Monday, October 5, 2009

Detroit, Rock Bottom City

This has been quite the season for weird things, has it not? I know that baseball is traditionally known for its odd injuries and the strange antics of its players. That's what happens when you get so many superstitious people together. It's like a Republican National Convention... crazy things just happen.

Just off the top of my head, I can think of Heath Bell getting in shape with a Wii Fit, the Cubs vs. the Gatorade machine, Milton Bradley, Manny getting suspended, and Adrian Beltre fielding a grounder with his testicles.

But I'm not sure if anything on earth can quite compare to this:

Of course, I'm referring to Miguel Cabrera's drunken fight with his wife over the past weekend. And look at those bruises he has to show for it. Wowzers, is the guy married to fucking Crush?

I wasn't quite sure how to approach this story for Start Wedman, and then I read the Detroit Free Press coverage of the story (since that Yahoo! one does no justice to the actual story). After reading the Free Press' piece, I knew I had to a line by line break down... Zach/FJM style.

Detroit Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera had a blood-alcohol level more than three times the legal limit when he was involved in a physical altercation with his wife early Saturday morning, according to the Birmingham Police.

Cabrera had been partying with buddies from the Chicago White Sox after Friday night's game at Birmingham's Townsend Hotel, Birmingham Police Chief Richard Patterson said.

Is this really how bad the city of Detroit has gotten? Professional athletes are no longer actually partying in the city? They go to Birmingham, MI to party? I mean this place looks like something my grandmother would think would make a good place of a rager. I thought all athletes went to clubs and shit. Well, maybe Plaxico changed all of that.

But when he got home, his wife wasn't happy he'd been out drinking so late, Patterson said. Rosangel Cabrera called 911 at 6:05 a.m. to report the two were fighting, according to reports.

"He was out late, came home and his spouse didn't appreciate that, I guess and it got into an argument," Patterson said. Police took Cabrera to the police station for questioning, including help from a Michigan State Police interpreter.

You think they got into an argument? Only think? Not sure of it? Do you see the picture above? Good work, Officer Dick. Good work. Also, how cool would it be to have to interpret for a hammered Miguel Cabrera. I bet that person had a fun Saturday night.

According to the police report, Cabrera's wife, whose name is listed as Rosangel, was upset when the ballplayer woke up the couple's 4-year-old daughter and was talking on the phone when he came home. Investigators noticed his wife had an injury to her lower lip; they noted the injury to the left side of Cabrera's face.

I guess no one could confirm the name of Cabrera's wife. Maybe she was just that hard to track down. Also... Miguel Cabrera was drunk dialing people, haha. Another funny situation to imagine. I will also spend the next few hours scouring Texts From Last Night to see if anything from Miggy is on there.

Police found a damaged cell phone, and the gold chain Cabrera wears around his neck was broken, too. But when officers asked the couple what happened, neither would explain how they were injured, according to the report.

I hope that cell phone is what caused that bruise on Cabrera's face. And whenever someone mentions a gold chain, for some reason I imagine something like this. I hope that's exactly what Miggy was wearing.

Cabrera's wife insisted he leave, and he agreed, so officers took him to the police department to be picked up by the Tigers.

After investigators determined both Cabrera and his wife were "aggressors" in the situation, Patterson said, the first baseman was released. Tigers general manager Dave Dombrowski picked Cabrera up at the station between 7:30 and 8 a.m. Saturday, he added.

This is my favorite fucking part of the entire story. THE FUCKING GM PICKED HIM UP FROM THE STATION! HIS FUCKING BOSS! Amazing.

Cabrera registered a .26 blood-alcohol level when tested by police, Commander Mark Clemence said. A person is considered drunk at .08.

A 0.26, Miggy? Solid work on getting liquored up. Maybe a bunch of Patron would explain that extra weight, no?

"We were just making sure we're in the right range to turn him over to an official from the Tigers and he wasn't in any medical danger," Clemence said today, adding that those who test at a .35 blood-alcohol level are taken to a local hospital.

Sending Cabrera to the hospital for alcohol poisoning only would have made this story better. If I worked in that police department, I would have certainly sent him just for fun.

Patterson said the blood-alcohol test was not a factor in the case because the Tigers organization picked him up.

No one was answering the doors at the Cabreras' two-story red brick and cream stone tudor in Birmingham this morning. A black Range Rover and white Cadillac Escalade sat parked in the driveway.

Great coverage on the vehicles parked outside. Someone had to hit a word minimum.

Peter Wilde, managing director of the Townsend Hotel, said there would be no comment from the facility.

“Really, we have what you would consider a long-standing policy not to reveal the identity of our hotel guests or anything that goes on in the hotel,” Wilde said today. “That’s been a policy that’s been in place for years.”

Good idea. It allows for the stripper murder rate to rise since people (mayors) don't have to worry about getting caught.

Tigers spokesman Ron Colangelo said at noon today that neither Cabrera nor the organization would comment on the incident.

"The team is leaving today," he said. "We're just trying to get more information at this point."

I would be looking for information, too, since the police department only is making guesses at this point. Things do not seem clear at all.

Cabrera arrived at Comerica Park on Saturday with visible abrasions on his face. He told his dog had done it. Cabrera, 26, is married with a daughter.

What kind of dog makes a bruise without a bite mark on someone's face? Unless Miguel Cabrera has raised a dog that boxes! Could he be the next Michael Vick? Let's hope so.

The Tigers lost 5-1 Saturday night to the Chicago White Sox. Cabrera went 0-4.

Great cause and effect correlation. Although, for Cabrera, I would think this is a great opportunity for him. If he fucks up tomorrow or at any other point in the playoffs, he has an easy scapegoat, right?

“No comment,” Cabrera said Sunday morning, when asked about the marks on his face. “I’m looking right now for a win today.”

Have you told your teammates what happened?


Bullshit. You know that someone asked him about that huge fucking bruise. My money is on Marcus Thames being involved in some joke cracking.

Then Cabrera said: “After the game. Right now, I won’t talk before the game. I’ve got to get ready for the game. Please … please. Thank you.”

After the Tigers’ 5-3 victory, Cabrera declined comment again. He went 0-for-3, finishing the White Sox series 0-for-11.

Ah yes, the playoffs are a cookin'.


These 'graphs were added to the story after the original posting this afternoon.

Saturday’s incident is the second situation since August involving police, Cabrera and the Townsend, according to investigators. Birmingham Police officers responded to the Rugby Grille at 6:30 p.m. Aug. 31 after another patron said Cabrera threatened that he had a gun. According to police reports, the Birmingham man and a friend said hello to Cabrera, who responded with, “What’s up, big boy? You need to work out.”

Maybe Miggy goes to the Townsend because he is allowed to carry a gun. I knew there had to be some sort of Plaxico tie here somewhere. Also... note the irony in Cabrera telling someone that he needs to work out.

When the Birmingham man asked Cabrera to not say that and leave him alone, Cabrera started to “rant and rave,” saying “Let’s go, right now,” “I’ll fight you both,” and “Let’s go outside, I have a Land Rover and I’ll get my ‘click clack,’” motioning the racking of a handgun, according to investigators.

Jesus, this story is simply getting better and better. Let's see... pussy bar attendee who asks Miggy "not to say that" ... check ... a ranting, drunk, cocky professional athlete ... check ... references to hood things like Land Rovers and 'click clack' ... check ... There has to be some coke and a hooker involved somewhere eventually. I give until six tomorrow 'til something of the sort leaks.

Two waiters then asked Cabrera to leave. Police were unable to locate his address or contact information after the incident, according to the report.

So much for their tips. No one kicks out Miggy. Fucking no one.


  1. This lady's name is Rosangel. Awesome. His BAC was .26 at 7:30 in the morning! Even better. Think about what it was at 3:30.

    Is there any chance that the White Sox member that he was partying with was not Ozzie? I think it was 100% Ozzie.

  2. Seriously, they could not locate his address or contact information? Try Comerica Park during any Detroit Tigers home game. Guess it doesn't take much to be a cop there.

    Also, if two cars were in the driveway, who wants to bet that the Migster was rollin' in one home from the bar. IF you can get your GM to pick you up from jail, you probably could get him to drive you home from the hotel.