Tuesday, January 12, 2010

This is the Stupidest thing I have Ever Done

I am going to tell you about the most shocking, life altering thing that happened this week...

Mark McGwire took steroids. Wait, this isn't news? Everyone already knew this??? Ah, fuck it. I'll just write about it anyways. Anyways, if you missed (like myself) here is the full clip.

0:10 Costas: We have a considerable amount of time here.
Oh, shit. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I'll just skip around to fairly interesting parts.

0:30 Mark takes 1 minutes to answer, what year did you start using. Seriously, 1 minute to answer a 3 word answer.

1:45 Mark says that he first told his dad last week. Seriously, his dad had no idea?? Note to Big Mac's Father and son: You are both douche bags. Wait, why include his son in there? Because he is a fat little twerp that I've hated for 12 years.

2:06 Big Mac starts to tear up. This will not be the last time.

3:40 Big Mac states that he could have hit 70, and that people still talk about the home runs he hit in high school. All because of the "Man upstairs". Mac is clearly in denial. Which will make this interview fantastic.

7:15 I realize that the MLB.com video can not be skipped around on. Each time you attempt to scroll through the proceedings, it takes you to the beginning. Shame on me. Most of all shame on MLB.com. From here on out, I will just provide YouTube clips of funny parts.

How much does the Hall of Fame matter to you?
... I play for ME!!!!!! FOR ME!!!!!!!
Also, how about that truth will set you free line. What a crock of shit.

Skip to the 1:30 Mark because we've covered the rest.
Big Mac talks about Jose, the Maris', and starts crying again. Awesome, what a fucking douche bag, and hilarious. That was the range of emotions. How much of a phony does Big Mac have to be to invite the Maris' then act like he is the greatest player ever. All the while, knowing he is cheating. He couldn't hold a candle to Maris' record. Fuck you Big Mac.

I can't fucking take this shit anymore. I'm going to murder 10,000 strippers if I have to hear anymore of this. He is such a scum bag. This is what Big Mac should have said:

"Yes, I took steroids. I did it because Jose was talking about how it made him better. You know what, it made me a shit ton better. You think I could have hit 70 without them?!?!?! Not only did they help me get stronger, quicker, and stronger, I could recover from all the nagging injuries that occur over a 162 game schedule faster. They were pretty fucking awesome.

Honestly, if you were me, would you have taken steroids? Of course you would! I'm a fucking millionaire. I demolished the most storied record in all of sports. Bitches wanted to fuck me. Have you seen me? I'm not a good looking man. Yet, the hoes (dramatic pause) they didn't fucking care!!!!

If I went back in time, would I have done steroids again? Of course. I have earned more money in those short years than small nations. Was taking steroids a huge risk? Of course. I was taking advice from Jose Canseco. I know you all read that book. He had an editor and still sounded like a complete moron. That's how stupid I was... I took advice from him! Look, taking steroids worked for me. I had the perfect combination of talent and roids, and they made me awesome. Most people do not have that luxury.

Another down side to the constant roid use, and the whole having Jose Canseco as my doctor thing, I'm probably going to die 15 years prematurely. Does it matter to me? Not really. Again, I banged really hot hoes, and I had acne before I started juicing. Is it a good idea for high school kids to take roids? Hell no. Look, most likely they suck at baseball, and may make it to play at some small college. Do you really want to take 15 years off your life and end up choking out your family like all those nut job wrestlers? It's really only worth it if you can make gobs of money and bang hot chicks. Which, fortunately, I was able to do."

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