Wednesday, October 28, 2009

World Series Preview: Yankees

And here we go with the Yankees Preview...

True Yankees, those gods among men, earn pinstripes in October

Puke puke puke... puke.. puke puke puke.

October is a great many things. It is the month when the leaves change color, when pucks are rifled and jump-shots floated,

Well, I suppose that is a bad start, but it really can't get worse than that title.

when young women respond to Halloween's sartorial challenges by costuming themselves as sexy nuns, sexy Snoopys and sexy thoracic surgeons.

For some reason, I get a kick out of this line. Maybe its because of its deliberate attempt at copying Bill Plaschke, maybe its because its so stupid its funny. Either way, if this article wasn't about something so stupid I would laugh at that line.

But mostly October is the month where True Yankees™

Puke (TM)... I don't know how to do a superscript in this blog editor.

are enshrined in our hearts and ennobled in our civic organizations.

There are great writers to copy your style after (some of us choose FJM writers). I don't know who this schmuck has as a mentor, but find a new one.

Only in October can players earn vaunted True Yankee™ status, and only then by performing great tasks of baseball might in Games That Matter.

Is this guy being sarcastic? This is far too much ass kissing to not be sarcastic.

What is a True Yankee™, you ask? It is love. It is devotion. It is a $17,250 per diem. But it's so much more. To be a True Yankee™ is to embody the traits that define our leaders, clergymen and romantic-comedy heroines. It is to swim with the dolphins and to soar with the angels (the sweetly singing ones with pointy wings, not the ones who bobbled and base-ran their way out of the American League Championship Series). It is, quite simply, to live.

What is this buffoon talking about??? This is the single worst written piece I have read since starting this blog. What the fuck is going through this guys head... Let's just say random things and call them True Yankee things. That is a great idea. People will love me. Everyone loves the Yankees... right?

So as we patiently await the arrival of a slap-hitting Jehovah on par with Scott Brosius or Brian Doyle, it's time to revisit our exclusive True Yankee™ rankings

Really? This lineup is full of people that absolutely mash the ball, and this asshole wants Scott Brosius!!!!!!

As in years past, our methodology takes into account heart, hustle, determination, intensity, sangfroid, unshakabilitude, wanting-it-more-iness and batting average with runners in scoring position.

As in years past, our methodology is subjective, demeaning, caters to white people, and would rank David Eckstein #1 in our hearts, souls, and prayers.

15. Babe Ruth (previous rank: 13):

Did Babe Ruth do any of the aforementioned things once in his life??? Didn't he just hit massive homeruns, and waddle around the bases. Not exactly hustling. I'm not even going to post the filth that comes out of this chumps mouth with the exception of this part...

Had The Babe paid more attention to his lumpy-oatmeal abs, maybe he'd have been the unquestioned best player in the history of the game, rather than merely one of the four legit candidates for the top slot.

This is the dumbest person to ever write about baseball. Hands down, no questions.

14. Jorge Posada (previous rank: 6): Tumbled down the chart with an execrable Game 6 against the Angels, during which he tapped into two double plays and left 10 runners on base. True Yankee™ managerial apprentice Joe Girardi never committed such a grand-scale atrocity during his playing days, because he rarely made contact with pitched balls.

Is this sarcastic? I really can't tell.

13. Paul O'Neill (previous rank: 8): Nobody in True Yankee™ history slammed a helmet after a subpar at-bat with O'Neill's toughness and determination.

Definitely sarcasm.

12. CC Sabathia (previous rank: N/A): The Truest Yankee™ of the AL Championship Series earned his button with three dominant postseason starts, which erased his five previous ghastly ones from the record books. He gets the nod over True Yankee™ rotation mainstays of the past -– Whitey Ford, Vic Raschi, Ron Guidry et Al -– owing to a lack of institutional memory among newbie fans clad in replica Joba Chamberlain jerseys.

Not very sarcastic... I'm so confused.

One thing I'm not confused on, this writer sucks.

7. Alex Rodriguez (previous rank: tied for 27,441st with Joe Cowley and Alvaro Espinoza): Finally, somebody sat poor, sweet Alex down and told him that the 162 games of the regular season don't count toward his True Yankee™ résumé.

"Alex, it doesn't matter you are the only reason this team is respectable. When teams were keying in on our weaknesses in past postseasons, it is your fault you did not single handily win us every game. Do not bring up the fact that Jeter only hits singles and playing poor defense"

6. Bernie Williams (previous rank: 5): Sssh! True Yankees™ need not speak above a Michael Jackson whisper, nor do they need to officially retire, even after three idle seasons. Sadly, fans didn't recognize Bernie as a True Yankee™ until after he was gone. Constant exposure to Johnny Damon's shotput arm helped them along with that.

Ok, not sarcastic at all. But "fans didn't recognize Bernie as a True Yankee until after he was gone." Are you kidding me? Shouldn't Bernie Williams have been our of baseball 2 years before he actually was sent packing? Wasn't that solely because fans wanted to see him in?

4. Thurman Munson (previous rank: 3): How's this for a sign of respect? The Yankees transported his old locker, preserved as it was on the day he died, across the street to the new stadium. He was Caesar in eye-black, Churchill in cleats. So taken were the True Yankees™ of the late-1970s with the Cap'n's leadership and charisma, they actually listened when he said, "Uh, guys, let's not punch each other in the head quite so often."

Babe Ruth 15. Thurman Munson 4.

Enough said.

2. Derek Jeter (previous rank: 3): In the wake of another fine postseason campaign, Jeter needs only to close the deal on the Yankees' 27th world title via a patented feat of Jeterity -- by anchoring an 8-6-4-2-6-5-6-5-6 triple play, or perhaps by spontaneously levitating to catch a Ryan Howard moonshot -- to merit Truest Yankee Ever™ consideration.

I see. Number 1 on this list must have accomplished this feat. Quite impressive. Even more impressive, I have yet to hear about this stunning act.

When he leaves the game, the Yankees won't just retire his uniform number; they'll buy up intellectual-property rights to the No. 2 and remove it from public circulation.

Makes me sad I wore #2.

Sure, schoolchildren won't be able to learn their times tables without breaking the law, but that's a small price to pay for properly honoring a true True Yankee™.

My outrage has succumbed to perplexity.

1. Lou Gehrig (previous rank: 1: He bled Bombers blue. He pooped pinstripes. He died in the service of True Yankee™-dom. Beat that, you punk kids.

Him dying of a horrible disease is why he is the '"Truest Yankee". I don't even know if I have words.

O, wait here they are..

You bumbling jackass. Not only was this the dumbest article ever written, it doesn't even have merits as close to reflective of what a Yankee fan may think. Your complete lack of understanding of the game, how it is played, and what constitutes a "good" player is completely skewed. Having read this article, I now think less of CBSSports. I think lesser of Yankee fans for allowing you to be one of them. I feel worse about my generation as a whole if this is the type of writing that will be gracing sports websites for years to come.

2 comments:

  1. Best part of the article is that he argues that Ruth is a top four player of all time, yet somehow he is only 15th on this list.

    I think the only reason he has a job as a sportswriter is because he knows how to use a superscript.

    Also, good use of Helvetica.

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  2. Who the fuck would be dumb enough to trademark "True Yankee"? I would be ashamed to be related to this man in any way.

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