Monday, November 2, 2009

Obvious Steroids User 11/2/09

While watching this year's World Series, I have often caught myself pondering what horrible indescribable sexual acts Garcia and Zach would perform on Chase Utley.  Although I cannot share that kind of man love for Slick Ace Chase (I'm trademarking that nickname, by the way), I find myself perpetually and secretly find myself cheering him on in my head.

Then last night, in a dream, I realized why I was so big on Chase doing well.  I want him to hit more home runs than JEFF KENT eventually.



I hate Jeff Kent.  I hate that he owns the all-time record for home runs by a second baseman.  I mean, really the guy sucked as a second baseman (during his prime homer-bashing years in San Francisco, he played around -15 runs below average at the position according to Baseball Reference).  I know that in his beady little racist mind, he knew that if he continued playing second base, he had a shot at the Hall of Fame.

I have nothing to back that up.  But I feel like I can see it in his eyes.  And shitty Toby Keith-like mustache.

I'm also not going to give Kent the time to statistically analyze why I think he might have used roids (although if you look at the power numbers in San Francisco, it doesn't take much analysis).  I have been spending too much time recently going back to numbers as an argument.

Instead, I'm simply going to player hate on Jeff Kent.  And here's why:

1. According to Milton Bradley, he's racist.  Okay, not a very credible source, but I'm okay with that.  I'm player hating.
2. He played for that Giants team of the early 00's that I am slowly but surely inducting into this honorable club.
3. He played for the Astros for a while.  Every time he approached the plate versus the Cardinals, I hoped that he would be plunked in the head.
4. The previously mentioned douche decision to play second base.
5. Everyone hates him, so this is an easy blog to get others to agree with.  At least I don't have to be worried about getting sued for libel if I bash Jeff Kent.  The judge will even agree with me that he's a dick.

So Jeff Kent, in honor of your dishonorable second base record, I induct you into the OSU Club.  And fuck you.

3 comments:

  1. I think you forget... I LOVE JEFF KENT!!!!!!

    He is one of my favorite players of all time.

    1) Everyone hates him (except me)
    2) He hates Barry Bonds more than any human alive.
    3)Milton Bradley also thinks everyone in Chicago is racist.
    4) Jeff Kent was on SuperStars Challenge with Ali Landry (very hot)
    5) Jeff Kent has a nice mustache.
    6) Chicks dig the long ball.

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  2. As the voice of the people, we the people hate Jeff Kent.

    One thing that bothered me was how much he dove while playing defense. He had very limited range and had to dive to make routine plays, thus making him look better than he was. Announcers always thought he was good because of this as well, so lame.

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