Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Cover Up

I started reading this story simply for the humor that a good injury cover up can give. Also, there was a picture of Jeff Kent on the front story, which always seals the deal on me reading. What forced me to regurge this pseudo-FJM style:

Myers, on a rehab assignment with Philadelphia's Class A farm team in Clearwater, Fla., missed a start Saturday after suffering an injury to his left eye. He told the club that he hurt himself playing catch with his little boy, then 'fessed up and said he tripped and fell while exiting his wife's Cadillac Escalade after a night of dinner and a couple of beers.

Does anyone believe this story??? Seriously, Brett Myers, black eye, Brett Myer's wife all in the same sentence. Somehow, Jerry Cransnick failed to mention another headline with these contributors. Brett Myers, where beating your wife on a public street happens.

Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro released a statement calling the accident "unfortunate," and Myers told the Philadelphia Inquirer that he changed course because the first account made him feel "like an idiot."

On a related note, Myers was proud when his wife beating story came out.

A few months later, amid reports that he hurt himself while roughhousing, Padres pitcher David Wells quickly set the record straight: He said he severed a tendon in his wrist while tripping over a bar stool in his kitchen, and the incident was portrayed as just another case of "Boomer being Boomer."

Thank you for making a great "Player X being Player X" reference. I hadn't heard that in awhile. Also, no one cared that Boomer was drunk because 90% of the time any baseball fan saw him he was drunk (like when he was pitching). I'm just surprised this hasn't happened to Todd Hundley.

Jeff Kent's motorcycle accident

The mother of all fabrications. Kent, fresh off his third straight All-Star appearance in San Francisco, fractured his wrist early in spring training in 2002. He told the Giants that he slipped and fell while washing his Chevy pickup at a self-service car wash in Scottsdale, Ariz.

He very well could have been beating his wife too, or grooming his mustache, or murdering strippers.

Kent responded vaguely when confronted with the police report. General manager Brian Sabean was furious, and the Giants put Kent in his place by making him begin the season on the disabled list against his will.

Yea, I'm going to pay you to do nothing, when you're not that hurt. Suck a fat one! You showem Sabean.

Clint Barmes' venison adventure

First, Barmes said he broke his collarbone when he tripped and fell on some stairs while carrying a bag of groceries. Then he amended the story to reveal that he was carrying a package of deer meat given him by teammate Todd Helton.

How are these stories different? Trips while carrying groceries, or trips while carrying meat. Unless it happened because Todd Helton booby trapped the meat (very possible).

On the third go-round, Barmes inserted the part about how he'd spent a June day in 2005 riding all-terrain vehicles with Helton and Brad Hawpe at Helton's ranch outside Denver.

On a completely unrelated note: Barmes hobbies include para sailing, scuba diving, and juggling flaming midgets. Guess which one Todd Helton encourages?

And it placed him in the upper echelon of food-related injuries -- right up there with Bret Barberie's rubbing habanero chili juice in his eyes while inserting contact lenses and Kevin Mitchell's needing a root canal from a chocolate doughnut that he left in a microwave too long.

How were each of these not more prominent?

Joe Beimel's night on the town

Beimel, a bullpen mainstay for the Dodgers' 2006 NL wild-card team, decided to drop into a Manhattan bar and watch the Eagles and Packers on "Monday Night Football" two nights before the opener of the National League Division Series with the Mets. Bad call. Sometime around 2:30 a.m., Beimel cut his left hand while dropping a beer bottle, and the blood wouldn't stop flowing. Upon returning to the team hotel, he initially told a Dodgers trainer that he had injured himself while drinking beer in his room.

How dare he! Lie about his raucous hotel room drinking, when we really know he was in a bar. I suppose worse things could happen at bars.

The ruse didn't last long.

Turns out the Hardy Boys broke this case.

"Our disappointment is unlimited," Little told reporters.

Possibly my favorite quote ever.

Carl Pavano's car accident

Pavano was always forthcoming in telling the Yankees about the shoulder, elbow, buttocks and back injuries that dogged him in his four seasons with the club. But when he broke two ribs in a car accident in August 2006 and kept it hidden from the team for almost two weeks, management was livid.

So this is why Pavano sucked for 6 years. It all makes sense now.

... and some people had a good laugh at Pavano's expense.

Raise your hand if you are one of those people. (America's collective hand being raised)

The New York Post ran the headline "Crash Dummy," and Daily News columnist Mike Lupica referred to the pitcher as "NASCAR Carl Pavano."

Mike Lupica has many jokes.

Dan Miceli, Bash Brother

Florida reliever Dan Miceli arrived in spring training in 2000 with five stitches in his right hand, a cut on his elbow and a whopper of a story. Miceli told Marlins officials and the media that he suffered the injury in a fight with four "hippie rednecks" outside a bar in Orlando. Miceli said one of the men had been "hitting on" his wife, and pulled a knife and slashed him during the subsequent dispute.

Do I need to comment. This is funny enough. Just read the quoted items. I wonder if shoulder punching was a problem?

Not exactly. According to the local police, Miceli suffered the injuries during a family dispute. A police report said that Miceli and his brother, Richard, got into an argument at the kitchen table and were exchanging punches when their mother intervened.

So, the made up story was far worse than the actual story. HILARIOUS.

"It's not like I'm out there killing people, smoking drugs or raping women or anything like that,"

How can this be the second best quote in the article. Thank you Cransick for writing this. It provided me with hours of entertainment.

Jesus Colome and his "problem"

Sometimes teams can elicit the biggest guffaws by trying to convey information in the most delicate manner possible. After placing Colome on the disabled list with a "soft tissue injury in a lower right extremity" in June 2007, the Washington Nationals delved into greater detail and revealed that Colome was suffering from an infection in his right buttocks.

Was it an anal fissure? Did he catch it from Kaz Matsui?

I only started reading this because of a picture of Jeff Kent. I came out with two amazing quotes, and a lot of laughter. I am thankful for Todd Helton's booby traps, players drinking, and anal fissures.

3 comments:

  1. I wish Lance Briggs played baseball and people actually cared about him. This little car of mine, I'm gonna let it die! He got wasted or drugged up worse than his fellow Mountain Man
    teammate but there was one thing that miraculously left behind and they didn't find one scrap of anything that would warrant leaving behind this $150,000 Baby!
    We Salute You Mr. Way Too Proud Of Losers NFL Commissioner

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  2. Great blog post, thats all I have to say.

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  3. Please do anything you can do keep increasing the count on murdered strippers. 7 is not enough

    ReplyDelete