Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ode to the WNBA Playoffs

What's that you say? You didn't realize the playoffs were here. I know you had it marked on your calender, but I am here to remind you anyways. Because YSSW isn't just about making fun of baseball and baseball players/management. What it is really about is the national pastime. If someone would like to doubt the simple fact that the WNBA is clearly a national pastime, they are kidding themselves. The WNBA is just as American as V Neck T-shirts, maple syrup, pizza, La Cucaracha, and pandas. Wait a second, those things aren't very American. O, well.

In honor of the WNBA I present to you, the Top Ten Players I Would Like to Punch in the Face...

10. Torii Hunter. Seriously, how many I's does he need in his name. Its ridiculous. And he always fucking robs the White Sox of home runs. (Quick, someone start a count of how many times I use "fuck" in this post)

9. Yuniesky Betancourt. Fuck you Betancourt family, pick an easier to spell first name. Also, he may be the single worst everyday position player. Somehow he has 5 home runs this year. Roughly 7 of them have been hit against the White Sox.

8. Dustin Pedroia. He is damn lucky he had that semi-funny commercial earlier this year, or else he would have been way higher/lower (whatever means I would hate him more) on this list.

7. The Marlins Organization. There is no player that I would like to see succeed more than Cameron Maybin. Fucking assholes that they are refuse to call him up until there is 1 month left in the season. (They did not give him a chance at the beginning of the year). He will be amazing, and he will steal 950 bases in one season. Trust me.

6. David Eckstein. Defines Grit. It is also very easy to kick his shoulders. (He is approximately 5'1")

5. Alexei Ramirez. Learn how to throw the damn ball to first base. Also, settle on a pronunciation of your first name, because hearing Hawk butcher it 7,000 times this year made me violently ill. Alexei, please have worse UZR/150 numbers in 2008, -10.6 at 2B, -12.5 at SS, and -49.0 in CF (11 games, but still)!!!!

4. Barry Bonds. He doesn't play anymore, but I still don't like him. Plus, Jeff Kent hates him, and I always side with Jeff Kent.

3. Josh Hamilton. I hate his preaching ass. And I'm glad those pictures of him and a bunch of skanks came out. He is definitely a stripper murderer. Hey Josh, Jesus hates you.

2. Ted Lilly. Never has Ted Lilly been good. Do not tell me any number from his years from the Cubs (I have written about his real stats in earlier posts). Those are fake. Ted Lilly sucks. Mr. Anonymous loves him. That makes him worse. I have a lifetime bet, in which I will chop off a hand, or something like that, if Ted Lilly throws a no hitter. If this actually happens, I will never watch another baseball game.

1. Nick Punto. Everything about him sucks, including: his face, his 2007 batting average (.210), his 2007 SLUG (.271, good enough for worst of any player with 200+ AB since 1992), the fact that he played in 150 games that season, his shit eating grin, his power numbers (12 career HR), and this picture. I hate him more than any player ever. I'm 100% sure that I could beat him up and hit major league pitching better than he does. What makes him worse is that the only 6 games he has played decent in his career have came against the White Sox.

1 comment:

  1. If only you could hear through your lack of internet connection how hard I was laughing throughout this post.

    ReplyDelete