Monday, September 7, 2009

In "A League of Their Own"

I DON'T HAVE BALLPLAYERS, I'VE GOT GIRLS! I wonder how willing Lou and Ozzie would be to agree with this statement? I'm going to try to establish a new segment today on YSSW and do an introduction to something I'd like to call "Chicago Baseball Movie Comparison." To start with today's article, why not compare the Cubs or Sox to what they really are, nothing but a bunch of money hoarding whores and prima donnas. So, lets compare the Chicago Cubs to "A League of Their Own." For those of you that have never heard of the movie or seen it, I suggest that you do that ASAP.

MANAGER: Jimmy Dugan vs. Lou Piniella

While I don't believe Lou would show up hammered to a game like Jimmy did, the similarities are eerie. At one point in the movie, while drunk, Jimmy mutters under his breath after arguing with an umpire "Did anyone ever tell you that you, look like a penis with that little hat on?" I'm pretty sure Lou has come up with a few comments like that before. Jimmy Dugan, played by Tom Hanks, also is well known for "Are you crying? Are you crying? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!!!" How many times do you think Lou has had to say that to Soriano, Bradley and Big Z this year?

CATCHER: Dottie Hinson vs. Geo Soto

One only cares about starting a family and plays the game to make time pass by before her husband comes home from the war. The other doesn't really care about baseball. He just needs the funds from the Tribune Company, and soon to be Ricketts family, to support a healthy hobby of weed smoking. Dottie didn't return to the Girl's Professional Baseball League (GPBL) after her first season, and Soto hasn't showed up all year during this terrible sophomore slump.

PITCHER: Kit Keller vs. Carlos Zambrano
Kit Keller is the no-talent ass-clown of a sister to star catcher Dottie Hinson. She receives a tryout for the league because her sister wouldn't go unless they would let allow both to tryout. She then makes the same team as her sister and has ups and downs through the entire year. At one point Kit and Dottie get in an argument and management sends Kit out of town to a different team. Enter Big Z. No talent, can't throw strikes, fights with his catcher too(but the catcher gets shipped out in that story). Kit has something that Zambrano will never get, a World Series Championship, the winning pitcher, and scoring the winning run by plowing over the catcher in the bottom of the ninth, which is all stuff that Z would live for.

FIRST BASE: Helen Haley vs. Derek Lee

Helen Haley plays a quiet role on the Rockford Peaches. She shows up to play everyday, has big hits when needed, and has been a very successful player previously before joining the GPBL. Derek Lee fits the bill as the quiet player for the Cubs. He is a team leader but soft spoken, having yet another great year with 30+ HR's and 100+RBI's. And like Helen, Lee was successful in winning a championship with a previous team before joining the Cubs. Fuck the 2003 Marlins!

SECOND BASE: Marla Hooch vs. Mike Fontenot

Well not too much to say here. Though I do think it is possible that Marla Hooch would be a better 2nd baseman for the Cubs than any reject that they have had filling the position this year. Marla and Mike are both lookers too! Man I'd love to get me some Marla Hooch.

SHORTSTOP: Ellen Sue Gotlander vs. Ryan Theriot

Ellen Sue was the beauty queen of the bunch. She was a Miss Geogia winner and backup pitcher for the team as well. Ryan Theriot was an LSU product and seems to always have a dirty stash that just doesn't quite grow. Ellen Sue steps it up at the end of the season once Kit gets trade, Theriot steps up after Cedeno couldn't do shit.

THIRD BASE: Doris Murphy vs. Aramis Ramirez

Doris Murphy is the loud, annoying fat one of the team, which is why Rosie O'Donnell was chosen to play her. At one point during a game Rosie dives into the stands and makes a catch, and then takes a bite out of a hot dog. Aramis Ramirez would dive into the stands, miss the ball, get hurt, and then have a beer to ease the pain. Both players can hit, but at least Doris wasn't injury prone during the movie.

LEFT FIELD: Shirley Baker vs. Alfonso Soriano

Shirley Baker is a quiet, small town girl that can't read but is eventually tutored to learn the essentials of the English language. She comes off the bench to contribute towards the end of the season as a starter. Soriano knows little English, and can't play defense or hit worth shit. He deserves to be moved to the bench and stay there, where he could also work on his English.

CENTER FIELD: Mae Mordabito vs. Kosuke Fukudome

This couple here is hard to compare. Mae is a whore and is played by Madonna. She drinks, she smokes, she's a bitch. Fukudome swings, he misses, he spins. The only thing both of them have going for them is their speed and athletic ability to make things happen. They both have a hell of an arm though.

RIGHT FIELD: Evelyn Gardner vs. Milton Bradley

Both these players must overcome adversity during the season. Evelyn must find a way to control her obnoxious son, Stillwell. Her defense is questionable at best, just like Bradley's. During the movie Evelyn is the one Jimmy approaches and yells at for not hitting the cutoff man. After being yelled at Evelyn starts to cry and Jimmy goes into his rant. Bradley is the most ungraceful outfielder. He hasn't played terribly for the Cubs, but I'm sure Lou has got in his face a few times which may have created some tears in the eyes of Milton Bradley.

The 2009 Chicago Cubs have been full of disappointment. Sadly enough, they are also very similar to a fictional movie about girls playing baseball during the World War II time period. Either way, I guess I'll just wait til next year?


  1. An article all about women and no mentioning of murdered strippers? I guess this blog might finally be maturing.

  2. I bring a little bit of class to the blog....not much, but some. Sorry to disappoint

  3. Lou and Milton had exactly the same shouting match as in the movie, when Lou called Milton a "piece of shit" back in June and Milton left in a tantrum and then cried to reporters.

  4. Aramis is the quiet leader. Bad explanation between him and Rosie there

  5. eh, a lot of those comparisons were a stretch.
    zambrano is talentless? he may be stupid but he did pitch a no hitter last year...
    and you werent even close on ramirez. he is an above average fielder and the best offensive player on the cubs.
    but a lot of what you said was spot on. especially the part about them being full of disappointment.

  6. Milton hasn't played terribly for the Cubs? Obviously you haven't watched many games and just looked up his average.

  7. Um... in all the games I have watched Milton has been atrocious. His combination of unintelligent defensive play and teenager-like attitude have made him a detriment to the team all year long. He is a complete team cancer like Chris Webber.

  8. This is hilarious! First, most of the comparisons are fucking great. Who the fuck cares that you weren't spot on with Ramirez, I mean fuck, he's comparing fictional characters from a movie made 15 years ago to a real Cubs team. Cut the little asshole a break.

    Also, we do not watch the Cubs games??? Sorry, but the writers of this blog are all from Chicago. I'm pretty sure we have all watched just about every Cubs game this year, and just about everyone from the past 5 years. However, I do like the new readers giving some input.

  9. from Coolys comment it sounded like he hasnt seen milton play much of the second half of this season. but ill cut the little asshole a break.