Friday, August 28, 2009

Dave Duncan Cheating!

Note: All opinions and accusations below are completely unsubstantiated, but seriously look at these fucking pitching numbers.

Dave Duncan is a whoring, Battlestar Galactica loving, stripper killer. Wait, that makes no sense? Eh, I'll keep it in there. What this is really about is, could it be possible that Dave Duncan is simply the master of all things pitching. How has he transformed so many shitty pitchers into amazing talents? Could it be possible that he is just smarter than anyone else who has ever picked up a baseball? No. It is not possible. There is something fishy going on in St. Louis, look at these numbers put up by his completely un-talented former pitchers.

Ryan Franklin

4 years as a starter with the Mariners, 1 in the bullpen with the Phillies and the Reds. ERA's of 4.02, 3.57, 4.90, 5.10, 4.54. With a WHIP typically hovering from 1.23 to 1.54 with several years in the 1.40's. His FIP was typically in the low 5.00's. All of these numbers took a drastic turn for the better once he reached St. Louis. As a Cardinal, he has a typical ERA of low 3.00's and this year is at a staggering 1.07. His WHIP tells much the same story, with the Cardinals he has accrued WHIPs of 1.09, 1.47, 0.91 and his FIP has decreased similarly.

This can all be attributed to Dave's miraculous touch, and the frequent rubdowns he gives his pitchers. But this is harder to explain (all of the following numbers are approximate averages based on Fangraphs statistics):

Franklin's fastball velocity: Pre Cardinals-88.8, With Cardinals- 91.3
Contact %: Pre- 86%, w/ Cardinals-81%
Fastball Value: Pre- -12, w/Cardinals- +7

Seems like Mr. Franklin's Fastball got better for seemingly no apparent reason. I wonder if this has happened to any other Cardinal pitchers?

Jason Isringhausen
Fastball Velocity: non Cardinals- 91.1, w/Cardinals-92.4
Contact %: non Cardinals-84.4%, w/Cardinals- 77.0%
Fastball Value: non Cardinals- 1.8, w/Cardinals- 7.7-11.4

Jeff Suppan
Fastball Velocity: non Cardinals- 87.2, w/Cardinals- 88.2
Contact %: non Cardinals- 85.7%, w/Cardinals- 84.3%
Fastball Value: non Cardinals -5.7 to -18.4, w/Cardinals -4.1 to +3.3

Jason Marquis
Fastball Velocity: non Cardinals- 90.3, w/Cardinals- 91.3
Contact %: non Cardinals- 85.1%, w/Cardinals 85.2%
Fastball Value: non Cardinals -7, w/ Cardinals +2 (with one amazing year of -22)

All seemingly shitty pitchers, all with one thing in common: their fastballs were improved greatly by just being on the Cardinals. Four awful pitchers all gain velocity for their years on the Cardinals, how could this have happened?

Clearly, you fucking simpletons are missing the obvious. The mound is 9 inches closer to the plate in St. Louis than in every other stadium. Think about it! Shorter distance to the plate, leads to more zip on the heater, leads to less folks hitting that spicy mustard that Jason Marquis has dripping from his hand. And you kids thought Dave Duncan was a great pitching coach. I'm sorry to inform you that he is simply a cheater.


  1. False.

    Their velocities go up due to a combination of Imo's Pizza, humidity, Budweiser, and Nelly.


    Also fact, Ryan Franklin was the first person suspended for steroids. That might be a factor.

  2. So Dave Duncan is pumping them with steroids? Is he taking over Canseco's crown as embassador of 'Roids?

  3. Franklin took 'roids in Seattle with Griffey. Duh. Check your facts.