Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thoughts on the current state of the Cubs by Mr. Anonymous

As the winter meetings are starting to become a popular subject and the previous posting was actually fairly well done, I have created this to bring things back down a little. These are my musings about the Cubs that are mostly made up or implausible backed up by random facts. So here they are in a very random order.

1. Pick up a Molina brother (Bengie and Jose are free agents). They have been won quite a few championships and will hopefully steal food away from Soto so he doesn’t get fat again, but likely will resume his weed smoking.

2. Ryan Dempster asks Milton Bradley to farm his field in farmland on Facebook because he has nothing else to do now a days. Resulting in Bradley going ape-shit and murders every stripper he sees for a week, thus resulting in jail time which will negate his remaining contract and get the Cubs off the hook.

3. The Cubs pick back up Nomar Garciaparra just so people that stupidly bought his jersey can keep wearing them and not feel like as big of idiots all the time.

4. Second base needs. Cubs should go after O-dog or Felipe Lopez but will likely go after Craig Counsell or Mark Loretta because of their love for old white second baseman-see Aaron Miles. Also I could have hit better than him last year given that many AB's (AB: 157, H: 29, AVG: .185).

5. Outfielders-anyone. I like Micah Hoffpauir and Jake Fox but can’t keep both so trade one away for some decent prospects/pitching. Pick up someone with some speed to be a leadoff hitter, or stick with Soriano- who should also be traded but no one will take or Fukudome… and… well… enough said.

6. D Wade going to the Cubs because he wants to come to Chicago and can play with a good big man, aka D Lee. Also they both enjoy going by D Last name. D Lee is arguably the best bigman in baseball (and got a scholarship to play basketball at UNC) and D Wade needs a good big man to help win another championship. No, Joakim Noah or Jermaine O’Neal is not the answer. He could utilize MJ’s theory and steal a ton of bases and run down lots of fly balls/rob home runs. He could play the outfield and is bound to hit better than anyone currently starting out there for the Cubs (see above).

7. Pitching maybe they could get someone like Erik Bedard since Harden is a free agent and Lilly is hurt (impairing my chances of wining my lifetime bet with Zach that if he throws a no hitter I win $5). But likely will end up with Chan Ho Park and Rich Hill for round two.

8. If you cannot tell I am not really talking about trades because the Cubs do not do that. They usually just over pay for mediocre to poor free agents-see current roster.

9. Len and Bob will produce another song with Lil Wayne, Taylor Swift, and Billy Joel.

10. The Ricketts will hopefully start making necessary facelifts to Wrigley so it doesn’t continue to fall on people. I hope they don’t add more washrooms though because than you wont be able to cross swords with random old fat drunk men at the troughs as easily (please watch this video I do not think it is at Wrigley, but is still so funny/wrong). They start building a parking structure near the field and actually make it impossible to drive to Wrigley, opposed to just nearly impossible like it is now.

11. Also since they have said they need marketing help I will continue to call Wrigley Field and ask for a job, hopefully one day I can talk to Tom Ricketts himself.

12. Rudy Jaramillo, is also joining the Cubs after serving 15 seasons as the hitting coach with Texas, where he oversaw a Rangers offense that produced 17 Silver Slugger Awards, three home run champions, three RBI titles and a batting champion. Additionally, his hitters won four of the last 15 Most Valuable Player awards. Amount of these players who were on steroids? All. What if he gives Z roids? How much more crazy can he get?

13. Lastly, Barack Obama realizes he has been rooting for the wrong side of town for too long and changes to backing the Cubs. Than utilizes “Yes we can” for the Cubs 2010 slogan and employing his King power helps the Cubs win the World Series. Sadly I think this last part is really the most far fetched…not good.


  1. People that have a signed Nomar Cubs jersey: Matty.

    Things Matty said after receiving the signature: "You're my best player"

    Nomar's response: "Totally"

  2. It's true. I do have an autographed nomar jersey. Every night I dream that Nomar is a cub again so we can have another awesome conversation