Monday, August 24, 2009

Obvious Steroids User 8/24/09


No, this is not one of those lazy posts like I have written for Giambi and Canseco. Yes, I know that Caminiti had no problem with admitting his steroid use.

Instead, let's hop in a time machine together. Let's go back to the year 2000. Before Caminiti's own admission. Before the Mitchell Report. Strange times, right?

Caminiti will not retire until next year, but he has just signed a deal with the Rangers that will pay him $3.5M in the upcoming 2001 season. He will be 38. He's completely washed up. You are pissed that someone like him could hobble around at third making that much money while you are forced to drink Colt 45's because that is all that will fit in your budget.

But you remember him winning the MVP just a few seasons ago. Kind of out of nowhere since you remember him as a mediocre fielder and worse hitter for Astros. So you decide to take a look at the stats.

In eight seasons with Houston, he managed to put up a career line of 896 H/ 75 HR/ 445 RBI/ .260 AVG/ .319 OBP/ .386 SLG. He did get one All Star nod in 1994 for no apparent reason that you can find.

Then Caminiti was shipped to San Diego in the 1994 offseason along with Steve Finley and for Derek Bell, Doug Brocail, and the other Pedro Martinez. Seeing all of the shitty Astros involved in this trade nearly makes you puke.

In the Whale's Vagina, you notice that Ken underwent a few changes.

First, he grew a grody, creepy goatee.

Second, he put a little different statline in FOUR years that looked like this - 592 H/ 121 HR/ 396 RBI/ .295 AVG/ .384 OBP/ and .540 SLG!!!

Third, he went from looking like this to this.

A lightbulb goes off in your head that something might have been wrong during that time in San Diego. Other indications:

- One MVP in 1996 at the age of 33 that consisted of a line that was 40 HR/ .326 AVG/ .408 OBP/ .621 SLG. You compare that to his career in Houston and see a slight discrepency.
- The Padres go to the World Series in 1998. They soon become the most forgotten World Series team of the past 25 years.
- Three Gold Gloves. This doesn't as much indicate steroid use as it does that Gold Glove voting is completely shitty and truly based on batting. Over that timespan ('95 - '97), Caminiti put up the following fielding runs above average... -11.6, 3.0, and -11.2. Very Gold Glove worthy for a third baseman.

After observing all these things, your mind is blown. You don't even have a comprehension of what steroids really are but know that Caminiti did something wrong. You have stumbled upon something brilliant and groundbreaking. You could possibly change the entire course of modern baseball reporting and skepticism.

Instead, you celebrate your accomplishment by treating yourself to a case of Red Dog.

Nine years later, I find your research and use it to name Ken Caminiti the Obvious Steroids User of the week. Welcome to the club, Ken.


  1. First off, in 2000, all of the writers on this blog were in 7th grade. Which means we were far more likely to be stealing wine coolers that scraping money together to buy 40's. While I may enjoy a malted beverage now, I do not think my palatte was refined enough back then to be pounding Mickey's like its no thang.

    Second, do not knock Red Dog. I fondly remember this as the last cast I bought at Valpo, we had some good times together.

    Lastly, there is no way in shit that the Padres played for a world series in 1998. I still don't believe you.

  2. Good post since you managed to get multiple bad beers into it and whale's vagina (has anyone been watching Whale Wars? Cooly I know you turned me onto it, so I hope you still are. Its crazy how stupid these hippies are, and the captain- he is the worst of all of them. He clearly knows nothing about even being on a ship.)

    But how does Darren Daulton not get mentioned when speaking of time traveling? I thought this group was better than that.