Monday, October 26, 2009

World Serious Predictions

Here are my World Series Predictions, and if even one of these does not come true, I would be shocked...

1. Stray-Rod (I like that one best of all his nicknames) will hit 7 kajillion home runs, Yankees fans will believe he is the greatest thing since Paul O'Neill and immediately retire his Unlucky Number 13. Upon retiring Stray-Rod's number, the Yankees will subsequently fail to win a World Series for 98 years. Thereby creating the Curse of the Stray Rod, and allowing Yankee Haters to call shitty Yankee Stadium, "The House that Ugly Kate Hudson Built" (as opposed to Hot Kate Hudson)

2. Matty G has an orgasm and passes out each time he sees Chase Utley make a routine play in the infield, step up to the plate, or just any time you see his sweet greaser hair. This will lead to Matty G seeing approximately 4 1/2 minutes of the entire series.

3. Vicente Padilla will come out of the stands just to bean someone from any team.

4. Who's Your Daddy chants will bring Pedro to tears.

5. Steve Phillips will uncontrollably have sex with 6 fat women.

6. Jose Lima will make a relief appearance now that he has been found.

7. Jason Werth will dye his beard red like Scott Spezio, even though he doesn't really have to.

8. 7,000 people will jab pencils in their ears after hearing Joe Buck talk about how great New Yankee Stadium is.

9. Derek Jeter will perform some minutely clutch act like getting a single (what the fuck else is he going to hit) with a man on first in the 9th, with the Yankees up two runs. He will then be heralded as the most clutch performer to ever walk the Earth. Jesus will give him the blue ribbon of valor.

10. For some reason this World Series starts on Thanksgiving this year, and each time Jeter steps to the plate Joe Buck will jokingly say, "And here comes Mr. November". (This may be the only thing that actually occurs on this list.

11. The Yankees will win in 6 games. Mainly, because they are really fucking good.


  1. No one will ever be cooler than Paul O'Neill.

  2. Its true. He was on Seinfeld and hit in two consecutive innings in Little Big League.

  3. 1- Gay Rod
    2- CHASE UTLEY!!!
    3- Padilla Flotilla
    4- Don Zimmer?
    5- Steve Phillips=Lower Standards than my College roommate Danny Schemmel
    6- Jose Lima, no comment
    7- Jason Werth=Handsome
    8- Joe Buck will just talk about the Cardinals being the best team in baseball
    9- Derek Jeter=Crutch?
    10- Why are there so many off days in the playoffs?
    11- Phillies in 6