Sunday, February 28, 2010

Woah... Wait... What?

If you like me recently have been stuck in Syracuse in the middle of incessant snow and loads of work to prevent you from having fun, then you have been spending all of your free time inside watching the boob tube.  And if that's the case, then you have probably seen the following commercial:



Holy shit, right?

I have no idea as to why Dick's has decided to use Griffey for this spot.  I mean, for one, the guy can't move at all.  I'm actually kind of surprised that he didn't injury himself shooting the commercial like he played for the Orioles.  It's kind of sad that one of the greatest centerfielders of all time more likely than not had to use a stunt double in order to complete this simple commercial.  Although, it would be pretty cool to brag to all your friends about being the stuntman for Ken Griffey Jr.

But having Griffey sprint around a Dick's store is not necessarily the strangest part of the commercial.

Does anyone else find it odd that Dick's has decided to use Griffey to advertise to today's market?  I mean sure, if you are trying to sell baseball gloves to my generation, it would certainly work.  Especially if there is a fake John Hancock on the inside of the mitt.  (Back in the day, I was one of the most respected players on my baseball teams solely because I had a Bo Jackson glove and then a Deion Sanders mitt that was signed "$anders")

But the problem is that the dudes in my generation who love Griffey only need a mitt when we drunkenly play slow-pitch.  And even then, do we really need a glove or a good beer koozie more?

Duh, a beer koozie.

I bet if I asked my little brother who is actually in Dick's target market (you know, kids who actually need gloves and will buy them), he will probably ask me who Ken Griffey Jr. is.  Unfortunately, I will never ask because I don't have enough balls to face the deep depression that would follow if that situation ever happened.  I guess that at the least I have these memories to maybe cheer me up.

However, the weirdest part of the commercial... Orlando Hudson?  Who the hell uses him to sell anything?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My Absence Cannot Go Unpunished

Gents and Scalawags, I understand that my absence recently has left you questioning your man-hood, child hood dreams, and sexuality. I get that, I'm the object of your obsession. Why was I away from the blog so long? It's absolutely not because I was looking at porn and got a computer virus. Whomever is spreading that rumor is a bold faced liar.

I have the real reason I could not post on the blog, and you can find the answer in this fantastic commercial. You are not mistaken folks. That is El Duque filming the greatest cameo in commercial history. Why would Airless Water Valve want a washed up pitcher who has been retired for 3 years? No one may ever know. What I do know is that I'm still impressed by that fantastic leg kick.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dream Series

Well, considering the World Series is only a few days a way, it seems like just about anything is possible. For the past couple years, I've been pulling for an Orioles-Reds World Series with the Orioles winning in 7. With the recent signing of Miguel Tejada, I can now say it'll be on a Tejada walk-off grand slam in the bottom of the 12th with 3 balls and 2 strikes. Dreams come true.

In honor of my perfect series pick, I'll be dishing out my dream World Series matchups...

Athletics-Cardinals
Why: Tony La Russa's steroid influence on both teams. Their have been pretty-much-substantiated rumors that La Russa not only turns the other cheek when it comes to steroids, but maybe endorses it. It's awfully hard to argue that point when, on the A's side, you have McGwire, He-Man Canseco, and that random player I can't remember the name of who came out of nowhere to have an absolutely ridiculous seasons for the A's in like...'87 or something, I can't remember. Somebody asked him how he went from sucking so terribly to being so ripped and awesome one time, and he responded, "I eat my fruit loops." Fag.
On the St. Louis side we have McGwire...again...and the existence of ex-user/ex-Cardinal loser Ankiel (exiled to Kansas City with everybody else that can't find a job). La Russa is still there making terrible line-up decisions, and if you can look me straight in the face and say that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Pujols hasn't used steroids, you are a liar and a fiend.

Angels-Dodgers
Why: Nobody cares. A Subway Series or a Windy City series and everybody would watch it. Nobody, even a lot of people in LA, would care about a West Coast Series. Does anybody REALLY love the Angels outside of the movie Angels in the Outfield? No. Plus, Manny Being Manny is still hilarious.

Twins-Padres
Why: I can't imagine a more boring World Series, except maybe Kansas City/Houston or Detroit/Milwaukee.

White Sox-Cubs
Why: Not just because a Windy City Series would be incredibly awesome, but because there would be nothing funnier than having the Cubs get there, lose (preferably in a Game 7 at home) and lose to their cross-town, less popular, recently World Series-winning rivals.

Nationals-Anybody
Why: Because it would mean the 2nd coming of Christ. And Montreal would deserve it more. It'd be like the OKC Thunder going to the NBA Finals for Seattle.

Marlins-Anybody
Why: Whenever the Marlins make the playoffs, everybody assumes they'll be one-and-done. Hell, half the time, people are just like, "Since when were the Marlins in the playoffs?" Then they go and beat the NL-best Cubs or the Yankees and it's just so bizarre. You and everybody else KNOWS they don't deserve to be there, that they aren't the best team in the league. I'd love to see it happen again, then witness the fire sale on day one of the off-season. Enjoy the spoils of losing, Yankees and Red Sox.

Orioles-Reds
Why: Because it is God's chosen series.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Offseason

Ah yes, the smell of spring is in the air (except for our one East Coast reader who has another diddy of a snowstorm on the way to bury him).  Pitchers and catchers report this week, with the position players following them next week.  Sportsline.com is sending me daily emails regarding my fantasy leagues.  Ah, yes.

But the number one sign of spring and baseball being near?

I'm sitting around in my boxers on a Sunday watching Baseball Tonight.

Buster Olney is doing a thinkpiece on Carl Crawford, inevitably setting up for a season of a LeBron-like "where will he go in the offseason" that ESPN can ride until November.  If you get a chance to watch this segment, I highly suggest dropping everything in order to absorb it.  Please note how Crawford's trainer has a vocabulary stretching a formidable seventy-five words; Buster's awkward analogy of comparing one of CC's workouts to rowing a boat, to which both Crawford and his trainer are perplexed but eventually agree upon; and finally, the ability of Olney and Karl Ravech to remind us of when Crawford is a free agent around every turn.  This is going to get annoying real fast.  Instead, I would like a thinkpiece on how Carl Crawford and Vince Young are actually long lost brothers.

This past offseason has been quite strange, if you ask me.  Matt Holliday, who two years ago could have demanded A-Rod money and received it from any team, could only find one suitor for his services.  Anyone over the age of 35 without a position is still sitting on his ass at home.  And all of the fat cats owning these teams kept using the economy as an excuse to not pay market value for players, even though their revenues far outweigh their expenses.  But somehow amongst all of this, the Braves entrusted Billy Wagner to close for them for $6.75 million.  Someone please explain that move to me because I still can't comprehend it.

Meanwhile, impact players like Johnny Damon, Felipe Lopez, and Cliff Floyd remain unsigned, which leads me to my biggest discovery/realization this offseason.

My epiphany occurred when I was scrolling through the endless blah about Damon and Lopez on my MLB Trade Rumors feed one day.  I was bored of seeing who wanted to pay the least for the noodle-armed Damon and becoming excited to see what was lying in store for me on the People of Wal-Mart feed instead.  Then, I discovered this seemingly harmless headline, "Rays Sign Matt Bush."  Little did I know that my thirteen-year-old-like interest in a dude named "Bush" would accompany the awesomeness that followed.

I assume that most people on this blog read MLB Trade Rumors quite regularly or at least know the format and style of the site.  So you know what I mean when I say that the posts (not necessarily all of the comments) are a little bland.  They feel like press announcements from the McDonald's PR department promoting their desire to fight childhood obesity.  Matt Bush's post was extremely controversial compared to most posts, and definitely eye-opening.

I had no idea that Matt ("The Bush" as I will be calling him from now on) Bush was such a douchebag.  And now I had a new douchey athlete to cheer for (because like Dave, I often cheer for the openly douchey athletes because unlike the rest, all of whom are douches, who jump through all sorts of hoops to avoid the public seeing their true douchiness, like Tiger, guys like Dennis Rodman, Ron Artest, and "The Bush" just let it all out; it's refreshing actually).

However, everything behind Matt Bush is quite vague from what I have found.  And by what I have found, I mean reading his Wikipedia and Google results.  And here's what we do know about him:

1. He was suspended pretty much immediately after being taken number one overall (in front of Jeff Niemann, Stephen Drew, and Jered Weaver, as his Wiki mentions... like those guys would have done a great job of living up to #1 hype at this point in their careers) due to a fight outside of an Arizona nightclub.  Which I think is pretty logical, I mean, who wouldn't want to punch this kid?

2. He sucked as a shortstop, so the Padres thought they would just fuck around with their number one overall pick and convert him to a pitcher.  I mean why the hell not?  He turned out to be so good, that he was cut from the roster in the spring last year in favor of Cliff Floyd.  (See, now that whole Cliff shout out earlier comes full circle, boom, roasted)

3. Not only was he designated for Cliff Floyd due to lack of skill, but also because he was fighting with high school lacrosse players.  A visual of "The Bush" fighting Chris Klein immediately popped into my head, just barely beating out the image of "The Bush" being a douchey version of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused.

4. After trading for him, the Blue Jays outright released Bush based on their zero tolerance behavioral policy for something so vague (or hopefully, unmentionable), I have been unable to find anything.  I assume that "The Bush" told Vernon Wells that he sucks.

Overall, Bush is really just one drug addiction away from becoming the next Josh Hamilton story.  But I (ironically) pray that he doesn't find Jesus.  Because I don't know if I can stand a summer of ESPN berating me with feel good Bush stories to accompany the Crawford talk.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My late-early/early-mid February thoughts...

Well, now that the Indianapolis Colts have shattered my Hoosier heart into billions of pieces via the Who Dat Saints, I have two professional sports to turn to in this country that I know more about than hockey (which I love, but secretly don't really give a rat's ass abotu): the MLB and the NBA. So, because I know less about the MLB than the NBA, I'll start with the MLB and it can get better from that point.

Chien-Ming Wang, the one-time well-thought-of Yankee who is now looking elsewhere despite the fact he won 19 games in two consecutive seasons. Too bad he's done what most Chinese players do in the MLB - get hurt - for the past two seasons, and hasn't really performed since 2007. Going 1-6 in summer play IS summer play, but when 9.64 ERA in 12 games IN SUMMER PLAY, you aren't going to stay. So. Where is the genius looking? The Nationals (and one other team too embarassed to be mentioned alongside the nationals). Washington DC - where minorities march and baseball players go to die.

Johnny Damon is probably going to play for the Braves, so at least the Red Sox won't hate him NEARLY as much now that he's old and decrepit. At least an Indian is playing for some Indians.

Buster Olney said that the White Sox coaching staff is excited because of Jake Peavy's infectious personality. As long as the infection isn't injuries - or staph - there may be reason to be excited on the South Side again that extends beyond watching the North Side flounder. Listen to this rotation: Jake Peavy, Mark Buehrle, Gavin Floyd, John Danks, and Freddy Garcia. That is sick. Like, really sick. Now, as long as Big Boy Bobby Jenks doesn't up and turn into the next Gagne, things might actually get relatively interesting for the men in black.

Well...creativity is gone. But hey, at least I posted something.

Snap.