Tuesday, October 6, 2009

5 Bad Reasons to Bet on the Twins

Just when you thought journalism was dead, Rob Neyer confirmed your assumptions.

Twins are an easy choice in playoff

That's a bad title. Rob will explain to us why that is such a bad title in his next "supportive" paragraphs.

I know it's baseball and all, but can you remember a big game easier to pick than this one?

O, I don't know...

How about anytime the Royals, Pirates, and Nationals have played this decade? Those were all pretty easy to pick. Or how about when one good team plays a bad team. Those would seemingly be easier to pick than when two fairly good teams play each other.

The Twins are pitching their ace, Scott Baker. He might not seem that impressive to you

...but he sure knows how to give a great mustache ride. What's that you say, young chap? Scotty doesn't have a mustache? Then what were we doing doing last night?

but he's flat-solid and he's right-handed

Other right handers that might be flat solid:

Freddy Garcia, Jeff Suppan, Tim Wakefield, Josh Fogg... Since being flat solid means virtually nothing, the only requisite for being on the aforementioned list is to be right handed (I'm only about 70% sure those guys are right handed, I do not stat check!)

most of the Tigers' good hitters are right-handed.

Except for the ones that bat lefty, or switch hit. (It took me 7 seconds to find that information)

The Tigers are pitching their No. 2 starter, rookie Rick Porcello. He enjoyed a fine season and would seem to have a lovely career ahead of him.

He's actually had a damn good season: 165 IP, 4.04 ERA, 81 K, 1.62 K/BB, 4.81 FIP

Scott Baker: 194 IP, 4.36 ERA, 160 K, 3.48 K/BB (kind of surprising), 4.03 FIP

So Baker is a little better. This is no huge advantage for the Twins though. Baker's GB/FB ratio is far worse than Porcello's, .74 to 1.91. I wouldn't me erecting a Scott Baker statue too quickly.

But he's only 20, he's never been in a situation remotely like this,

And Baker is 28 and has 3+ big league seasons.

"Hey Rob, how many postseason games has Baker thrown? O, wait... Zero! The same amount Porcello has thrown"

Hold on a second, those aren't good points at all. Wait for what is coming up...

and (most germanely)

Sorry, that is not the point, that is just bad writing.

he seems to be tiring a bit down the stretch, having struck out only 10 hitters in his last 33 innings. The Twins rely on hits, especially singles, and Porcello gives up a lot of singles.

What?!?!!? Hold on... What?!?!?!

Porcello gives up more singles than home runs, and doubles, and hits that actually drive players in, but since the Twins have magic potion in which they only score on singles, it is bad that Porcello gives up only singles. That logic sucks. You sir, are an idiot.

Twins fans have never needed an excuse to raise the roof of the Metrodome, but this time they've got a sudden-death playoff, and last night's rousing football game fresh in their minds.

Things that help win baseball games: teams coincidentally from the same city winning a game in a completely unrelated sport.

As you've no doubt heard, the Tigers' best player has been struggling a bit lately and there's the baseball part of it, as Cabrera has just five hits and one RBI in his last eight games.

I somehow doubt Cabrera just took up drinking, via the peer pressure from Gerald Laird. Something tells me he has liked the tequila for some time now, and it didn't seem to hurt him then.

I don't believe that we can know how off-the-field stuff will affect on-the-field performance.

Then don't bring it up.

But if you had a choice between a player with recent off-the-field troubles and a player without, which would you choose?

Player A: David Eckstein. Went to church last night. kissed his kids goodnight. Donated blood.
Player B: Miguel Cabrera. Drank way too much tequila. Got the shit beat out of him by his wife. Made fun of a fan guy and threatened to shoot him with his 'click-clack'

Yea, I'm taking Player B too. Every time. Because he is better at baseball.

The Twins have played better baseball this season. They've outscored their opponents by 51 runs. The Tigers have been outscored (by just one run, but still).

OK, that is a decent point. I'll give you one, Neyer!

Of course, the Twins are without Justin Morneau and, well, it's baseball.

Being without your second-ish best player and former MVP: good morale booster, sure to put you over the top in any series.

Baker might get knocked out in the third inning and Porcello might baffle the Twins for seven innings and Cabrera might jack a couple of homers.

Those things wouldn't be good for the title of your article.

I wouldn't bet on any of that, though. I would bet on the Twins.

He would do that with the support of 15 dumb ideas and one good one. Thanks ESPN. Keep paying this jerk.


  1. Look, I can do a shitty rip off of Fire Joe Morgan too!

    "How about anytime the Royals, Pirates, and Nationals have played this decade? Those were all pretty easy to pick."

    "Anytime" is a 1997 Brian McKnight record. "Any time" would be the phrase you're looking for. And judging by the conjunction "and" in your first sentence's series, it infers that those three teams played each other in one single game. In that case, I'd have a really hard time picking a game played by three separate teams.

    "Or how about when one good team plays a bad team."

    True statement. Oh, no, wait, huh? That was meant to be a question? I guess I was confused by the period at the end of that sentence. Also, when Neyer posed the question about picking a game, he questioned picking a "good" game. Are "good" games normally played between one good team and a bad team? That's a question. Notice the question mark. The answer is no.

    Thanks www.startwedman.com. Keep paying this jerk.