shit.

    Honestly, you pay me, give me a column to care about, actually have people around to edit it, and I would put out better work than this.

    Hell, I even did with a shitty column in high school about IHOP that was better than this stinker. Fucking WASPs.

    Also, Clem, way to make an appearance.

  8. Cooly, don't call me out in front of your potentially cute friends. You know I have nothing but love for you, brotha from anotha motha.

  9. And Bob, as long as you don't punch me in my pitching arm, I'm fine with that.