Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Youkilis is Angry

So while watching the Red Sox-Tigers game via MLB Network, I noticed things start to get a little heated. Tazawa beaned Cabrera on an iffy inside pitch. Honestly, it wasn't that far in, and barely hit him. Porcello then got angry and tried to get some retribution. I, however, got a little bored and decided to turn off MLB Network to watch some Scrubs. Then, the beauty of ESPN Texts sent me this peach, "BOS 3B- Kevin Youkilis ejected Tuesday vs. DET for charging the moung after being hit by pitch."

This peaked my interest, and on a boring Tuesday night in Burton I decided I would scour MLB Network in hopes that they would show Kevin Youkilis beating the piss out of the 20 year old Rick Porcello.

As I type this, I am still waiting for them to show the madness. I will give a thourough analysis of the fight as soon as possible.

Still waiting...

Still waiting...

**EDITORS NOTE** It has been brought to my attention that Tazawa and Youkilis are indeed on the same team, and when I say Tazawa here I mean Porcello. Small mistake. (Actually not a small mistake but deal with it jackasses). So basically the rest of this post makes little to no sense, but read the rest o it for the sweet Triple H jokes/clip.

Ok, I have gotten bored waiting. I will now give you a break down of what I think happened, and later I will edit it to show how close the stories actually are.

Rookie Tazawa on the mound, slightly rattled in his first Big League start. He throws a pitch up and in to a grinning Kevin Youkilis. Tazawa clearly perturbed by Youkilis' foolish batting stance.

Youkilis hits the ground in a heap. Dirt caking his Matt Clement-esque beard. OMG Youkilis stands flexing at home plate, showing he is afraid of no one. (Update: This actually happened a little bit, for a split second, if you look at it closely. Yes, that is pushing it.) Youkilis is reaching down, O no, is he going for his bat? No! He is picking up dirt. Eating the dirt. Spitting it out like Triple H. Youkilis sprints to the mound. Removes helmet. Throws helment at Tazawa!!!!!! (Update: This did happen. Which made me jump up and down screaming like a girl) Unfazed by the brutal helmet throw Tazawa uses the black belt that he surely earned as a young Japanese boy to jump kick Youkilis, and he connects with a vicious hit to the face (Update: Rick Porcello actually body slammed Youkilis and then got the three count. A detail I would have gotten correct however I was blinded by the possible fiestyness of the Japanese Tazawa). Youkilis is down for the count. O my, here comes the ump. Wait what is he doing?!?!? O my, he... is... counting Youkilis down. 1.... 2..... 3.... That's it. It's over! Youkilis is down for the count.

(Yes, I had 10 minutes to kill before going out, and this is how I spent it.)


  1. Youkilis is such an ass. I was expecting a big fantasy night out of Porcello

  2. Why would Tazawa throw a pitch up and in to his own first baseman? I mean I like the whole Japanese face kick sequence, but your story line doesn't make any sense. Once again a misguided on field beating attempt from White Sox nation.

  3. Damnit. Sorry, I spent all of 8 minutes on this post. Next time I may possibly pay attention more. Actually, thats outrageous, i will still pay no attention and make bogus claims. And you, the reader, will read and love it.

  4. Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself! (Not really, no redemption here, that was really dumb)