Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Puke puke puke... puke.. puke puke puke.
October is a great many things. It is the month when the leaves change color, when pucks are rifled and jump-shots floated,
Well, I suppose that is a bad start, but it really can't get worse than that title.
when young women respond to Halloween's sartorial challenges by costuming themselves as sexy nuns, sexy Snoopys and sexy thoracic surgeons.
For some reason, I get a kick out of this line. Maybe its because of its deliberate attempt at copying Bill Plaschke, maybe its because its so stupid its funny. Either way, if this article wasn't about something so stupid I would laugh at that line.
But mostly October is the month where True Yankees™
Puke (TM)... I don't know how to do a superscript in this blog editor.
are enshrined in our hearts and ennobled in our civic organizations.
There are great writers to copy your style after (some of us choose FJM writers). I don't know who this schmuck has as a mentor, but find a new one.
Only in October can players earn vaunted True Yankee™ status, and only then by performing great tasks of baseball might in Games That Matter.
Is this guy being sarcastic? This is far too much ass kissing to not be sarcastic.
What is a True Yankee™, you ask? It is love. It is devotion. It is a $17,250 per diem. But it's so much more. To be a True Yankee™ is to embody the traits that define our leaders, clergymen and romantic-comedy heroines. It is to swim with the dolphins and to soar with the angels (the sweetly singing ones with pointy wings, not the ones who bobbled and base-ran their way out of the American League Championship Series). It is, quite simply, to live.
What is this buffoon talking about??? This is the single worst written piece I have read since starting this blog. What the fuck is going through this guys head... Let's just say random things and call them True Yankee things. That is a great idea. People will love me. Everyone loves the Yankees... right?
So as we patiently await the arrival of a slap-hitting Jehovah on par with Scott Brosius or Brian Doyle, it's time to revisit our exclusive True Yankee™ rankings
Really? This lineup is full of people that absolutely mash the ball, and this asshole wants Scott Brosius!!!!!!
As in years past, our methodology takes into account heart, hustle, determination, intensity, sangfroid, unshakabilitude, wanting-it-more-iness and batting average with runners in scoring position.
As in years past, our methodology is subjective, demeaning, caters to white people, and would rank David Eckstein #1 in our hearts, souls, and prayers.
15. Babe Ruth (previous rank: 13):
Did Babe Ruth do any of the aforementioned things once in his life??? Didn't he just hit massive homeruns, and waddle around the bases. Not exactly hustling. I'm not even going to post the filth that comes out of this chumps mouth with the exception of this part...
Had The Babe paid more attention to his lumpy-oatmeal abs, maybe he'd have been the unquestioned best player in the history of the game, rather than merely one of the four legit candidates for the top slot.
This is the dumbest person to ever write about baseball. Hands down, no questions.
14. Jorge Posada (previous rank: 6): Tumbled down the chart with an execrable Game 6 against the Angels, during which he tapped into two double plays and left 10 runners on base. True Yankee™ managerial apprentice Joe Girardi never committed such a grand-scale atrocity during his playing days, because he rarely made contact with pitched balls.
Is this sarcastic? I really can't tell.
13. Paul O'Neill (previous rank: 8): Nobody in True Yankee™ history slammed a helmet after a subpar at-bat with O'Neill's toughness and determination.
12. CC Sabathia (previous rank: N/A): The Truest Yankee™ of the AL Championship Series earned his button with three dominant postseason starts, which erased his five previous ghastly ones from the record books. He gets the nod over True Yankee™ rotation mainstays of the past -– Whitey Ford, Vic Raschi, Ron Guidry et Al -– owing to a lack of institutional memory among newbie fans clad in replica Joba Chamberlain jerseys.
Not very sarcastic... I'm so confused.
One thing I'm not confused on, this writer sucks.
7. Alex Rodriguez (previous rank: tied for 27,441st with Joe Cowley and Alvaro Espinoza): Finally, somebody sat poor, sweet Alex down and told him that the 162 games of the regular season don't count toward his True Yankee™ résumé.
"Alex, it doesn't matter you are the only reason this team is respectable. When teams were keying in on our weaknesses in past postseasons, it is your fault you did not single handily win us every game. Do not bring up the fact that Jeter only hits singles and playing poor defense"
6. Bernie Williams (previous rank: 5): Sssh! True Yankees™ need not speak above a Michael Jackson whisper, nor do they need to officially retire, even after three idle seasons. Sadly, fans didn't recognize Bernie as a True Yankee™ until after he was gone. Constant exposure to Johnny Damon's shotput arm helped them along with that.
Ok, not sarcastic at all. But "fans didn't recognize Bernie as a True Yankee until after he was gone." Are you kidding me? Shouldn't Bernie Williams have been our of baseball 2 years before he actually was sent packing? Wasn't that solely because fans wanted to see him in?
4. Thurman Munson (previous rank: 3): How's this for a sign of respect? The Yankees transported his old locker, preserved as it was on the day he died, across the street to the new stadium. He was Caesar in eye-black, Churchill in cleats. So taken were the True Yankees™ of the late-1970s with the Cap'n's leadership and charisma, they actually listened when he said, "Uh, guys, let's not punch each other in the head quite so often."
Babe Ruth 15. Thurman Munson 4.
2. Derek Jeter (previous rank: 3): In the wake of another fine postseason campaign, Jeter needs only to close the deal on the Yankees' 27th world title via a patented feat of Jeterity -- by anchoring an 8-6-4-2-6-5-6-5-6 triple play, or perhaps by spontaneously levitating to catch a Ryan Howard moonshot -- to merit Truest Yankee Ever™ consideration.
I see. Number 1 on this list must have accomplished this feat. Quite impressive. Even more impressive, I have yet to hear about this stunning act.
When he leaves the game, the Yankees won't just retire his uniform number; they'll buy up intellectual-property rights to the No. 2 and remove it from public circulation.
Makes me sad I wore #2.
Sure, schoolchildren won't be able to learn their times tables without breaking the law, but that's a small price to pay for properly honoring a true True Yankee™.
My outrage has succumbed to perplexity.
1. Lou Gehrig (previous rank: 1: He bled Bombers blue. He pooped pinstripes. He died in the service of True Yankee™-dom. Beat that, you punk kids.
Him dying of a horrible disease is why he is the '"Truest Yankee". I don't even know if I have words.
O, wait here they are..
You bumbling jackass. Not only was this the dumbest article ever written, it doesn't even have merits as close to reflective of what a Yankee fan may think. Your complete lack of understanding of the game, how it is played, and what constitutes a "good" player is completely skewed. Having read this article, I now think less of CBSSports. I think lesser of Yankee fans for allowing you to be one of them. I feel worse about my generation as a whole if this is the type of writing that will be gracing sports websites for years to come.
O well, I've decided to FJM hilarious news stories that I found within 3 seconds of getting home from work and clicking on sports pages. Here is your Phillies news story, the Yankees are to follow...
Lawyer: Sex-for-tix woman has 'Phillies fever'
This is the headline on ESPN.com right now. I'm not joking. Clearly, this story has to be read.
A lawyer for a Philadelphia woman charged with offering sex for World Series tickets says she is "a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever."
Joke #1: Is this anything like hayfever? I've heard of hay fever before, but I never fully understood what it was. Thank you slutty Phillies fan for shedding the light on me. Hay fever is offering to have sex with farmers in order to obtain hay.
Joke #2: I wonder if this comes in Vikings fever, because I would love to bone some dude for some Vikes-Packers tix this weekend.
Joke #3: I bet I know someone who might have access to Phillies tix... Steve Phillips!!!!
Joke #4: Who is this lady's lawyer??? Charlie from Always Sunny???
Please leave your own jokes in the comments
Lawyer William J. Brennan says Susan Finkelstein might have dropped double entendres in her Craigslist ad but never explicitly offered sex.
Ah, some double entendres. Kinky. I like where these Phils fans heads are at here.
Brennan says the 43-year-old University of Pennsylvania graduate student...
Graduate fucking college already.
...wanted to take her husband to a game between her beloved Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees.
What are you actions as the husband in this case? Are you pissed at your whore of a wife? Did you put her slutty ass up to it? Do you plan on murdering her whore ass afterward and stealing the tickets?
Brennan says the self-described "buxom blonde" was trying to score tickets online, as she had in the past.
Finkelstein was arrested Tuesday after meeting at a suburban bar with an undercover police officer responding to the ad.
Brennan says he hopes to get the charges dismissed.
Unlike all the other defense attourneys who wish their clients get some hard time.
Maybe it is just the naive Midwesterner coming out in me, but does anyone else notice that the two biggest douche cities from the East Coast are sending their teams to the World Series?
Okay, sure you could probably argue that Boston might be douchier than New York (there is no way you can argue that Philly isn't number one). But in my mind, that city elevated itself from douchey to awesome once I saw Mark Wahlberg in The Departed.
And as Coley Ward has pointed out at Ump Bump, who do you root for? Either team that wins will cause a lot of really annoying fans to be running around this nation. Maybe Obama should push nationalized health care through more quickly since the end of this series will probably end with either thousands of cheesesteak lovers or Seinfeld look-a-likes with broken noses.
Although I don't want them to do it, I think the Yankees take the Series in seven games. I count on CC shutting down the Phillies lineup by pitching at least 36 innings in the Series.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
1. Stray-Rod (I like that one best of all his nicknames) will hit 7 kajillion home runs, Yankees fans will believe he is the greatest thing since Paul O'Neill and immediately retire his Unlucky Number 13. Upon retiring Stray-Rod's number, the Yankees will subsequently fail to win a World Series for 98 years. Thereby creating the Curse of the Stray Rod, and allowing Yankee Haters to call shitty Yankee Stadium, "The House that Ugly Kate Hudson Built" (as opposed to Hot Kate Hudson)
2. Matty G has an orgasm and passes out each time he sees Chase Utley make a routine play in the infield, step up to the plate, or just any time you see his sweet greaser hair. This will lead to Matty G seeing approximately 4 1/2 minutes of the entire series.
3. Vicente Padilla will come out of the stands just to bean someone from any team.
4. Who's Your Daddy chants will bring Pedro to tears.
5. Steve Phillips will uncontrollably have sex with 6 fat women.
6. Jose Lima will make a relief appearance now that he has been found.
7. Jason Werth will dye his beard red like Scott Spezio, even though he doesn't really have to.
8. 7,000 people will jab pencils in their ears after hearing Joe Buck talk about how great New Yankee Stadium is.
9. Derek Jeter will perform some minutely clutch act like getting a single (what the fuck else is he going to hit) with a man on first in the 9th, with the Yankees up two runs. He will then be heralded as the most clutch performer to ever walk the Earth. Jesus will give him the blue ribbon of valor.
10. For some reason this World Series starts on Thanksgiving this year, and each time Jeter steps to the plate Joe Buck will jokingly say, "And here comes Mr. November". (This may be the only thing that actually occurs on this list.
11. The Yankees will win in 6 games. Mainly, because they are really fucking good.
However, his steroid use is quite obvious.
Plus, his manlover, Jose Canseco, threw him under the bus in Juiced. And Jose has been a pretty good informant.
Although I am taking this day to commerate Mark McGwire's official joining of the OSUC, I don't want to focus on the steroids.
Instead, I want to look more at the crazy notion that Tony La Russa actually believes that bringing McGwire on the staff is a good idea. (My personal believe is that Tony wanted to retire but was guilted into the job next year, so he decided to throw this PR nightmare at the Cardinals organization in return)
The biggest questions in my mind is whether or not McGwire is necessarily needed and is going to be a good hitting coach.
All morning long, ESPN flashed up the numbers for the St. Louis offense, stating that it sucked because their .263 team BA ranked 13th in the majors this past year. I immediately knew I had to tear the relevancy of that statistic apart when I saw it.
To begin with, the Mets had the fifth-best BA (.270) and the Orioles had the seventh-best (.268), so having a good team BA does not necessarily lead to a successful offense/team. The Phillies, on the other hand, were eighth-worst with a team BA of .258. So maybe they should fire Milt Thompson, based on ESPN's logic, since all he has done this season is turned that entire lineup into a group of better overall hitters.
Instead, they should have been looking at other numbers like OPS, which the Cardinals ranked 15th in. They also ranked 18th in runs scored. So yes, those numbers were a little down. But they were also on the bottom half of BABIP this year at .299, which is neither lucky or unlucky, but it was less lucky than more than half the teams in the majors.
But with the lineup that was in place all year (especially pre-Holliday and DeRosa), that's really not a surprise. Did Tony really expect a team that had no proven hitters other than Pujols at the beginning of the year to really be in the top half of all the batting statistics? Christ, Ted Williams wouldn't have been able to do anything with the team out of the spring.
And is McGwire really the answer? The guy benefitted from a quick trigger like Bonds, Sheffield, and Pujols always have. Normally, people with natural talent like that can't teach well because their natural gifts are what got them by. Do you think Hendrix would have bothered teaching Joe Strummer how to play a guitar? Fuck no. He would have gotten frustrated and given up because Strummer would have never been able to live up to Hendrix's standards. I think a similar situation could present itself when McGwire has to teach someone like Ryan Ludwick to become a better hitter.
Plus, there is the fact that McGwire kind of cheated to even be known as a great hitter. I wouldn't want to put my faith in a hitting coach who cut corners as a player. How do you think that will translate into coaching players? Will he take the easy route and never truly dedicate himself to molding the players or will he actually train them?
All I know is that I am a little worried about where the Cardinals' batting numbers will be at the end of next year.
On the other hand we have the Phillies, who I hope just smack the shit out of CC and crew. The best player in baseball (Utley) coupled with Ibanez, the flyin' Hawaiian, and Howard will easily out slug the Yanks.
I am looking forward to one former Indian out pitching another in Game 1. Time for Cliff Lee to shine! And yes Zach, Chase Utley does not answer my love notes either, but just maybe I will try to run onto the field and kiss him with joy after winning a second World Series in as many years.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Rumor has it that I will no longer be subjected to Steve Phillips' terrible baseball musings after his recent love affair.
I'm so happy.
Although, I guess that I won't be able to hear shots from his colleagues about how he fucked up the Mets. But that is a small sacrifice to make.
I will especially sacrifice that if I don't have to watch any more of those god awful Steve Phillips Baseball Tonight commercials.
Monday, October 19, 2009
A St. Louis native himself, Gilkey signed with the Cardinals out of college and played his first six years with the club. During that time, he put up a .292 BA/ .354 OBP/ .431 SLG% line while cracking a mere 52 home runs. Apparently, he really enjoyed not hitting the long ball.
Then, after the 1995 season, he was traded to the New York Mets for Ryan Ludwick's brother. In his first full season in Flushing, he put up this line: 30 HR/ 117 RBI/ .317 AVG/ .393 OBP/ .562 SLG% in 153 games. Every number in that previous sentence was a career high. He rode his career year to a very respectable 14th place in the MVP vote.
There was really no explanation for this jump in production from '95 to '96. If you look at this very easy to read chart, you can see that Shea and Old Busch had virtually the same park factor. So the move from St. Louis to New York wasn't like going from PETCO to Coors.
And there is no significant difference between the 1996 Mets line-up versus the 1995 Cardinals that would have resulted in him getting different pitches. Both teams sucked pretty badly.
These factors lead an idiot like me to simply conclude that obviously Bernard Gilkey used steroids in 1996. By 2001, he was out of baseball since his production fell like a lemming off a cliff.
However, in actuality, I really wanted to take this post to commerate two awesome things about Gilkey.
One, he was the outfielder shown during the Shea Stadium scene in Men In Black. (He is donked on the head with a pop fly)
And two, I wanted to run this sweet picture of Gilkey in New York's terrible ice cream unis:
Anyways, welcome to the club, Bernard and your 1996 14th place MVP campaign.
Friday, October 16, 2009
This is when I got to thinking, what did these pitchers look like the last time they were good?
Especially in the starting pitching staff, which is this post's topic.
Last year, the Nationals had the worst ERA (5.02) in the National League, a whole 0.18 behind the Brewers. That is quite a big gap between last and second to last. In the entire Major Leagues, they were only better than the lowly Orioles and Indians. And with the Dodgers coming in at a MLB-best 3.41 this season, there is clearly a lot of ground to be made up here.
Now, I know that the starters were not fully responsible for this number. But, they were a bulk of the contribution. And it comes as no surprise that they sucked considering that the Nationals had 13 different starters throughout the season.
And most of them put up a very high level of suckage.
There were old farts starting like Livan Hernandez. Middle relievers giving it a go like Garret Mock. And simply shitty pitchers like Daniel Cabrera marched out to the rubber.
Unfortunately, all of this resulted in no good for the Nationals. There were no uncovered gems. There were no promising young arms tested out. And finally, the one with the best future, Jordan Zimmermann, was lost for the 2010 season with fuckin' Tommy John. So going into 2010, the team really has to start from square one all over again in constructing a staff.
So let's start building.
Going into the 2010 season, the staff looks like this:
1. Stephen Strasburg
2. John Lannan
Spot Starter - I will give this to Garrett Mock only because he's chubby.
God, I would love to put Zimmermann in that number two spot. That option may prove to be the best young one-two punch in the majors. But, sadly, I cannot.
But you can see all of the question marks there. And filling them will be a bitch.
For the fifth spot, I think I allow Livan Hernandez to come back. He has expressed interest in coming back with the Nationals for six fucking years. Six years may be a little much. But does two years/$3M get the job done? If so, he can bring himself and his beer gut back to eat innings at the end of my rotation. Yes, I know I wind up with a 5.50ish ERA and 1.60ish WHIP, but I also save my bullpen.
The number four spot is even tougher. The internal options (Collin Balester, Craig Stammen, Shairon Martis, Ross Detwiller, and J.D. Martin) all excite me less than a Viagra-free 95 year old. What a gross collection of young talent. The best option is really to let them all go balls-to-the-wall in the spring and see who can win the spot. I see the production from any of them being about the same crap, so I will have to simply ride the hot hand out of the spring.
Now, for the three spot, I am doing something a little different. I'm going big and signing a free agent to be at the top of my rotation. I have my sights set on John Lackey. Yes, I know I have to overpay for him, but I'm willing. There is no anchor in my rotation right now. I have saved a little money going internal (except for Hernandez) at all of my other spots. Plus, I need fans. And fans will show up for John Lackey more than Collin Balester. At least I hope, right?
So what do I give Lackey, contract-wise? I know I have to overpay. Is a 6 year/$120M contract too much? Not enough? Either way, that's my starting point with him. I would also try to frontload it. That way, if he really doesn't pan out, I can deal him to another team, who will get him for cheaper than I did at the beginning of the contract. Anyways, I hope that contract would work for him because I have my sights set dead red on bringing him to my rotation. With him, I think the team has a decent shot at the Wild Card in 2010 while putting fans in the seats to help cover his contract.
So in the end, this is what I get:
1. John Lackey
2. Stephen Strasburg
3. John Lannan
4. J.D Martin (I slotted him here because he sucked the least last year)
5. Livan Hernandez
Spot - Fat Ass Garrett Mock
Then, I count on Jordan Zimmermann coming back in 2011. That will be a nice top three when he joins Strasburg and Lackey.
I like it. What about you?
Since I know that so many of you read this website, I just wanted to let you know that I understand the feeling of having a promising young lefty throw a multitude of wild pitches. There are fans are who have been in your shoes.
All I'm saying is that Matt Kemp better beware of his job in a few years.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I'm still fuming about this weekend. I can't even control my thoughts about baseball. We should have taken that series, and dumb flaws cost us the first two games. Taking two losses the way we did in LA, especially game two, getting our spirits back up was nearly impossible. But there's always next year. Now I sound like a fucking Cubs fan. Shit.
Anyways, RYAN FRANKLIN, you jag bag, thanks for being the worst closer since Izzy. In dedication of your steroids suspension in 2005 and ability to close the most important games, I induct you into the OSUC.
Back to sulking in the corner now.
Now come the offseason questions for the Cards. Will they retain Matt Holliday? Will LaRussa be back? How many months into the offseason will it take for it to come out that Pujols did steroids? Right now I really don't care about the Cardinals actually.
I just want to remind you all of my playoff predictions, which are flawless and will be dead on. If I am wrong at all, it will be the Dodgers making it to the World Series instead of the Phils.
NLDS:Dodgers over Cardinals
Phillies over Rockies
ALDS:Angels over Red Sox
Yankees over Twins
NLCS:Phillies over Dodgers
ALCS:Angels over Yankees
World Series: Angels over Phillies
MVP: Chone Figgins----Which will up his FA price even more. Dark horse: Scott Kazmir
In other news, this is how I spent 15 minutes of my day at work today:
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Unfortunately, I stumbled upon a Diamond Demo in which Mitch Williams and Dan Plesac were demonstrating the correct way of holding runners on. They put a strong emphasis on the fact that they were giving the analysis from a lefty pitchers point of view and a righty pitchers point of view. I'm not understating this emphasis. Basically, every other word out of both of their mouths was as a lefty I or as a righty I and this was the downfall of the segment. There is one problem. Mitch Williams, lefty closer was doing the analysis for a lefty pitcher. Dan Plesac was doing the analysis for the righty pitcher, but wait Dan Plesac throws with his LEFT hand. Strike one!
When going into their analysis Mitch Williams starts first, saying that as a lefty he held guys on by mixing his timing to the plate. Alright, that is solid analysis (except for the fact that for the next 5 minutes he restated one thought 6 different ways). Exactly what any pitcher should do, but all pitchers should mix up their timing, not just left handers. This is giving youngsters watching the wrong impression. Righties should also mix up their timing to the plate. On a side note, Mitch Williams was a closer. When did he ever care about holding runners on???? If he really had that many runners on, so that he had to mix his timing to the plate up, he was not doing a very good job closing down ball games. We will count those as Strike Two!
As a righty, Dan Plesac (remember he is not a righty) liked to hold his runners by getting ahead in the count. Then he faulted Red Sox pitchers for not getting ahead in the count. He even pointed to a segment of the game in which 2 different Angels runners stole second. The first runner stole on the first pitch though, so really what does getting ahead in the count matter? And, after both successful steals of second, the camera points to the catcher, Victor Martinez!!! Things Victor is good at: hitting. Things Victor has had constant troubles with in the past: throwing runners out.
By saying the Red Sox pitchers are at fault for the steals because they aren't getting ahead of hitters is asinine. And, what does all this have to do with being right handed? Shouldn't a pitcher, no matter their race, creed, or pitching hand try to get ahead of hitters?
What a pitcher needs to focus on when working on holding runners on is fairly simple. First for righties, having a concise move and eliminating all extra movement when throwing to first is essential. Also, avoiding taking too much time on your step back is huge, because typically that is what base stealers are keying on (even though Rickey says that he keyed on the back elbow. I don't know how that could possibly be better than the knee or heel, but he's Rickey Henderson). For a lefty, replicating your normal stride to the plate will always be tricky for base runners. Lefties also need to take full advantage of the 45 degree rule, in which it is only a balk if the pitcher exceeds a 45 degree angle from the mound.
For both types of pitchers, mixing the timing of your moves and practicing throwing accuracy over to first is something pitchers should not take lightly in practice. All of these things will help a pitcher hold runners on more effectivley. Unfortunately, the Diamond Demo guys only gave us one of those things, and they never gave any information that was strictly for righties or lefties (probably because both were lefties), even though they insisted they did.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Is it acceptable to say that the rally towels (white) played a roll in Matt Holliday missing that fly ball last night?
Honestly, I believe it did play a part in him missing the ball. MLB needs to set some sort of rule for this. In no way is it fair for a game to be decided by a fly ball missed because of alleged white towels blending in the ball background.
Holliday says he lost the ball in the lights, which makes everything I just said have no relevance. Wainwright, the starting pitcher from last night, argues that they towels did make all the difference. Here was his opinion:
"It doesn't really seem fair that an opposing team should be able to allow their fans to shake white towels when there's a white baseball flying through the air. How about Dodger Blue towels?"
Either way MLB needs to take a closer look at this in the offseason, and they will. The most interesting part of this story is yet to come, though. I'm excited to see how the Cardinal fans will retaliate with their own towels. Either way the Cardinals are done! Here is my prediction for the rest of the playoffs:
Dodgers over Cardinals
Phillies over Rockies
Angels over Red Sox
Yankees over Twins
Phillies over Dodgers
Angels over Yankees
Angels over Phillies
MVP: Chone Figgins----Which will up his FA price even more
Who gives a shit about Rally Towels anyways? Rally Monkey anyone?!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
And then this happened...
Yes, that is right. Chris Berman is the play-by-play guy for the Phillies-Rockies series. I attempted to listen, as the game was close in the final innings. To no avail. Berman's excessive talking had me at the brink of cutting my own head off. I finally turned the station, and was warmly greeted by familiar voices.
Those voices were Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein in their weekly segment Who You Crappin. Those of you who do not know of Who You Crappin have not yet lived. I was opened up to Who You Crappin by Dick when I was 11 driving to football practice. This can unequivically be pointed to as the turning point in my sports watching life. I will never be the same because of you Boers and Berstein.
Thank you so much for putting up the most amazing season I have ever witnessed from one of my fantasy pitchers. You see, normally, I pick lots of loser closers like Jason Isringhausen and Eric Gagne to fill out my pitching staff. This year, everyone prevented my closer draft strategy.
So, instead, I fell in love with you before the draft, Zack. I knew you were going to have a great year. And luckily, I only had to pay $17 for you. I simply had no idea you were going to put up a 16 wins and 242 Ks with a 2.16 ERA and 1.07 WHIP. Way to out do my even lofty expectations.
Thank you. I will always think of you when I look at my AL bobblehead that will arrive to my desk in 3-4 weeks.
This is my ode to you since there is no way I will be able to afford you come next spring. However, I want to let you know that my man crush for you will not end.
I will play this song in your honor:
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Zach: If Granderson... or Griffey rob a homerun here, Bill Heywood will turn in his grave.
Cooly: Won't work yet. Its not the 13th inning
Zach: Are you watching this?!? Did you see that play (Rayburn drops pop up)? It was the anti-Griffey.
Cooly: You just jinxed him, dick.
Zach: (Leyland gets up, and sits back down, confused at Rodney) How many times has Leyland almost pulled Rodney? 18????
Zach: Mags is so pissed Rayburn didn't use the patented "Mags Slide" to catch that.
Zach: Fuck Nick Punto! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Zach: Worst call in the history of baseball! (Chip Caray completely butchers a great play at the plate) Caray is the anti-Vin Scully
Mr. Anonymous: This is badass. Who is live blogging this?
Zach: O, fuck we probably should.
Mr. Anonymous: Young=Mickey Scales. Chip Caray is so far from Wally Holland (the Twins actual announcer)
Cooly: Get to your fucking desktop and you wouldn't have to keep texting.
(Yes, that is right. I am running back and forth to text, watch and write. I am the Anthony Michael Hall of baseball dorks.)
Mr. Anonymous: If Verlander comes in right here, it would be like Randy
Zach: You think Leyland tells Verlander, "Hey pussy, take a drag of this cig, put in some dip, and go fucking pitch. Who gives a shit if your arm falls off"
Zach: (Chip says more stupid shit such as:) In case you wondered what the longest tie breaker game of the regular season is.... Kill me. I hate Chip Carey.
Cooly: Big Homo
Mr. Anonymous: HAHA
Girlfriend: What did you make us for dinner? (The answer: Chicken Chow Mein)
Zach: Could Inge have any worse tats?
Mr. Anonymous: He's like Birdman
Cooly: I'm going to get the same ones on my arms.
Mr. Anonymous: Rodney for 3 innings? Why?
(Game winning Twins hit)
(Lots of celebrating)
(Justin Morneau and Carlos Gomez hug)
Zach: Most hood+Most Canadian=Best hug ever
Cooly: I bet Dave loved that
Mr. Anonymous: Gardenhire tried to wave his hat like Young Bill Heywood
(Orlando Cabrera says this is the greatest victory he has ever had)
Zach: Wasn't OC on the Red Sox first World Series team?
Mr. Anonymous: Ya... that's what I thought. Weird.
Cooly: Yea, I just think he was trying to get away from Craig Sager.
Zach: Victory laps: the whitest thing you can do or the most hood?
Mr. Anonymous: Whitest.
Cooly: Whitest. Have you seen the Minnesota crowd? It looks like the Aryan Nation.
Dick (my dad) calls to say: What the fuck? Did you see that Twins sign that said "Don't Stop Believing"? Could they copy more off the White Sox?
Twins are an easy choice in playoff
That's a bad title. Rob will explain to us why that is such a bad title in his next "supportive" paragraphs.
I know it's baseball and all, but can you remember a big game easier to pick than this one?
O, I don't know...
How about anytime the Royals, Pirates, and Nationals have played this decade? Those were all pretty easy to pick. Or how about when one good team plays a bad team. Those would seemingly be easier to pick than when two fairly good teams play each other.
The Twins are pitching their ace, Scott Baker. He might not seem that impressive to you
...but he sure knows how to give a great mustache ride. What's that you say, young chap? Scotty doesn't have a mustache? Then what were we doing doing last night?
but he's flat-solid and he's right-handed
Other right handers that might be flat solid:
Freddy Garcia, Jeff Suppan, Tim Wakefield, Josh Fogg... Since being flat solid means virtually nothing, the only requisite for being on the aforementioned list is to be right handed (I'm only about 70% sure those guys are right handed, I do not stat check!)
most of the Tigers' good hitters are right-handed.
Except for the ones that bat lefty, or switch hit. (It took me 7 seconds to find that information)
The Tigers are pitching their No. 2 starter, rookie Rick Porcello. He enjoyed a fine season and would seem to have a lovely career ahead of him.
He's actually had a damn good season: 165 IP, 4.04 ERA, 81 K, 1.62 K/BB, 4.81 FIP
Scott Baker: 194 IP, 4.36 ERA, 160 K, 3.48 K/BB (kind of surprising), 4.03 FIP
So Baker is a little better. This is no huge advantage for the Twins though. Baker's GB/FB ratio is far worse than Porcello's, .74 to 1.91. I wouldn't me erecting a Scott Baker statue too quickly.
But he's only 20, he's never been in a situation remotely like this,
And Baker is 28 and has 3+ big league seasons.
"Hey Rob, how many postseason games has Baker thrown? O, wait... Zero! The same amount Porcello has thrown"
Hold on a second, those aren't good points at all. Wait for what is coming up...
and (most germanely)
Sorry, that is not the point, that is just bad writing.
he seems to be tiring a bit down the stretch, having struck out only 10 hitters in his last 33 innings. The Twins rely on hits, especially singles, and Porcello gives up a lot of singles.
What?!?!!? Hold on... What?!?!?!
Porcello gives up more singles than home runs, and doubles, and hits that actually drive players in, but since the Twins have magic potion in which they only score on singles, it is bad that Porcello gives up only singles. That logic sucks. You sir, are an idiot.
Twins fans have never needed an excuse to raise the roof of the Metrodome, but this time they've got a sudden-death playoff, and last night's rousing football game fresh in their minds.
Things that help win baseball games: teams coincidentally from the same city winning a game in a completely unrelated sport.
As you've no doubt heard, the Tigers' best player has been struggling a bit lately and there's the baseball part of it, as Cabrera has just five hits and one RBI in his last eight games.
I somehow doubt Cabrera just took up drinking, via the peer pressure from Gerald Laird. Something tells me he has liked the tequila for some time now, and it didn't seem to hurt him then.
I don't believe that we can know how off-the-field stuff will affect on-the-field performance.
Then don't bring it up.
But if you had a choice between a player with recent off-the-field troubles and a player without, which would you choose?
Player A: David Eckstein. Went to church last night. kissed his kids goodnight. Donated blood.
Player B: Miguel Cabrera. Drank way too much tequila. Got the shit beat out of him by his wife. Made fun of a fan guy and threatened to shoot him with his 'click-clack'
Yea, I'm taking Player B too. Every time. Because he is better at baseball.
The Twins have played better baseball this season. They've outscored their opponents by 51 runs. The Tigers have been outscored (by just one run, but still).
OK, that is a decent point. I'll give you one, Neyer!
Of course, the Twins are without Justin Morneau and, well, it's baseball.
Being without your second-ish best player and former MVP: good morale booster, sure to put you over the top in any series.
Baker might get knocked out in the third inning and Porcello might baffle the Twins for seven innings and Cabrera might jack a couple of homers.
Those things wouldn't be good for the title of your article.
I wouldn't bet on any of that, though. I would bet on the Twins.
He would do that with the support of 15 dumb ideas and one good one. Thanks ESPN. Keep paying this jerk.
Monday, October 5, 2009
When I went to do an OSU post a while back, I actually wanted to use Albert Belle after perusing through his career numbers. (That SLG% especially is more weebly-wobbly than Hudson after three drinks) But then I realized that he was already in the Mitchell Report. Obviously, like any good baseball blogger, I do have all the members on that dubious list memorized. I guess Albert slipped my mind for a moment. I was slightly embarrassed.
Although he will not be the first member of the Mitchell Report inducted to the OSUC, it did save me the hassle of having to use his numbers and before & after pics to support my case.
Instead, I will make an argument for Albert Belle being the world's greatest cheater with my patented three strikes theory.
1. The corked bat incident. My personal favorite part of it all was the fact that Jason fucking Grimsley was the one who climbed through the ventilation shafts in order to help out Albert. Those steroids users are a tight bunch.
2. The steroids. Umm... hello.
3. The Orioles contract. It takes quite a sly dog to cheat Peter Angelos out of millions of dollars. The best part is that despite his degenerative hip knocking him out in 2000, Belle continued getting paid until 2003. In the '01-'03 seasons, he earned just over $37M despite not playing in a single professional game.
So this Bud's for you, Albert, and all of your fantastic glory.
PS - Also note that Belle's Wikipedia page rivals Kerry Collins' for the most entertaining wiki I have ever read. All I know is that this is not the last you will hear of Albert Belle on this blog.
PPS - I forgot that the Iron Man's presence in Baltimore forced Big Albert to wear #88. Amazing.
Just off the top of my head, I can think of Heath Bell getting in shape with a Wii Fit, the Cubs vs. the Gatorade machine, Milton Bradley, Manny getting suspended, and Adrian Beltre fielding a grounder with his testicles.
But I'm not sure if anything on earth can quite compare to this:
Of course, I'm referring to Miguel Cabrera's drunken fight with his wife over the past weekend. And look at those bruises he has to show for it. Wowzers, is the guy married to fucking Crush?
I wasn't quite sure how to approach this story for Start Wedman, and then I read the Detroit Free Press coverage of the story (since that Yahoo! one does no justice to the actual story). After reading the Free Press' piece, I knew I had to a line by line break down... Zach/FJM style.
Detroit Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera had a blood-alcohol level more than three times the legal limit when he was involved in a physical altercation with his wife early Saturday morning, according to the Birmingham Police.
Cabrera had been partying with buddies from the Chicago White Sox after Friday night's game at Birmingham's Townsend Hotel, Birmingham Police Chief Richard Patterson said.
Is this really how bad the city of Detroit has gotten? Professional athletes are no longer actually partying in the city? They go to Birmingham, MI to party? I mean this place looks like something my grandmother would think would make a good place of a rager. I thought all athletes went to clubs and shit. Well, maybe Plaxico changed all of that.
But when he got home, his wife wasn't happy he'd been out drinking so late, Patterson said. Rosangel Cabrera called 911 at 6:05 a.m. to report the two were fighting, according to reports.
"He was out late, came home and his spouse didn't appreciate that, I guess and it got into an argument," Patterson said. Police took Cabrera to the police station for questioning, including help from a Michigan State Police interpreter.
You think they got into an argument? Only think? Not sure of it? Do you see the picture above? Good work, Officer Dick. Good work. Also, how cool would it be to have to interpret for a hammered Miguel Cabrera. I bet that person had a fun Saturday night.
According to the police report, Cabrera's wife, whose name is listed as Rosangel, was upset when the ballplayer woke up the couple's 4-year-old daughter and was talking on the phone when he came home. Investigators noticed his wife had an injury to her lower lip; they noted the injury to the left side of Cabrera's face.
I guess no one could confirm the name of Cabrera's wife. Maybe she was just that hard to track down. Also... Miguel Cabrera was drunk dialing people, haha. Another funny situation to imagine. I will also spend the next few hours scouring Texts From Last Night to see if anything from Miggy is on there.
Police found a damaged cell phone, and the gold chain Cabrera wears around his neck was broken, too. But when officers asked the couple what happened, neither would explain how they were injured, according to the report.
I hope that cell phone is what caused that bruise on Cabrera's face. And whenever someone mentions a gold chain, for some reason I imagine something like this. I hope that's exactly what Miggy was wearing.
Cabrera's wife insisted he leave, and he agreed, so officers took him to the police department to be picked up by the Tigers.
After investigators determined both Cabrera and his wife were "aggressors" in the situation, Patterson said, the first baseman was released. Tigers general manager Dave Dombrowski picked Cabrera up at the station between 7:30 and 8 a.m. Saturday, he added.
This is my favorite fucking part of the entire story. THE FUCKING GM PICKED HIM UP FROM THE STATION! HIS FUCKING BOSS! Amazing.
Cabrera registered a .26 blood-alcohol level when tested by police, Commander Mark Clemence said. A person is considered drunk at .08.
A 0.26, Miggy? Solid work on getting liquored up. Maybe a bunch of Patron would explain that extra weight, no?
"We were just making sure we're in the right range to turn him over to an official from the Tigers and he wasn't in any medical danger," Clemence said today, adding that those who test at a .35 blood-alcohol level are taken to a local hospital.
Sending Cabrera to the hospital for alcohol poisoning only would have made this story better. If I worked in that police department, I would have certainly sent him just for fun.
Patterson said the blood-alcohol test was not a factor in the case because the Tigers organization picked him up.
No one was answering the doors at the Cabreras' two-story red brick and cream stone tudor in Birmingham this morning. A black Range Rover and white Cadillac Escalade sat parked in the driveway.
Great coverage on the vehicles parked outside. Someone had to hit a word minimum.
Peter Wilde, managing director of the Townsend Hotel, said there would be no comment from the facility.
“Really, we have what you would consider a long-standing policy not to reveal the identity of our hotel guests or anything that goes on in the hotel,” Wilde said today. “That’s been a policy that’s been in place for years.”
Good idea. It allows for the stripper murder rate to rise since people (mayors) don't have to worry about getting caught.
Tigers spokesman Ron Colangelo said at noon today that neither Cabrera nor the organization would comment on the incident.
"The team is leaving today," he said. "We're just trying to get more information at this point."
I would be looking for information, too, since the police department only is making guesses at this point. Things do not seem clear at all.
Cabrera arrived at Comerica Park on Saturday with visible abrasions on his face. He told FoxSports.com his dog had done it. Cabrera, 26, is married with a daughter.
What kind of dog makes a bruise without a bite mark on someone's face? Unless Miguel Cabrera has raised a dog that boxes! Could he be the next Michael Vick? Let's hope so.
The Tigers lost 5-1 Saturday night to the Chicago White Sox. Cabrera went 0-4.
Great cause and effect correlation. Although, for Cabrera, I would think this is a great opportunity for him. If he fucks up tomorrow or at any other point in the playoffs, he has an easy scapegoat, right?
“No comment,” Cabrera said Sunday morning, when asked about the marks on his face. “I’m looking right now for a win today.”
Have you told your teammates what happened?
Bullshit. You know that someone asked him about that huge fucking bruise. My money is on Marcus Thames being involved in some joke cracking.
Then Cabrera said: “After the game. Right now, I won’t talk before the game. I’ve got to get ready for the game. Please … please. Thank you.”
After the Tigers’ 5-3 victory, Cabrera declined comment again. He went 0-for-3, finishing the White Sox series 0-for-11.
Ah yes, the playoffs are a cookin'.
These 'graphs were added to the story after the original posting this afternoon.
Saturday’s incident is the second situation since August involving police, Cabrera and the Townsend, according to investigators. Birmingham Police officers responded to the Rugby Grille at 6:30 p.m. Aug. 31 after another patron said Cabrera threatened that he had a gun. According to police reports, the Birmingham man and a friend said hello to Cabrera, who responded with, “What’s up, big boy? You need to work out.”
Maybe Miggy goes to the Townsend because he is allowed to carry a gun. I knew there had to be some sort of Plaxico tie here somewhere. Also... note the irony in Cabrera telling someone that he needs to work out.
When the Birmingham man asked Cabrera to not say that and leave him alone, Cabrera started to “rant and rave,” saying “Let’s go, right now,” “I’ll fight you both,” and “Let’s go outside, I have a Land Rover and I’ll get my ‘click clack,’” motioning the racking of a handgun, according to investigators.
Two waiters then asked Cabrera to leave. Police were unable to locate his address or contact information after the incident, according to the report.
So much for their tips. No one kicks out Miggy. Fucking no one.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
You may be asking: "What is this prophecy? Is it the fact that you blessed us with a never ending supply of humor?" It's true, we did that. What is truly amazing is that we started a website named based off a marginally popular child's movie. Now there are many reasons we chose this as our site name, the main one being: its hard as fuck to choose a website name, so we just went with it. Little did we know the Twins would have a year eerily reminiscent of the mythological year Bill Heywood took the Twins to a play in game of the playoffs.
Coming into the season, the Twins owner mysteriously dies. OK, hardly mysteriously, he was something like 207 years old. I like to think that ownership was passed down to Pohland's grandson. The same grandson that knew that Jackie Robinson was not the first African American to play major league baseball, but it really was Fleet Walker for Toledo and the year was 1884.
The Twins came into this year with less than admirable expectations. Their pitching staff sucked. Their hitters consisted of two great hitters and a bunch of Nick Punto's. (You can not tell me that Lou Collins and Justin Morneau do not look alike, and Nick Blackburn and Bowers, the attitudes of Carl Pavano and Mike McGrevey it is shocking). Their pitching staff was weak, with a Blackout closer in Joe Nathan (anyone catch that?). Much like Bill Heywood's team, they started off a little slow.
Then, I like to think the entire team bonded over a simple joke and a tough Math problem. I also like to think Nick Blackburn and Carl Pavano got into a little tiff about hijinx with water balloons. And I know that Ron Gardenhire has more than a little problem with "Night Nurses from Jersey". All of the sudden the 2009 Twins were contending. Catchy music was inspiring double plays!
Now for the most exciting part. Will the Twins make it to the play-in game? The Twins need a little bit of luck, but so did the Bill Heywood lead Twins. Dave Magadan, I like you, but die like a dog!
So what do I predict for the 2009 Twins in the playoff game: right before Justin Morneau steps to the plate after surprisingly coming back from injury, Ron Gardenhire gives him premission to wed Ron's mother. With that little bit of extra gusto, Justing proceeds to hit a deep fly ball strait to right field. For some reason, the right fielder will be nowhere in the picture. And then... wait for it...
There's Curtis Granderson! Robbing Morneau's home run! Killing the hopes of the Twins.
As we all know, Gardenhire clearly should have started Wedman! (Check out the second to last quote)
Friday, October 2, 2009
After knowing what I would do with Strasburg, the next thing to tweek is the lineup for the Nationals next year. Although, when you look at the team right now, there are not that many steps to take in order to make it a competitive lineup.
Because honestly, since Nyjer Morgan came over to be a legitimate leadoff man, the Nationals have suprisingly had some success in scoring runs. However that doesn't mean there isn't anything the Nationals should do this offseason. Here are the moves I'm making if I'm the GM.
1. Declining Austin Kearns' option for 2010. According to Cot's Contracts, Washington holds a $10M option on Kearns for next year with a $1M buyout. I think this may be one of the most obvious moves to make in baseball front office history.
2. Trading Christian Guzman. Yes, he has been the best player on the team for the past few years, but he is simply not a shortstop anymore. The Nationals recently asked him to move to second for next year, and Guzman seemed surprised. He doesn't seem willing to move, but he really has to because he's blocking Ian Desmond at this point. His $8M salary for next year is not terrible, and I think there should be a buyer. I think the Red Sox are probably the best fit, but I would also call the Cubs, Tigers, Royals, Twins, Astros, Reds, and Orioles to judge their interests. And honestly, I don't look for anything in return. All I would want is the $8M to spend on someone else. So as long as I find a time willing to take all of Guzman's salary, which I think would happen, I deal him.
So with those two quick moves, I'm left with this line-up:
C - Jesus Flores (if healthy)
1B - Adam Dunn
2B - ?
3B - Ryan Zimmerman
SS - Ian Desmond
LF - Josh Willingham
CF - Nyjer Morgan
RF - Elijah Dukes
OF - Justin Maxwell
UTIL - Willie Harris
C -Will Nieves
To fill in the gap at second base, I'm spending the $8M I have leftover from dealing Guzman to sign Orlando Hudson. After watching his year out in LA (while weeping over my shitty fantasy trade), I think Hudson has proven himself to be a formidable, if not elite, second baseman in this league. I like him better than Guzman because he won't be whining about playing second base all season long.
I'm not too hot about starting Dukes in right. I do like Maxwell a lot, so I think I use a page out of La Russa's managing book and do a rotation in the outfield to make sure that everyone stays fresh and gets playing time. The four outfielder rotation worked well for the Cards this year, and I think it allows my team to ride hot streaks.
Flores at catcher also worries me. Will he actually be healthy in time for the start of the season? If so, I let him start. If not, I'm putting in some low bids on Bengie Molina and Pudge to see if either wants to join my march to glory in D.C. Regardless, I would sign an old ass veteran backup to stash in AAAA because I love backup catchers. I hand a minor league deal to Jason LaRue, Henry Blanco, or, of course, Sal Fasno to see if I can get any sweet old catchers. The signing of either LaRue or Fasano would lead to some sweet Fu Man Chu shirt sales.
I also bring in Fernando Tatis for his versatility in the outfield and infield. I figure he would sign for one year at $1M or so.
So that leaves me with this as my lineup:
C - Jesus Flores, if healthy, otherwise Molina/Pudge
1B - Adam Dunn
2B - Orlando Hudson
3B - Ryan Zimmerman
SS - Ian Desmond
LF - Josh Willingham
CF - Nyjer Morgan
RF - Elijah Dukes (75% of the time)
OF - Justin Maxwell (25% of the time in right)
UTIL - Willie Harris
UTIL - Fernando Tatis
C - Wil Nieves
Another minor leaguer
AAAA - Catcher with sweet facial hair
I know the defense is a little suspect, but if Ryan Howard can develop defensively, I hope I can do the same with some of these players.
What do you think?
And really... should we be surprised by this?
Doesn't his history kind of proceed him? Mijares is lucky that there isn't a big "LOUISVILLE SLUGGER" imprinted on his forehead right now.
Even though Mijares really isn't to blame, Delmon would get angry with his own teammate because teammates only get in the way of Delmon's playing time. The more of them he intimidates, the closer he is to a starting job and clean-up spot, right?
Also, how is that Brendan Harris/Delmon Young for Matt Garza/Jason Bartlett swap working out for you right now, Minnesota?