Monday, November 30, 2009

Obvious Steroids User 11/30/09

Today, I awoke gloriously early just before the crack of ten expecting it to be a typical Monday.  I proceeded to follow my normal morning protocol... catching up on my RSS feed reading in my boxers, showering, and making myself breakfast.  Given that it is the first of my last three weeks of school decided to spoil myself and treat myself to two sausage patties instead of the normal one!

However, that was not the biggest highlight of the morning.

No, the grandest highlight of my morning was waiting for me in my mailbox.  Inside, I found a (poorly) handwritten letter, which I have transcribed below:

November 28, 2009

Dear Cooly,

Hey, it's Bud.  You know, Bud Selig.  I know that you were busy over this past weekend enjoying Thanksgiving with friends and family.  That is probably why you failed to answer any of my calls.

It's okay.  Really.  I forgive you.  I was just really trying to get your opinion before I announced my impending retirement because as you know, I had nothing to do this weekend as all of my family passed away millions of years ago.

Although getting your opinion before making my final decision was not the only reason I wanted to contact you.

You see, in the past five months of your blog's existence, you guys have established yourselves as one of the elite members of the baseball reporting world.  I, along with other baseball greats like my fellow tribe buddy from back in the day, Peter Gammons, recognize that you guys are groundbreaking in your ability to copy what several other websites are already doing.  We love it.

And by far, the best part of your website is the Obvious Steroids User that you post every week.  Your ability to blend truth and fiction is truly remarkable.  And obviously I love it because that is what I do every day at job!

The OSU posts have also struck a special chord with me.  And this is why I was trying to contact you.  I wanted to break on your website that I, Alan Huber Selig, am a steroids user.

In fact, I was actually the one who was gifted the "invention" of steroids.

You see, back millions of years ago, just after aliens had mated with neanderthals to create human beings, they chilled around for a little bit.  And since they felt bad for the neanderthals because they had created the vastly intelligent humans, they gave them steroids in order for the neanderthals to survive in the harsh times without the ability to think as well as the humans.

Now, I was real good friends with one of the neanderthals, Blerg (that was the only word-like noise he could make!).  And it just so happened that he ended up being the last neanderthal alive.

Before Andy Rooney shot him with a stone-tipped arrow, Blerg approached me and gifted to me his last vile of steroids.  I was honored.  So honored that I began to start taking the stuff in order to impress my favorite gal in the tribe, Joan Rivers.

And boy, oh boy, did it work.  I was so strong and so fast.  Even though my balls shrunk, it was well worth it.  I could benchpress a whole 80 pounds!  Gammons was so jealous.

Anyways, the long and short of it (while skipping a few million years) is that we got into modern day society and when there was finally the technology to mass produce more steroids (Da Vinci was such a bitch when I approached him about the possibility), I decided to spread them everywhere.  It was awesome.  I was actually the one who gave Jose Canseco the idea of a utopian society filled with steroid users.

After buying the Seattle Pilots and moving them to Milwaukee (I fucking hate the rain), I figured it would be sweet to watch more home runs because there is nothing more manly than getting hammered off a case of Old Milwaukee and watching dudes with huge muscles pound baseballs over the fence.  So unsuspectingly I just snuck the steroids into locker rooms at Milwaukee County Stadium.

And it worked!

Players started taking the stuff left and right.  And I'm not at all ashamed.  I mean, come on, how fun was 1998?  I know you loved it.

And then that meathead, Barry Bonds, ruined it for everyone.  If only it had been someone cool like Chili Davis who had decided to go nuts with the steroids.  Think of how much everyone would love them then!

Barry and his abrasive personality made steroids controversial.  It sucked.  And then I had to institute rules about steroid use because people thought it was "uncool" or "damaging to the body."  Fiddlesticks, I say!  How do you think I have been able to maintain my sleek physique for millions of years?  And Gammons is still jealous that I can outlift him!

But there you go, Cooly, yes, I, the greatest Commissioner Major League Baseball has ever seen, Bud Selig, am a steroid user.  And I'm damn proud of it.  I will forever miss baseball come the year 2012, but I will surely never miss steroids since I have already bought a lake cabin in the Northwoods to share with Greg Anderson for the rest of my days.

Sincerely yours,
Bud Selig

This picture was included with the letter:


5 comments:

  1. How drunk were you at 3:37 pm on a Monday?

    Also, Chilli Davis has several sticks of TNT and is about to blow up Candlestick Park. I think this is the greatest picture of all time.

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  2. I will pass this one on to my children, and their children, and their children...

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  3. I think I speak for everyone (well because that is what I do. I am the voice of the people) when I say OMG good shit.

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  4. I jizzed in my pants when I read this!!!

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