Cooly's New Man Crush

I wanted to wait a few days for my emotions to settle before I finally wrote this post. After waiting three-ish days, I think I can finally express my feelings into words while sounding like a thirteen-year-old girl writing about the Jonas Brothers only about half the time.

As you may have well heard, Mark DeRosa is now a Cardinal. In the most inevitable split of the summer other than Jon and Kate, the Indians finally decided to deal DeRosa last Saturday. Even though he was a Cub for the past two seasons, I have always loved... I mean, respected him since he was the only one who didn't suck other than Samardzija. I could have not been more ecstatic about how things worked out for the following reasons:

1. We really needed a third baseman. No contender in the history of baseball has ever started a combination worse than Joe Thurston (career minor leaguer for the Dodgers), Brian Barden (career minor leaguer for the D-Backs), David Freese (who had never played above AA before the season started), and Tyler Greene (career minor leaguer for the Cards) at third. It was awful watching Tony march this handful of below replacement level players out game after game. DeRosa finally gives us someone we can put at the hot corner every day and not have to hide our heads in shame for doing so.

2. Did you see what we dealt for him?!?! Chris Perez and a player to be named later? Really? That's all Shapiro could get? I was shocked when I heard this news from Zach via text on Saturday. It caused me to go nuts while riding in Dave's backseat, the celebration included a few Rocky-like headrest punches. I was ecstatic.

I knew that the Cards were in the lead of the DeRosa sweepstakes, which worried me because I thought we would have to give up way too much in order to get him. I was thinking Shapiro would require Perez, Freese, and another player or Brett Wallace himself. But no, all he wanted was Perez. I gaurantee that Mozeliak had to hold back laughter when Shapiro accepted that deal.

Chris Perez is not good; I've watched him over the past few years. Garbage. (Plus he is a player of the Jeremy Brown body type) He will never turn into the closer that was expected of him all because LaRussa fucked with his head the past two seasons. And then, icing on top of the cake, here is Perez's stat line from his game against the White Sox last night:

IP - 0.2
H - 2
R - 4
ER - 4
BB - 1
K - 0
WP - 1
HBP - 2

Have fun Cleveland!

3. I think LaRussa was the only other person who blew a bigger load in his shorts than I did when this trade was announced. I bet he stayed up all night imagining all of the different lineup combinations he can make with DeRosa. "I could start him at third, then double switch twice, putting him in right and then at second... or I could start him at second flip flop him with Skip in left in the fourth for fun, then flip them back in the eighth... oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... I need a drink."

4. I get to rub having DeRosa in the faces of all the Cubs fans stuck with Milton.

5. Apparently, he slays bitches (and sometimes starstruck dudes).

All I know is that this was a major boost for the Cardinals, and I'm so glad we pulled the trigger on this deal. He's a perfect fit for the club. Now, excuse me, I have to get going to the Cards/Giants game tonight to see the Big Unit face off against Carp. I fully expect to have a DeRosa jersey shirt in my possession when I make my way home tomorrow morning.

YSSW Obvious Steroids User of the Week: Brady Anderson

I almost feel bad writing about this because A.) I still consider myself an Orioles fan and B.) saying Brady Anderson did steroids would be like saying Cooly is fat. Everyone knows it, and it's mean to point it out. But, we ran out of material for today and Cooly let me write, so here goes. As always, YSSW believes everyone is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

So...Brady Anderson, played in the Major Leagues from 1988 to 2002, all but 75 games of it as the Orioles Center Fielder.

I hear that one of the most effective methods of teaching is through visual stimuli, so let's look at some pictures to get my point across.

Exhibit A, Anderson's card from 1989, his first full season with the Orioles:


This season, a very average looking Brady played in 94 games for the Orioles, hitting .207 and slugging in 4 HRs and 16 RBIs. Lame.

Exhibit B, Brady Anderson in the mid-90s:
Through 1995, Anderson had 73 home runs credited to his name, playing most of those seasons in hitter-friendly Camden Yards (Griffey hit the fucking warehouse behind right field in the 93 HR Derby there). Then, in 1996, he came back a little bigger, a little stronger, and blasted MOTHERFUCKING 50 HOME RUNS. For those of you math whiz's out there, that's more than 2/3 of his total power production in one season.

This occurrence is so obviously shadowed by questionable activity that it's only mentioned in passing in the great history book of Orioles franchise history, aka Cal Ripken Jr., My Story, a 1999 autobiography of the Iron Man that is written for 3rd graders, or at least written at a 3rd grade level:

"The Orioles, after so many years of frustration, became contenders again that year. We won the American League wild card race, setting the major league record for home runs in a season. Brady Anderson hit an amazing fifty all by himself. We beat Cleveland in the playoffs before losing to the Yankees."

You can tell Cal knew what was up when he wrote those simplified sentences. Cal couldn't snitch on his boy, but he couldn't write anything else to explain how/why Brady could have hit all those home runs for just one season, much like how Reggie Bush can't explain how/why his family has a free house.

Alas, Anderson's power surge didn't last. From 97-02 he hit 88 HRs, spiking with 24 in 1999. Perhaps he should have kept up with the 'roids, because '96-97 were the last two seasons the Orioles even sniffed making the postseason, except in 2005 when they led the AL East for half a season; mostly led by the slugging of this guy, and this guy, and Brian Roberts, also of Mitchell Report fame.

Although I bet that poster of Anderson sold well amongst the ladies of the Mid-Atlantic U.S. And I'm sure he's a nice guy, I mean, look, he'll give any girl a chance.

Dave's note: After looking more at the the 2005 Orioles lineup, YSSW will be set with Obvious Steroids User of the Week posts for months. Forgot about Tejada (like I forget about most Astros players), Bigbie, and Jay Gibbons.

Start Wedman 2009 All Star Game Picks

In a short two weeks, the elected All Stars of each league get to visit beautiful Busch Stadium in the best baseball town of all time, St. Louis. (No bias was used for that first line whatsoever)

As we all know, having the fans vote for the starting line-ups of the All Star game is a complete crock of shit. Fan voting started in 1947, which is a lot earlier than most people would suspect, and abruptly ended in 1957 because the Cincinnati Reds fans stuffed the ballot box. The voting that year lead to every starting Red being elected except George Crowe at first base, losing to Stan the Man. (Sucks to be him, right?) However, before the game, Commissioner Ford Frick realized what a travesty this was and immediately put Hank Aaron and Willie Mays into the line-up. Frick then asked Eisenhower to get back at Cincy by not building any freeways into the city. Too bad that didn't happen.

In 1970, fan voting was re-installed, leaving the idiots to lead the blind ever since. If you want proof of why fans should not get to pick the starting line-ups of the All Star Game, you will soon see below... (My personal side comments are italicized)

OKAPI'S PICKS

AL

C - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
1B - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
2B - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
3B - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
SS - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
OF - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
OF - Scott Podsednik, White Sox
OF - Scott Podsednik, White Sox

NL

C - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
1B - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
2B - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
3B - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
SS - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
OF - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
OF - Scott Podsednik, Rockies
OF - Scott Podsednik, Rockies

Okapi has long been admired for his great consistency.

DAVE'S PICKS

AL

C - Joe Mauer, Twins
1B - Victor Martinez, Indians
2B - Brian Roberts, Orioles
3B - Chone Figgins, Angels
SS - Marco Scutaro, Blue Jays
OF - Shin-Soo Choo, Indians
OF - Torii Hunter, Angels
OF - Scott Podsednik, White Sox

NL

C - Brian McCann, Braves
1B - Albert Pujols, Cardinals
2B - Dave forgot to pick a second baseman. Because of that, I'm voting for Skip Schumaker for him.
3B - Aramis Ramirez, Cubs - I guess this makes sense because no one has had a greater impact on the Cubs' season
SS - Honus Wagner, Deceased
OF - Ryan Braun, Brewers
OF - Mike Cameron, Brewers, Because he claims he plays drunk
OF - Justin Upton, D-backs

ZACH'S PICKS

AL

C - Joe Mauer, Twins, Easy, currently batting .600 with a 42.3 VORP.
1B - Russell Branyan, Mariners, I would pick Tex, but refuse to pick an Yankees or Red Sox. This should make it a little interesting. And Tex only hits home runs because he is playing in the most expensive little league field ever built.
2B - Ian Kinsler, Rangers, I kind of want to write in Ben Zobrist (14 VORP, +1.0 WARP). However, Kinsler is slugging .529. Ouch.
3B - Evan Longoria, Rays, This one is easy. 32.7 VORP. The next highest? Michael Young- 23.9.
SS - Marco Scutaro, Blue Jays, Apparently he is not Italian. Who knew?
OF - Shin-Soo Choo, Indians, Damn you Jason Bay and your insanely good year. Also, I wanted to vote in JD Drew, just to spite him. Because nothing would make his year worse than having to play an extra baseball game.
OF - Torii Hunter, Angels
OF - Magglio Ordonez, Tigers, What getting benched for no reason in your contract year doesn’t mean you are playing well? News to me.

NL

C - Brian McCann, Braves
1B - I refuse to dignify this position with a response. The candidate is too obvious. Travis Ishikawa, right?
2B - Orlando Hudson, Dodgers, Utley would be the correct choice. But I’m voting Orlando Hudson, simply to cause Cooly to cry. He is getting back at me because earlier in the season, I traded Hudson straight up for Jeremy Hermida. I then had the disabled Aaron Miles starting at second for 6 weeks while O-Dog batted .360.
3B - Pablo Sandoval, Giants, Fuck David Wright. This guy weighs 634 pounds and can still play a league average third base. This is my most astounding performance this year.
SS - Miguel Tejada, Astros, Surprise. He’s actually performing pretty decent this year. I guess you don’t need steroids to succeed. If he is even off steroids right now (questionable).
OF - Manny. I absolutely hate fan voting. Therefore, I would like to shame baseball into forcing them to cancel fan voting. I will now vote for Manny 3 times.

If I wasn’t voting for Manny 3 times, I’m voting for Raul Ibanez and Ryan Braun.

COOLY'S PICKS

AL

C - Joe Mauer, Twins, I think that this is quite obvious. He is insane.
1B - Russell Branyan, Mariners, Alright, roids is a possibility, but you have to love the season that shitty ole Russell Branyan is putting up.
2B - Ben Zobrist, Rays, Unlike Zach, I have no problem putting him here. Plus, he's from Eureka, which is like 30 minutes from the Dirty Dirty. Probably explains why he's so good.
3B - Evan Longoria, Rays
SS - Jason Bartlett, Rays, I feel like I'm the only one who notices the insane season he's putting up right now. He would be third in BA right now if he qualified (behind Ichiro and Mauer, if he qualified). He's slugging .565!!! .565!!! On top of all that, his VORP is 35.5. That is sixth highest on the year so far, only behind Pujols, Mauer, Hanley, Utley, and Braun. That's a pretty good list to be on.
OF - Jason Bay, Red Sox
OF - Carl Crawford, Rays, I love stolen bases and the Rays. Sorry.
OF - Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, I also love Ichiro. Fuck Torii Hunter.

NL

C - Yadier Molina, Cardinals, There is no standout choice for catcher in the NL this year, so why not go with Molina? The game is in St. Louis, he is the best defensive catcher in the game, and this makes up for Russell Martin getting the Gold Glove over him in '07.
1B - Albert Pujols, Cardinals
2B - Chase Utley, Phillies, Because I often refuse to accept Orlando Hudson's existence.
3B - David Wright, Mets, Only because he is batting .342 while slugging under .500 with only 4 jacks. What a ridiculous stat line.
SS - Hanley Ramirez, Marlins, Most obvious choice after Pujols.
OF - Rick Ankiel, Cardinals, He would easily be batting .390 with 25 homers if he wasn't so badass and ran into that wall. Those are low estimates.
OF - Ryan Braun, Brewers, I really wish he wasn't on the Brewers. I have a feeling he will make me cry a few times over the coming years.
OF - Juan Pierre, Dodgers, Suck it Manny!

I told you that the fans shouldn't be able to vote.

Live Blog: Cubs-ish Edition

Sorry this took so long... once you get to the end, you will figure out why.

12:57 - I found my Dolphins’ Daunte Culpepper jersey buried in my room before the start of the game. Of course, I put it on. By far one of my favorite eBay purchases of all time. It smells OxyClean fresh. Big ups to Billy Mays, a much more moving death than that of MJ. I can’t wait for all the Billy tribute videos that will be popping up on Youtube soon.

Alright, anthem time followed by some pre-game analysis.

Len voice cracks so far – 1

Ryan Freel is batting .130… wow, great pick up. Joey Gathright was a much cooler player. In MVP Baseball ’05, he is always guaranteed 60 steals in a season. Freel, on the other hand, enjoys running into walls.

First pitch… there is a water can on the track behind homeplate. If Rick Ankiel were pitching, the chance of him hitting it is an absolute lock.

1:10 – First mention of Mark DeRosa being traded to the Cardinals. Len could not sound more depressed.

Milton Bradley has gone clean-shaven. Is this some terrible gesture of him turning a new leaf? This can only mean that he’s going to do something bat-shit crazy today.

Bob and Len are talking about the water can now. Someone please move it so that I don’t have to listen to any more of their jokes about tomato plants.

This Avanti’s is delicious. I love the Dirty Dirty.

Zambrano is taking the mound now. I think he is already upset that he doesn’t get to bat today. Plus, over the years, I’ve noticed that batting is the only healthy way for Big Z to get his anger out. That doesn’t get to happen today. I bet that he completely loses his control and chucks the rosin bag at Bradley’s face by the fourth.

Bottom of 1st – The water can has been cleared. Please God, let Bob and Len forget about it now.

1:23 – My first urge to hit the mute button strikes – fucking Bob and Len. However, I resist only because I know that Zach is being tortured with Hawk babbling with long, awkward times of dead space in between.

Viagra commercial count – 1

Freel on first, Danks holding him on. How on earth is Danks’ pickoff move not a balk every time? He literally makes no different motion between his delivery and pickoff. Are balks called anymore? Apparently, the only left-hander who can trigger balk calls is Mark Buerhle.

Danks just threw the pickoff away. Freel takes second. Only fair considering his 20 balks so far.

And now it looks like Danks had no idea that Freel was on second as he takes third. Way to check the runner, Johnny.

Has anyone else seen this Olive Garden commercial for the new crostata dishes involving the mother and son? I couldn't find a video because I think the gods of the internet are preventing horrendous video footage like this from being available. It may be the gayest commercial I have ever seen. Who makes shit like this and thinks it’s good?

Bottom of 2nd – Paul Konerko is so fucking slow. Seriously, has there ever been anyone slower in the history of baseball? Kirk Gibson ran faster with one leg than Konerko does with two. And even Yadier Molina is “quick” enough to make sure there wouldn’t have been a play on that double. Is there any chance that Kenny Williams will just shoot Konerko like a lame horse when he finally retires?

1:43 – More mentioning of DeRosa. Bob and Len then discuss that when players move between a lot of teams over a short amount of time, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the player is a bad clubhouse person (aka Bradley, Carl Everett). Bob makes this argument for Mark DeRosa. I agree. Len makes the argument for Reggie Sanders. I disagree. Also, look out for a future OSU post on Sanders.

There is a guy in a white polo sitting behind the third base dugout with bitch tits. He really needs to not be wearing a white shirt.

Top of 3rd – Fuck, Len cracks another joke about the water can. Bob follows with an equally unfunny one-liner about flowers. This is why Bob and Len should not be given material to work with like the water can because they have no idea how to ever let anything go.

Bottom of 3rd – Zambrano plunks Podsednik, who stares down and trash talks him on his trip to first. How funny would a Big Z/Pods fight be? Also, let us document this moment as the beginning of Zambrano’s meltdown.

Now a homer from Alexi… yes... Big Z is so falling apart. I can’t wait to see what Zach’s post mentions about Hawk’s reaction to this roundtripper. Sox up 2-0.

Len – “Thome might as well stand on first. He took the shortest lead in the history of baseball, just one step.” Since when is Len funny? Bob tries to follow up this joke, fails, and completely taints the hilarity of the original joke. Typical.

Len voice cracks – 2

2:05 - They just showed a cougar holding her kid and waiving at the camera. I now understand Hudson’s attraction to this segment of women.

How did I not notice this before… but both teams are wearing their softball tops. I know that Big Z prefers to pitch in the blue jerseys (the Cubs starting pitcher gets to pick the jerseys each game), but why are the White Sox wearing black again during the day? Is Dusty Baker now their equipment manager?

Viagra commercial count – 2 (the motorcycle one, vroom vroom…)

Top of 4th – I love when WGN does quick spots for programming coming up later in the day. They just advertised for “Outta Sight Retro Night.” I lost $10 to my dog because I bet him that it would be for a Michael Keaton movie.

2:17 – Bob mentions how Derek Lee has an interesting way of holding runners on first. He thinks that it’s different and genius. While Bob’s on this rant, Beckham smokes a single right past Lee. Bob shuts up.

Pierzynski scores on the third straight hit and run of the inning. I think Ozzie decided to try this strategy to counter the Cubs, who have Marmol only throw sliders. Sox up 3-0.

Meltdown continuing… Big Z screams Spanish obscenities at Rothschild… throws wild pickoff to second straight into Beckham’s ass…

Beckham gets picked off at second this time after leaning too far towards third. I theorize he did this on purpose so that he could go back to the dugout and fix his Iceman hairdo.

That Olive Garden commercial really makes me angry. I bet Ed Wade had a hand in making it.

Top of 5th – Alexi Ramirez hits the B button while turning the double play. Bob and Len immediately rag on him about the unnecessary flair. If Theriot does this next inning, Bob and Len will gush about his graceful athletic abilities.

Bottom of 5th – Bitch Tits left his seat. The bros sitting behind him are now hitting on his girlfriend, who seems more interested in the sunbathing possibilities of being at the game. I need more shots of the face of right-handed batters RIGHT NOW!

I flip to the Cardinals game to make sure that Piniero’s ERA is still under 8,000 for the game… only allowed 4 through 5.1, whew. How sad is it that I find those stats relieving?

Shit, Pierzynski’s up… come on… put in Castro. Damn it. I expect those bros will be making out with Bitch Tits’ girl by the time Beckham’s up. Oh no, AJ grounded out. I will never get to see the conclusion of this ongoing situation.

Viagra commercial count – 3 (Is it really necessary to chuck all of your shit out the window to bone for 90 seconds?)

2:39 - Top of 6th – Nice, Bitch Tit’s girlfriend has pulled down the straps of her tank top. Let the games begin.

Len mentions that he hopes the Cubs get on a Rockies-like tear soon as if every team has one during the season. All of these years of announcing for the Cubs have seriously disillusioned him.

2:42 - Bob has gone silent for some reason. Len is talking to himself. I feel like I’m watching Hawk and DJ with Hawk mumbling about nothing to himself. This is really eerie.

2:47 - Whew, Bob is back talking about unselfish at bats. I feel relieved.

2:48 – Bitch Tits is back! With another girl! This is up there with The O.C. in terms of great TV drama.

2:50 – Bitch Tits and his girlfriend have swapped seats with his buddy and his girl (that’s who BT came back with, so drama not as thick) in order to get away from the bros. I see the bros plotting a new strategy. I support their work. One of them clearly just checked out BT’s girlfriend’s chest.

2:53 – All three of the bros are on their phones. Probably calling in back up since Bitch Tits looks like he’s tough to bring down. Now, BT’s girlfriend and his buddy’s girl are touching each other to compare tank top tan lines! I don’t care about this game at all anymore.

God, that Olive Garden commercial again. I want to stick one of those asiago cheese crostatas in my eye.

Bottom of 6th – When was the last time Milton Bradley threw a ball with the intention of catching a runner? That wasn’t even close. Another thought… how much of an enigma is Bradley? Do you think he acts like a dumbass just to entertain all the blogging idiots like us out there?

The return of Rick Ankiel! Zambrano chucks it straight into the backstop! Great pitchout! Sox up 4-0.

Bob blames Soto for this happening because he was obviously the most aware and greatest fielding catcher in the history of baseball.

Oh shit… Big Z beaned Wise… here we go… meltdown. All of the Sox are coming out of the dugout. To this, Bob says, “Sit down” like a grumpy 85-year-old veteran.

David Patton is warming up; Lou has conceded this game.

Bob Brenly is super pissed off now. He just used his grumpy 85-year-old voice in harshly criticizing Theroit’s actions in fielding stolen base attempt throws from Soto. My dad joins me in commenting on Bob’s idiocy.

That blooped pop fly to left is the last straw for Bob. I hear him loading his revolver while he whines a little more.

Now Theriot drops a pop fly on the infield fly. Bob has a bitter, angry, and over-animated rant about the batter being out on the infield fly rule. I think the gun is next to his head now… Sox up 5-0.

3:14 – I just found a Choose Your Own Adventure book on my coffee table titled Prisoner of the Ant People. Let’s see how long I can survive…

3:16 – Wait… Bud Light fan cam… I can always count on the Cubs’ cameramen to be creepy. Shit, that was disappointing. Back to the book…

3:21 – I defeated the Ant Leader by breaking his purple mind beam he had on me and then spraying him with “sonic pest-eliminator.” That was the most successful thing I’ve done all month. This also marks the first time I haven’t died in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Understandably, no one is around to pat me on the back.

3:23 – Top of 7th – John Cusack, Len wished you a happy birthday. I bet that made your day!

This game is taking so long, I forgot how much I hate watching AL games.

3:29 – With runners on first and second, Bob tries to jinx Gordan Beckham by saying, “21st career game for Beckham, and he is yet to ground into a double play.” He flies out to left, not quite as satisfying as I hoped.

What is gayer about that son in the Olive Garden commercial, his hair, his wardrobe, or his voice? This is my mind’s great debate right now.

5:06 - I awake to Farrah Fawcett and Charlie’s Angels as a part of that “Outta Sight Retro Night.” I fell asleep before the 8th started. I think my body went into shut down mode to save me from the musings of Len and Bob.

Live Blog: Sox Edition

Today, Cooly and I will be giving you live blogs of the Cubs-Sox game. I'll divulge the intricacies of everything that is Hawk Harrelson, while Cooly will being analyzing the small amounts of wit, and large amounts of music talk, that Bob and Len spew out.

Low lights from the Comcast Chicago Pregame Show: There was a running scroll on the bottom of the ticker. Instead of putting interesting baseball facts or scores, Comcast decided to put in fan texts. These texts included a fan saying "Scott 'Joe DiMaggio' Podsednik" or "Lets Go Sox!!!!!!!! Cubs Suck!!!!!!!!!!!" or "I think the Sox are going to win today". Really, the useful information the fans were texting in was a little overwhelming.

There was a piece done on Hawk. In this piece, The reporter baited me by saying that Hawk was thinking about retiring soon. Then, Hawk said, "No I think I'm going to die in the booth. I want to go out like this, 'Pauly at the plate. A long drive. He looks up. You can put it on the board... dead Hawk.'" At least we know he plans on dying sometime soon, during the extent of Konerko's contract.

And away we go...

12:55 I've decided that while I watch the game I will be reading several Simmons columns. I'm sure I will discuss some of this, rather than listen to Hawk complain about calls for 3 hours.

12:56 Frank Thomas and Doug Glanville were just interviewed, and surprisingly they picked the Sox, and Cubs respectively. That was shocking and informative.

12:57 The interviewer throws it back to Todd Hollandsworth who was having microphone problems and was sounding like he replaced with a high strung robot that enjoyed yelling. Think Stephen A. Smith with a robot voice.

1:01 Hawk started talking. I immediately became saddened.

1:04 Stone gives a breakdown of the Interleague Win Loss, and its surprisingly extremely even. Then he shows the White Sox lineup, and I'm highly inimpressed. And this is their everyday lineup. Not a good thing.

1:07 Please don't throw a first pitch fastball. Please.

1:08 First pitch. Soriano didn't smash the first pitch, but he did get a nice hit to left center, in which Podsednik made a horrible attempt to catch the ball. If the times between me and Cooly are off, its because Cooly has the wrong time, not me.

1:17 Danks gets out of a big jam, 2 on nobody out. The horrible feeling I had about this game has subsided into a slight discomfort.

1:19 The White Sox lineup currently has 2 players batting below .200. That is not a good thing. Also, Stone makes this little quip which gets a giggle out of me, "Zambrano looking to get his 3rd loss"

1:21 Podsednik strikes out looking on a fastball right over the middle. Stone says, "I guess he was just looking for a ball."

1:22 Ah yes, Picks to Click. Beats anything the Cubs announcers are doing at 1:22.

1:23 Hawks first complaint about a call. I will no longer be counting these because there are no enough number in the world.

1:27 Word that doesn't feel right to text using T9: succeeded. Way too much hitting of the 3.

1:33 Hawk announces: as a rule, if we play quick ballgames then we will win. I missed where this was written. I wonder if other teams know about this rule.

1:34 Long fly ball in foul territory that Alexei drops. Hawk decides to blame Alexei, but fails to realize that ball was in the air forever and Scott Podsednik was no where to be found. Pods, fast, but can't play the outfield. Shortly after Danks throws the ball away on a pick off attempt, then Freel steals third. No White Sox pitcher gives a shit about holding runners on or getting the ball home quickly. Because of this the Cubs will steal 6 bases today. Current count: 2 SB's.

1:37 I'm pretty sure the Sox have 17 errors in this series. Middle of the 2nd, 0-0.

1:40 I'm reading an article about US Soccer from 2002 by Simmons and still laughing. I love Simmons.

1:41 Alfonso Soriano misplays a ball. Alfonso Soriano misplays a ball. Surprisingly, I have had way too many arguments with people that think he is a good outfielder. He is consistently negative in his Total Zone Runs Average.

1:42 They broadcast team just brought up the fact Derosa was traded to the Cards. This would have caused Cooly to jizz in his pants had he been watching Comcast.

1:48 Absolutely hilarious anti-drug commercial by Matt Thorton. He said, "If someone is trying to get you to do drugs, they aren't your friend...Period" Only imagine him completely reading off a cue card, and sounding like the kid in 5th grade who reads at a 3rd grade level, only the teacher always picks him to read. On another note, this person is also selected by other students to read if there are 20 minutes before recess/gym and a long paragraph coming up. Because kids are mean, and I love it.

1:51 Microphone problems. Robot voice is back. Its still better than listening to Hawk complain about calls.

1:56 Zambrano hits Pods square in the thigh with a ball. It seemed quite intentional. Lets see if Danks can retaliate.

1:58 Interesting note: Apparently the first baseman must remain in fair territory at all times. This is news to me, and I played first for 4 years in high school. Thank you Stone for making me smarter.

1:59 Zambrano hangs a slider to Alexei, which he proceeds to piss on, and knock it halfway up the stands in left center. Many fist pounds were given to my imaginary friends. Sox 2-Cubs 0.

2:03 Apparently, Zambano and Don Cooper got into a war of words. Stone settled this argument by saying: "Well, Don Cooper has one thing Zambrano doesn't... a ring" BAM!!!!! Meanwhile, Soriano almost misses an easy fly ball, because he has no idea how to play the outfield.

2:05 End of the third. Score: 2-0. Amount of ridiculously creepy shots of hot girls in the crowd that Cooly has seen: most likely 20. Amount of hot girls I have seen: 0. I am envious of the Cubs telecast for a few reasons, that is one of them.

2:10 Halfway through the game and the announcers have been pretty mundane. Talking almost solely about the game, and providing some pretty good insight. It seems like Stoney and Hawk are angry at each other. I wonder if Stone boned Hawk's daughter. Or Hawk found out how much Stone hates him.

2:13 Every time there is a broken White Sox bat Hawk says, "That's another $95 bill." Like Major League Baseball, or the Chicago White Sox are hurting that bad that they can't spend $95 to replace a few bats. It's like it hurts him to the core that bats cost $95. He often says things like, "Bats used to cost $40 in my day." Got to love old people.

2:24 3-0 End of the 4th. Dewayne Wise executed a great hit and run to score AJ. On the plus side, I devoured a cup of Dannon Blackberry Yogurt. It was delicious. I'm not a big fan of Yogurt with fruit and seeds in it, and Dannon did it right, and kept that shit out. On the bad side Gordon "Bacon" Beckham got picked off second like a Ri-Tard.

2:29 Completely bizarre double play in which Alexei does a full spin inside, then throws the ball. I can not stand Alexei at short. He is an alright second baseman, and a bad short stop. His range is limited (-5 at 2B!! according to PECOTA, -21.5 Rtot according to baseball reference). We need to move either Bacon there or Nix. Not to mention he has 84 throwing errors these past two weeks.

2:37 Konerko strikes out looking with 2 men in scoring position and 1 out. Is there any other #4 hitter in the league that does that routinely? I am maddened by the lack of production the 3 and 4 hitters on the Sox get with RISP. If they can't hit a home run, they might as well not swing. Konerko realized this, and just let the ball go right over the middle of the plate.

2:49 I knew Milton couldn't have a serious game in the spot light. I gave a light hearted giggle when he began walking to first long after the strike call was made. Then proceeded to give the umpire a look as if the ump called Milton a piece of shit.

2:53 Commenter Bob informed me via AIM that he had to wear a 2x cup in high school which caused the other boys to poke fun at him. My highlight of the game so far.

3:01 Zambrano tries to pitch out to thwart the suicide squeeze, only to miss by 6 feet. Allowing Getz to easily score. Zambrano then decides to throw at Wise. This is clearly intentional. He hit him square, and meant to. Then proceeds to scream, "What are you going to do?" at Dewayne. If there is one player on the Sox that I wouldn't fuck with, its Wise. He definitely has a glock in his locker.

3:04 Wise steals second and is thrown out by 4 steps, but the ump decides to call him safe because Zambrano is a douche bag. I can not wait for the Sox to drill Soriano. Nothing would make me happier. I hope we send in Poreda to do it too. Then we can have a 98 mph fastball in the middle of that hopping assholes back. Cubs, remember the last time you had an outfielder who hopped at non ideal times. That was one Slammin' Sammy Sosa. Remember when you fucks defended Sosa when he cheated by corking his bat. I fucking hate Cubs fans.

3:08 I calm down a little after being irate about ignorant Cubs fans.

3:09 Soriano misplays a ball. Soriano misplays a ball. (Have I said that before) Seriously, he wasn't even close to this shallow fly ball. He broke back 3 steps before coming in. And I will still have to argue that he is a horrible outfielder. I hate people.

3:10 Theriot misses a fly ball. The Cubs fucking suck.

3:12 Hawk decides to complain about the call being ruled an infield fly. If this were a close game he would bring this up for the next 3 innings. Sox 5-Cubs 0.

3:17 Danks weakly hits Freel, which allows Freel to make a pussy wiping his arm off motion. To show how much of a hard ass the 5'4" 150 lb struggling, backup middle infielder is.

3:23 I'm so glad they didn't show Take Me Out to the Ballgame. That is the one thing I absolutely hate about Sox games. They still play that shitty song during the stretch. We should just pretend that song doesn't exist, like I pretend that other song the Cubs play when they win doesn't exist. The one which repeats 3 words 74 times, and my ears begin to bleed.

3:38 Game got boring. I stopped paying attention. Though, on my twitter, Simmons has 46 consecutive posts without anyone else posting in between them. Bottom of the 8th 5-0.

3:42 Cubs RBI leader has 39 RBI's. That is not good.

3:44 More fighting in the Cubs dugout. Stone is leaving us sitting on the edge of our seats. All he said was, "I guess it was just people with too much time on their hands." Does this refer to Milton Bradley, because he will be sitting from now on due to lack of skill? Does it refer to White Sox fans who drunkenly charge the field? The world may never know.

3:46 The Google Toolbar is creepy. It knows what I'm going to type. It also makes searching for great clips and stories easy. Game wise, Dye just hit a home run, and the Sox announcers bring up the kind of botched infield fly call.

3:52 Top of the 9th. Sox looking to close out this game.

3:59 And that's a White Sox wiiiinnnnnneeeerrrrr. (I do like Hawk some times)

Well, it was fun. Actually it wasn't. I don't know if I'm doing this again. Last time I let Cooly talk me into a post idea. I refuse to spell check any of this post, so fucking deal with it.

Got to Love Milton

While I don't like Paul Sullivan too much, this post isn't about him sucking as much as it is about Milton Bradly being hilarious.


The Cubs say the Milton Bradley-Lou Piniella incident is over and it's time to move on.

This is referring to the incident which occurred the other day in which Lou Piniella called Milton a piece of shit, after Milton did his best Zambrano impression.


Milton Bradley spoke to Cubs beat reporters before Saturday’s game and confirmed that manager Lou Piniella called him a "piece of [expletive]" during their confrontation Friday at U.S. Cellular Field.

The expletive used was shit. Just in case you couldn't figure it out.

"The last time someone called me a piece of [expletive] I tore my ACL," Bradley said, referring to an argument with umpire Mike Winters at the end of the 2007 season. "So, I mean, I've learned how to deal with that. I'm fine. You know, it's Lou Piniella.

Well, your first statement does not make it seem like you are "fine" with being called a piece of shit. By the way, the fact that Milton tearing his ACL is only in my top 5 Milton Bradley moments, instead of being unanimously number 1, speaks volumes about his character. I also like the 'you know, it's Lou Piniella' line. Everyone understands that he is drunk 90% of the time, so no one really takes offense to the things he says.

"To me, Lou Piniella is somebody.

That is a good start to this quote. I like that Sullivan used a period here. Was he trying to make Milton sound less intelligent? He doesn't really need to do that.

If its a motivating tactic and he's taking a different switch since people are saying he didn't have fire, then I understand. I take a lot of heed in what he has to say. It matters. I take it to heart and I'm better for it."

I'm glad Milton takes a lot of 'heed' in things Lou says. People he also takes lots of 'heed' in what they say: Al Sharpton, Carl Everett, Chad Ocho Cinco, and this guy.

Bradley said he was shocked by Piniella's reaction. Piniella said he told Bradley not to throw his helmet anymore, before Bradley threw down the Gatorade cooler and everything "just exploded all over the place."

"It's just wasted energy," Piniella said.

I think that cooler was the one that was holding Lou's gin. Also, we all know what happens when Milton really wants to waste his energy. You thought I was going to go somewhere else with that clip didn't you?

Bradley's version was less descriptive.

Because Bradley may be the least articulate person alive.

"But I told him it wasn't right, and I apologized for it," he said. "But I also told him that we just can't continue to have the shenanigans that we've put up with it.

If one more person says shenanigans...

Has Bradley been singled out for something that teammates Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster and Carlos Marmol have also done?

Its been a bad year for the Cubs' cooler.

"Like I've said, I don't have the same set of rules as other people,"

Clearly because he is way more badass, and badasses don't follow the same rules as you peasants. If Milton Bradley wants to murder strippers, then he will fucking murder a fucking stripper.

"No man, I don't have a problem with Lou at all," he said. "It's hard for me to get upset with a teammate. And he's the manager, so he's more than a teammate. Initially, I was just kind of shocked at how everything just kind of happened suddenly."

Sullivan didn't even bother writing anything for this column. Seriously, go back through and read the whole thing. He actually writes like 6 lines. There are too many great quotes. Which is why I truly believe Milton Bradley is my favorite Chicago athlete.

"I think Lou told me [Jim Hendry] he apologized to Milton," he said. "In the heat of the battle, I think we've all said some things we wish we hadn't, and those are things that usually stay in the clubhouse."

He thinks Lou told him he apologized to Milton? I guess it can be hard for people to understand Lou, he is slurring his speach, and muttering aimlessly most of the time.

The Cubs are concerned over alleged leaking of the confrontation between Bradley and Lou Piniella by White Sox security. The Sox are denying the accusations. Is Bradley upset it was leaked?

O man, Sullivan finally decides to write something!!!! (Count it 4 exclaimation points. I was very excited) Unfortunately, Sullivan uses the typical Chicago writer cop out and blames the leaked story on the Cubs-Sox hatred of each other. (Notice in that link the author uses the word agronomist. Good touch) That's great reporting Sully.

"Usually people who work in clubhouses don't quote things to reporters," he said. "That's part of [their] job. Players say things every day that no one would want to read in the papers -- managers, coaches. It's part of the game. If you're going to have some kind of an exchange like that, there are going to be swear words, and there's going to probably be regrets. As long as the two men hash it out together that's what's important, and you move on."

Aparently, Sully didn't wantto do any actual writing to meet his word limit, so he decided to add another meaningless quote.

"My head is fine," he said. "I've never had a problem with it. Sometimes I react bad to things, but I'm an extremely intelligent individual, I like to think, and I don't see why my head wouldn't be clear."

This is my new all time favorite Milton Bradly quote. SOMETIMES HE REACTS BAD TO THINGS!!!!! (5 exclaimation points this time) I believe I have clipped enough material to show that it is not an "isolated incident" (Take that Geovny Soto). I'm not even going to argue with his assumption he is an intelligent individual.

Cubs vs. Sox Post #2

Len - Is that a bunt or a hit? Or a hybrid?

Bob - I don't know... a hybrid. It's beginning to look more and more like girls' softball with Scott Podsednik.

Apparently, Bob has not been watching the Cubs play baseball for the past month.

Cubs vs. Sox Post #1

Steve Stone in the Second inning of the Cubs-Sox game:

"Aaron Miles not hitting, and they speculate he might be disabled."

I hope he isn't blind, that would make hitting exceptionally difficult.

Atrocious Stadium - Minute Maid Park

Minute Maid Park was doomed from its first day back in 2000 to be a shitty ballpark forever.

There are numerous reasons for this distinction including, but not limited to, this list:

• The fucking Astros play there. I hate them.
• This fucker threw out the first pitch ever in the stadium.
• This douche roamed its field for too many years just so that he could set shitty records like "most number of bean balls taken with pussy armor on."
• It was named Enron Field.

Those are just a few that I could think of before I started getting a massive headache thinking about how much I hate the Houston Astros and Enron Field. Hold on, I need to take a quick break to regain my thoughts now.

Alright, I feel much better now. Whew.

However, by far the worst part about Cheney Corruption Field is the layout of it. You know what I mean... look at the actual field:



First, there is that terrible leftfield porch that even Eddie Gaedel could pop one over. In watching games over the years, I'm fairly sure that 300 of Sosa's dingers and all 449 of Jeff Bagwell's homers are due to that 315 ft leftfield wall.

Then, you shift a little towards center, and you find that giant gap that is created by the drawn-in leftfield. This makes completely no sense because it essentially creates an area out of view to anyone sitting in the stands or watching on TV if the is ball hit back there. Completely logical, especially considering that the point of the field is to allow the fans to fucking watch the game. Only the Astros would screw this up. That janky gap also creates situations like the other night in which Jason Michaels (huge douche, look at his hair) can pretend he caught the ball in order to try and win the game. Also, Ed Wade knows how to put together a roster really well since he signed this nimble fielder to cover all that ground in the janky gap.

I understand what they were trying to do with that leftfield and gap. The Astros, like every other team getting a new stadium, were trying to create a ballpark with unique nooks and crannies similar to that of older parks. But they completely failed.

The most epic example of the organization's failure is this:



Seriously. What the fuck? Who puts a fucking hill in the middle of the field. A HILL! Even I played on fields that were completely flat back in little league! Come on!

All it has done over the years is making 'Stros outfielders look like idiots while allowing one man to laugh in the faces of those who tried to stop him and his golden glove.

And then you can't forget about that centerfield pole that you can see in the picture above. If you notice, you can't even see the yellow line in that shot because it is so fucking high off the ground. Really? If I crush the ball 550 feet to center, but it hits your gay pole, I am only rewarded with a double (of course, I would be admiring my blast while trotting to first)? I really wish that players could still be roided out just so that one could destroy a ball, hit that pole, flip out with roid rage, and then choke every member of the Astros organization in anger over not having hit a home run. That would make my day.

That's right Houston, you have a shitty stadium. That's why this felt so good. I only wish that blast had knocked your entire P.O.S. stadium to the ground.

Michael Jackson's Passing

Now that Michael Jackson, King of Pop, is dead, this Michael Jackson, former middle relief pitcher, is the most famous living Michael Jackson. Congrats to him.

Mike Jackson's career stats

Michael Jackson, dead at 50

I know this is a baseball blog, but some things transcend sports, or perhaps life. Michael Jackson, who gave us Thriller and a really bitchin' song off the Free Willy soundtrack, died today, apparently of a heart attack. This is breaking news and I'm sure details will be filled in later.

In remembrance, we should play Michael's brilliant music all day, every day, until at least the 4th.

For the story, check the link:

http://www.ibtimes.com/prnews/20090625/michael-jackson-is-dead-at-50.htm

Instant Replay Argument

The other day on MLB Network (how I love thee) Bob Costas was interviewing a collection of the oldest, fattest humans on Earth who just so happened to be baseball umpires. During this talk Costas brought up the instant replay argument, citing a World Series game in which Bruce Froemming missed a call at a close play at first base.

Flash Forward (A cinematic effect i will use in this post. Imagine the camera being slightly hazy, possibly in black and white, whichever you prefer.)

Bruce Froemming: "Every play matters. It is crucial to get the call correct."

Present time now. The gorgeous Bruce is back in color.

Bruce: "I think instant replay is great how it is used now. But it shouldn't be used for every play. If we do that we might as well have robots umping."
Bob: "But don't you think it is more important to make the right call? What if they had some system in which a play could be challenged? Wouldn't that give the best chance to get every call correct?"
Some fat ump: "It's important that we don't take away from the sanctity of the game."
Bruce: "Every play matters. It is crucial to get the call correct."

Wait a second. So it is important to get every call correct, as long as it doesn't involve questioning your opinions, or disagreeing with Bud's current philosophy.

I will never understand this. How much more effort and time would it take to challenge questionable calls? Not that much. Why rob players, teams, and fans of a well umpired game? I know having a computer umping a game sounds a little ridiculous, but wouldn't that take away all skeptical calls? And how would this slow down the game? If anything it would speed the game up, with no manager arguments, and immediate and concise calls from some computer/video monitoring system.

The technology for these advancements is in place, and baseball is the perfect sport to implement these drastic changes. It is the only sport in which there are no subjective calls. A strike is either in the strike zone or not. It's not like football where holding can happen under certain circumstances and some calls are judgment based.

I don't understand why I have to be angry when an 80 year old man misses a call. Then I have to hear Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson bitch about it for 6 innings.

Nice talkin' with ya my man!

Tigers v. Cubs, an already depressing series gone worse

I hate Detroit. Everything about it, especially their sports.

I have nightmares about the Red Wings because their stockpiling of ex-Soviets reminds me of Nuclear Holocaust.

Michigan Wolverines fans are amongst the worst in college football, although excellent at pretending it's 1997 and Michigan is still a respectable football program, similar to how Detroit still thinks they're respectable at making cars.

Pistons fans think they're the shit because the Pistons locked down the Eastern Conference for the worst four years in the Conference's history by regularly defeating a two-player Nets team, a Jurassic-era Pacers team, and a bunch of other teams with losing records that got into the playoffs. They also somehow won the 2004 Finals, although I attribute that to Phil being distracted by the supreme hatred Kobe and Shaq shared for each other, and Gary Payton and Karl Malone too worried about how much their union pension would be at the end of the season.

I'm already wasting time and space writing about the Lions.

That's why watching the recent Interleague battle between the Detroit Tigers and Chicago Cubs has been so infuriating. The comparison between the two cities and their fanbases aren't even close. We have Wrigley Field, they have some stadium that should be subsidized by the federal government soon. We have Lake Michigan to lounge at in the summertime, they have...I dunno, Windsor or somewhere shitty. Our nationwide political newsmaker is Barack Obama, they have Kwame Kilpatrick.

However, this post is more an expression of my depression over how much the Cubs have fallen this year, not as much hating on a division leading Detroit team. Soriano and Soto are hitting .227 and .228 on the season, respectively. Milton Bradley is delivering on the $26 million contract the Cubs gave him to be a middle-of-the-order hitter with a whopping 5 HRs, 16 RBI season through late June. Rich Harden and Carlos Marmol suddenly forgot how to hit their spots. The Cubs signed Kevin Gregg to become some sort of Bizarro-world closer who gift-wraps hanging off-speed pitches in clutch situations like they're Christmas presents.

And the worst part of all, is that there's nothing the Cubs can do about it: they fired Gerald Perry (hitting coach) some time ago, with just about zero effect since except on D.Lee. Lou can't string together a win streak unless it's against a bottom-feeder Indians team (with Kerry Wood throwing the games late). Payroll is too high and ownership too...well, nonexistent to trade for a difference maker. The only hope is that the Cubs are waiting for Aramis to deliver them in the second half of the season. The NL Central race this year is a joke anyway, as long as the mustached Cardinals pitcher aforementioned on YSSW continues to give up four hits, two earned in .2 IP, so it's plausible the Cubs will make a comeback and finally show up in the playoffs. But seeing as they give up 5+ runs everytime they play a team like the Detroit Tigers, it seems unlikely.

The Kinney - 'Stache Relation (AMI)

I am a contributor to the American Mustache Institute as well as this site, and since the last 'Stache blog was related to the MLB, I figured I would post it here, as well...

You wanna talk the power of the Mustached American lifestyle? Let’s talk Josh Kinney, relief pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Out of nowhere, he was one of the main tools used to create the machine that was the St. Louis Cardinals of 2006, a legit relief pitcher that paved the way for the World Series. However, a tear in his ulnar collateral ligament and an elbow fracture sidelined him for the better part of two years, sending him to the minors for quite a while. When he returned to the majors, he was sporting a beard.

Just by that fact alone, we should know how Kinney did. Poorly.

Now, he’s back, and better than ever, sporting a ‘stache. And people wonder why he’s back…morons. Those who doubt the power of the ‘stache are either uneducated or devil-worshippers. Perhaps both. Regardless, let’s review the facts…
A) Before Kinney came back (oooh…catchy song title, no?), he had a beard.
B) Now he has a moustache, and can throw over 35 mph. faster than before.

You know that scene in Angels In the Outfield when the ball gets hit and the camera rotates to show the ball has been obliterated by the bat? Well, the same thing happens to the balls Kinney throws, but they’re destroyed before they even hit the bat. Even the ground, they say, is afraid of his pitches.

Apparently Kinney took a hint from the recent growth beneath the nose of teammate Rick Ankiel, who now, due to his ‘stache, does not have to worry about being imitated on the pitchers mound. Before, if someone wanted to imitate Ankiel’s presence in any way on the mound, he would be an immediate source of derision, and probably be told to give the outfield a shot. Now, at least if it’s the moustache that’s being imitated, the bearer wears a badge of honor that is the equivalent to nitro for the hand.

You know, in this day and age, when performance-enhancing drugs are paid attention to so damn much, it’s a wonder no one has gotten the hang of the moustache. It enhanced Giambi’s numbers in his comeback from steroids with the Yankees, and Michael Phelps just beat his best time in a race recently. Brad Pitt’s in a Tarantino movie now! You know why? Because he’s wearing a mustache. Even the stupidest idiot should be able to see that if you wear a moustache, you’re a step above the rest.

Expect to see Kinney in the All Star game this year. If he’s not, the balloting is rigged, and we need to see a complete overhaul of the MLB. Selig? Maybe a ‘stache would help?

Carry on.

New Blogger On Board

We here at YSSW would like to welcome aboard Chris Lentz, who will be posting as Okapi. You should be seeing a post from him later this evening when he will show off his large wit muscles. It's a pleasure to have you on board, Okapi.

Welcome to the 2009 MLB NBA Draft

Here at Start Wedman, we like to experiment a little. I thought of this idea for a post while driving out to the suburbs in fantastic Chicago traffic last night in my air condition-less 1988 Chevy Cavalier in sweltering 100+ temps with the heat index. That heat was the only substance I needed, baby. (And the few RedBulls I drank to wake myself up this morning)

So stick with me here for a little bit... the concept of this article is what NBA prospect would the same city MLB equivalent of an NBA team take tomorrow night. That makes no sense, I know. But I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it. I think you will get the gist of the article after the first few picks, hopefully. The point of this exercise is that I just really love the NBA Draft a lot and need some way to incorporate it here. So let's roll...

1. Los Angeles Clippers = Los Angeles Angels - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
I know that the Angels are infinitely more successful than the Clippers have been or ever will be; however, they are definitely not theLakers since that distinction belongs to the Dodgers. At this spot, the Angels need a power bat with Guerrero fading worse than Kid 'n Play and the lack of any real home run threat at the corner infield spots. Although I hate Blake Griffin almost as much as Minute Maid Park, I think he would be able to provide that power the Angels are seeking.

2. Memphis Grizzlies = Memphis Redbirds = AAA affiliate of the Cardinals - Ricky Rubio, España
Obviously, if you are minor league team, you want a prospect. Ricky Rubio is young and needs grooming, send him to the fucking minors. I see him being a slap-hitting, defensive-minded shortstop with good social skills (Latin lover!)... aka everything the Cardinals are lacking right now.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder = Seattle Mariners - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn
I still refuse to accept that the Sonics no longer exist, the way Shawn Kemp refuses to accept all of his children. David Aardsma is the M's current closer. Get a real stopper, get the Towering Tanzanian.

4. Sacramento Kings = San Francisco Giants - James Harden, Arizona State
The Kings are a gay team. They wear purple. They should be playing in San Fran. James Harden looks chubby. Pablo Sandoval is chubby. Harden + Sandoval = BFFs.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - Tyler Hansbrough, UNC
White people!

6. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - BJ Mullens, Ohio State
White people again!

7. Golden State Warriors = Oakland Athletics - Stephen Curry, Davidson
Who put up better numbers than Curry last year? Billy Beane LOVES numbers.

8. New York Knicks = New York Yankees - Darren Collison, UCLA
The Yankees have to take a senior since they refuse to develop prospects. Although, they may want to move up and trade for Hansbrough because ESPN surely doesn't want to travel to all the way to Minnesota, unless Favre is involved, to cover Psycho T. Plus, Dick Vitale might die in that chilly Minnesota cold... actually... let the Twins take Hansbrough.

9. Toronto Raptors = Toronto Blue Jays - Ty Lawson, UNC
Lawson was the most injured player on the board. The Jays do love their injuries.

10. Milwaukee Bucks = Milwaukee Brewers - Johnny Flynn, Syracuse
How scrappy could Flynn be at 2B? The Brewers fans rejoice since the time of waiting for Weekes to develop is finally fucking over.

11. New Jersey Nets = New York Mets - Brandon Jennings, David Stern School of Hard Knocks
Is Jennings a warm body? Yes! Well, then the Mets could use him.

12. Charlotte Bobcats = Durham Bulls - Chase Budinger, Arizona
Budinger would have deservedly been the butt of all the jokes in Bull Durham.

13. Indiana Pacers = Indianapolis Indians = AAA affiliate of the Pirates - Jamar Smith, Illinois
The Pirates love throwing away high draft picks. Jamar loves throwing away opportunity. Good fit.

14. Phoenix Suns = Arizona Diamondbacks - Sam Young, Pitt
I had no idea who to pick here, so I randomly closed my eyes and pointed at someone still on the board. I think that Josh Byrnes did the same thing with a list of numbers when deciding what to pay Eric Byrnes.

15. Detroit Pistons = Detroit Tigers - Jordan Hill, Arizona
Motown Records tells the Tigers to take Hill thinking that he is Jordan Hill.

16. Chicago Bulls = Chicago White Sox - Tyreke Evans, Memphis
Tyreke Evans... hood-tastic? Check. ... frustrating to cheer for? Check. ... speedy? Check. Kenny Williams gives his seal of approval.

17. Philadelphia 76ers = Philadelphia Philles - Gerald Henderson, Duke
The Phillies are desperate for starting picthing with Myers being himself and Moyer finally starting to age. Greg Paulus told me that Henderson was a good pitcher to his catcher back in the day. I trust him, the dude knows his pitchers.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - Nick Calathes, Florida
Oh shit, Budinger is gone... well... oh, there's another... White people!!!

19. Atlanta Hawks = Atlanta Braves - Earl Clark, Louisville
They wanted Chris Webber because they needed someone who walks more than Jeff Francouer. Plus, C-Web reminds them of their glory days in the mid-90's. Then, the Braves woke up and realized they simply needed new talented and took the best on the board.

20. Utah Jazz = ... umm... shit.
Loss of pick due to obscure location.

21. New Orleans Hornets = Houston Astros - DeJaun Blair, Pitt
Pissed that the gayest players are off the board (Henderson and BJ Mullens), they settle for Blair to re-form the Killer B's. My head explodes with anger.

22. Dallas Mavericks = Texas Rangers - DeMar DeRozan, USC
The Rangers love shady players (A-Rod, Juan Gonzalez, Pudge, Canseco and his solid coconut). DeRozan went to USC - shady!

23. Sacramento Kings = San Francisco Giants - Eric Maynor, VCU
He was decently accurate at throwing a ball in a hoop. The Giants see this and hope that he is more accurate than Jonathan Sanchez at throwing a baseball in a mitt.

24. Portland Trailblazers = Also the Seattle Mariners - Terrence Williams, Louisville
Okay, so I feel bad for Seattle. They have been through so much. They lost the Sonics. They lost Griffey*. They lost Cobain. I will let them have two franchises in this draft and their hometown hero! Who says we can't be nice here at YSSW?
*Only to regain a shittier version of him again.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder = Seattle Mariners - Austin Daye, Gonzaga
Yay! Another local-ish product! Let's keep pretending we aren't depressed from the rain and shit! Yay!

26. Chicago Bulls = Chicago Cubs, this time - Jeff Pendergraph, Arizona State
Wow, he's an economics major? Shit, all we wanted was someone who knows how to count to three. Fuck, give him $30M too!

27. Memphis Grizzlies = Memphis Redbirds = AAA affiliate of the Cardinals - Urule Igbavboa, Valparaiso
I call up Mozeliak to make this happen. It is done. I'm first in line to get a double zero jersey.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves = Minnesota Twins - James Johnson, Wake Forest
Fuck, I'm tired of drafting. James Johnson... hmm... sounds white. Oh shit.

29. Los Angeles Lakers = Los Angeles Dodgers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA
The Dodgers have missed having someone with a fucked up first name ever since they cut Delwyn Young.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers = Cleveland Indians - Toney Douglas, Florida State
He went to FSU, so he must be okay with racism.

God, I can't wait for the draft.

Start Wedman vs Plaschke Round 1

For those of you who never read Fire Joe Morgan then this post will be refreshing and ground breaking. For those of you who have read FJM in the past this will be a blatant thievery of their ideas. Here's how these work: 1) Plaschke writes a dumb article 2) I find the article on the interwebs 3) I paste in the stupid stuff for you to read 4) I comment on why it is stupid. Pretty Simple.

Billy P. doing his thang

While the Dodgers were playing the 42nd game of Manny Ramirez's 50-game suspension Tuesday, Manny Ramirez was doing something very strange.

He was playing for the Dodgers.

Nope. No he wasn’t. He was playing for the Springfield Isotopes (or something like that, who wants to fact check?). Don’t worry Billy will figure this out soon enough.

Well, not exactly, but close enough

I knew he would figure it out. The difference between the Dodgers and the Isotopes really isn’t all that close. Manny’s performance tonight will in no way affect the winning or losing of the Dodgers. Plus, Manny will not be getting paid for this game. So he’s kind of like…suspended from the Dodgers. Weird.

Manny Ramirez playing for the triple-A Albuquerque Isotopes is as weird as the word Isotope.

This is why we made this website. Travesties like this sentence should not be occurring. This is his job. How does he keep said job?!?!?! That joke is funny on zero levels.

And why can't baseball punish a guy without also apologizing to him?

“Sorry about those 50 games, slugger. You can use our minor league club to get back in shape before the suspension ends, come back at full strength, is that OK?”

I must have missed this memo. Was it only sent to Manny? And do you think Selig calls everyone ‘slugger’? I could only hope.

Under the current rules, I don't blame the Dodgers for sending them there, and it's hard to blame Albuquerque for trying to make a few bucks off the circus, but there is something fundamentally wrong about all of this.

I don’t see why anyone would blame either the Dodgers or the Isotopes. They are playing within the rules. The only possible person Billy P. could blame is Major League Baseball, so let’s see how he blames the MLB.

When negotiating the drug policy three years ago, baseball officials felt they had to allow for minor league rehab assignments in order to get union agreement on a 50-game suspension total. The union was claiming that, otherwise, with the player needing to get back in shape, the suspensions actually would amount to more than 60 games.

I suppose that makes sense. Right, Billy P.? Now Billy P. has established the counter argument as to why the MLB should allow a “rehab” stint. Here is a good time for your argument Billy.

Officials were also receiving pressure from their clubs to allow the players to do rehab assignments during the suspensions, instead of later, so the teams did not have to pay the players while they were in the minor leagues.

Also seems pretty logical. So, Major League Baseball set forth a 50 game suspension in which the player could come back at full strength after 50 games, and the club would not suffer and have to pay for a player that is not producing. Also logical.

Alright, your argument should definitely come now.

And perhaps they hoped that everyone would be so happy the druggies were finally being punished, nobody would notice.

Well, today, we all notice.

Is anyone else happy that Billy P. used druggies? I’m elated. I just pictured him as Red Foreman irate about all the ‘hop head’ hippies promoting peace. Also, I noticed when JC Romero did a similar thing a month ago. And it’s not my job to do so.

Still, noticing that Manny is playing does not equal a reason why his “rehab” stint should not be allowed. His point must be coming soon, right?

Today, a suspended baseball player is back on a field playing baseball and making money for the same people who suspended him.

The Springfield Isotopes suspended him? Really? I did not realize they had such a power.

Today, a shamed drug offender is basking in the national attention and adulation created by the same people who shamed him.

Today, a troublemaker who is currently being suspended from high school is enjoying private tutoring from his teachers in a simulated classroom environment filled with students, and where's the learning in that?

Let’s get this over with first. I know Billy is trying for some redundancy technique that crafty writers like to use (Dave can assist me with the technical term), but he just used ‘Today’ to begin his last 4 paragraphs. That shouldn’t be allowed.

Now let us get into the delicious content he gave us. That last paragraph, it needs punctuation, a logical theme, or a point that is relevant to the argument. It delivers none. Was that his argument? The local bully does not get private tutoring after he beats up this kid, so Manny should not be allowed to play in the Minors. (Sad face)

This is not the first time this has happened this season, as the Philadelphia Phillies' J.C. Romero quietly made five appearances in the minor leagues before completing his 50-game substance suspension.

Isn’t it your job as a reporter to notice this? Shouldn’t you have made a big deal about it then?

Romero is a fairly anonymous middle reliever

Romero is a good set-up man actually. Something that shouldn’t be taken lightly in today’s game where bullpens are absolutely necessary to a team’s success.

Is Billy P. going to get to his argument, or was that bully thing it?

In the meantime, Ramirez's suspension continues to look increasingly like a nice vacation for him and a financial windfall for the Dodgers.

What? Manny lost something around $4 million due to his suspension. The Dodgers lost their best player for almost one-third of the season. I’m guessing neither party was elated about the suspension. Instead, both parties want to minimize the damage of the suspension. Hence, the “rehab” assignment.

Think about it. During the suspension, Ramirez had reaped all the rewards of being a Dodger without any of the responsibilities.

Especially the reward of getting paid.

The Dodgers have taken care of his every need -- from cough syrup to batting-practice baseballs -- without once asking him to be accountable to the community that they once considered a priority.

Okay, Manny didn’t handle his positive test publicly. However, in the eyes of America who looks better right now, A-Rod or Manny? A-Rod was roasted for apologizing. Maybe Manny is a little smarter than we think. He avoided a lot of scrutiny by side stepping the issue. O, and I forgot to make fun of the cough syrup to batting practice baseballs line. Sorry, I’m getting a little exhausted. Fill in your own joke.

they actually sent employees to Albuquerque to help him and protect him from the unwashed masses who would dare bother the great man during his courageous comeback from a female fertility drug.

Billy P. master of the hyperbole.

I guess that's cheaper than hiring a midwife.

Does he always write like this? Who is his editor?

When Manny Ramirez is old and gray and sitting outside the locked doors of Cooperstown, he might reflect on this summer as the best 50 games of his career. Or is 42 games? Or, really, was he ever gone?

It's all Isotopes to me.

Did he ever say why he thought he shouldn’t be allowed to participate in a “rehab” assignment? He said that he will be playing. Billy said that he doesn’t like it, but he never said why it isn’t alright for Manny to play in the Minors. It seems to me that the MLB had it right. The player is suspended from the Major League Ball Club (the only team that counts) for 50 games. This means that the Dodgers, and Manny, are only penalized 50 games. How is it fair that the Dodgers have to suffer through 8 extra games?