Thursday, July 23, 2009

Yanks Suck... Because No One is Angry?

In today's thievery of all things FJM, I will be delivering a People's Elbow on the one and only Mike Celizic. Why? Mainly, because he decided to state that the Yankees are only good when they have a bitchy owner. While I never am rooting for the Yankees, to state that they are only good because their owner is whiny makes me sad. And away we go...

No matter how well the Yankees were playing, no matter how many home runs flew out of their new building, no matter much fun they had in the clubhouse, no matter how smoothly their season was going, there was something missing.

I can only wonder what is missing. Heart? Pride? Giambino's lucky thong? I'm on the edge of my seat.

You felt it in April and May, when the team was struggling to establish a rhythm.

Actually, the reason they were struggling then may have been because they were missing their best player, and their ball park ended up being the easiest park to go ya-ya in.

You felt it in June when things started to gel and the players began engaging in such un-Yankee-like behavior as enjoying their days at the ballpark.

O you mean, they started playing better once their best player got healthy. Illogical!

Also, I had not realized that it was written in the contract that all Yankee players must hate their lives. I mean the Cory Lidle thing was an accident.

The Yankees season opening series: Cleveland, Oakland (OK, they started off easy, but that was the beginning of the year when anything could happen) Boston, Detroit, Angeles, Boston, Tampa. That is an insane beginning of the year. 4 series in a row with division leaders, followed by Tampa, and the series after that did not get any easier (I will not list them, I feel my point is proven).

In June the Yankees opponents featured power houses such as: Mets, Nationals, Marlins, Braves, Mets, Mariners. So you are saying the Yankees won a few of these games against the slums of the NL East? I don't believe it.

And you’ve felt it in July, as the team has charged into a first-place tie with the Red Sox.

Actually, they got their best player back, fully healthy, and remained playing an easier schedule.

Maybe you didn’t consciously think of it, but it was in the back of your mind. You couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was.

And then like a gift from a passing pigeon, it hit you splat on the head: a blustering Steinbrenner. That’s what was missing.

Gift from a passing pigeon? O, does he mean like bird shit? That's hilarious. So witty. Keep these coming.

Until Hal Steinbrenner showed up in New York this week to disgorge his opinion of the team he and his brother, Hank, inherited from their father, I’d actually forgotten how vital a meddling owner is to the Yankee experience.

This is a really long sentence, but why do I love it? Ah, yes. The use of disgorge. Looks like someone dominated the verbal section of the SAT.

Without a blustering Steinbrenner, the Yankees are like a trailer park without a tornado. Sure, it's a more pleasant place, but not nearly as exciting.

Um... I'm not following.

...But thank the gods of baseball that nonsense is over. And thank the ever-vigilant New York tabloid media for rushing to print the instant Hal Steinbrenner showed up this week to deliver his opinion of his team.

I thought Hal Steinbrenner wasn't allowed to speak? Maybe his voice has magical Jesus powers.

“I believe we have a team that can win the championship," he opined.

And the rest of my life will be forever changed.

This is what I love about the Yankees. There is nothing so banal and insignificant that it can’t be turned into a major headline. It just needs to issue from a Steinbrenner's mouth and it takes on the gravitas of a papal encyclical.

I bow in the face of Celizic's thesaurus.

As statements go, this is the equivalent of the Admiral of the Navy declaring that his brand-new aircraft carrier is capable of floating. It’s as if after spending billions to build it, that’s a revelation.

Can someone take away his Metaphor-aholics membership card?

Here is where the article gets mangled. Celizic attempts to make fun of Steinbrenner, shame the New York media, and add intense metaphors.

It’s the same with the Yankees. The Steinbrenners have more than $200 million invested in this team, which towers above any other franchise. At those prices, it should be obvious that the team can win a championship. If it can’t, what are they spending all that money for? The news would be if it weren’t a team that could win a title.

Hal wasn't trying to give an amazing speech here. If anything he was allowing the players that he pays to play to their full potential. Hal seems to understand that he put together a solid team that should be in playoff contention.

It is writers like Celizic that blow everything Yankee related out of proportion. And yes, Celizic is trying to write an anti-New York media piece here, but instead of using his national column to talk about a Yankee obsessed media shouldn't he write of an exciting AL/NL Central Race or the outrageous Pittsburgh fire sale?

And yet, when Hal Steinbrenner declares that his first-place team that’s rolling along like a tank through a strawberry patch can win a championship, we’re all over it. Did you hear what he said? Oh, boy, the pressure’s on now. Give ‘em hell, Hal.

He wasn't trying to make a huge news story! It was idiots like you, Celizic, that made this a big deal. (O, and great use of the tank in this piece)

Son of George didn’t issue any threats or spew bile around the team’s spiffy new offices. He didn’t have to. It is enough in the Bronx that a Steinbrenner showed up to show that he still has a firm grasp of the obvious and isn’t afraid to let all of us know it.

I wish Celizic would have written this, it would have saved me time and heart ache: "Yankees played bad. Now Yankees playing good. Hal Stienbrenner talked! People who talk about the Yankees are doody heads! I'm going to talk about the Yankees now. Metaphor, metaphor, metaphor."

Let’s be honest here. In Kansas City, this would be meaningless. It would hardly draw a raised eyebrow even in Boston, where folks take their baseball more seriously than they do anywhere on earth. In Cleveland, it wouldn’t make any sense — none at all.

Pick random cities, make fun of their media outlets. Check. Take a shot a Cleveland that makes no sense, Check. Write about the Yankees while making fun of writers who write about the Yankees, Check.

But in New York, when a Steinbrenner speaks, everybody listens. We jot it down, print it out, weigh it, parse it, run it through a decoder to look for hidden meaning. And when we find none, it doesn’t matter, just as long as it seems that a Steinbrenner is rattling a pinstriped cage, no matter how gently.

I forgot to mention, has anyone heard of any outlets writing about this non-story? I think Celizic is the only one talking about it. Which means that the only person he is making fun of is himself. AHHHHHHH!


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