Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Need Your Help

Attention all reader(s): I need your help diagnosing this problem. I saw a young fat Mexican on the TV, and I need an answer; who does this young man look like? I've heard many names bandied about: Carlos Zambrano, Carlos Silva, Eddie Guardado, and The Fat Black Lost Boy. I am relying on you to provide me this answer. Please leave your suggestions in the comments section.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

50 Greatest White Sox Debunked

Sun-Times you've done it again. You have successfully compiled the single worst list in sports. Yes, the Chicago Sun-Times decided to rank the 50 Greatest White Sox of All Time. I'm not sure on this, but I believe their sole reason for doing this was to catch a glimpse into the sucktitude of the White Sox franchise. Let's begin...

50. Ray Durham. 7 seasons. This guys actually made the list???? Don't get me wrong, I love me some Ray-Ray, but 7 mediocre seasons and that puts you on the All-Time great list. This is a bad start.

49. AJ Pierzynski. Check that, this guy has 4 mediocre seasons. Where's my beer?

48. Joe Crede. This is like torture. Crede fucking sucked for a solid 6 years with the Sox. He had 2 good seasons. Luckily, one of them came in 2005. Still if you said this pud whack made any other teams 50 Greatest (this includes the Rays) you would be a fucking moron.

46. Roberto Hernandez!!!! I can not make this shit up. This is how awful the Sox past has been. I wonder which other team would have this bad of a Top 50? The Mets may have a shot right?

43. Chico Carrasquel. I'm convinced the only reason he made this list is because Ozzie loved him as a kid. On that note... Please don't rank Ozzie 13... Please don't rank Ozzie 13. I really don't want to have to look up his painfully bad offensive statistics.

41. Ozzie Guillen. Whew! Dodged at heart explosion bullet. I really truly thought this writer would be dumb enough to rank him really high. Fortunately, he was just dumb enough to rank him. Which he should not be. (13 seasons with the Sox, a career: 1,764 H in 1,993 Games, 28 Ya Bombs, an anemic 773 Runs, topping the charts at 71 his rookie season, even worse 619 RBI, .264 AVG, .287 OBP!!!!, .626 SLUG!!!) I know he is not a power guy, or even an offense guy, but here is a hilarious stat... .47 BB/K ratio. He could not hit, choose pitches to swing at, or make contact. He is #41.

40. Jim Thome. This may be the worst selection on the list. Did this writer do any homework, or just write down last years roster. I hope Scotty Pods isn't on this list. I really hope Juan Pierre isn't on this list. I would be moderately fine with Nick Punto on this list because his crap ass play has probably helped the Sox a lot over the years.

38. Nick Altrock. You have no idea who he is right? That's fine just look at this, 62-39 from 1904-06. 3 seasons in which you pitch a lot of games. That is all it takes.

36. Bill Melton. First, I hate you during Sox post-game. Second, you weren't that good of a player. Although, that was not a pre-requisite for anyone else on the list.

32. Hoyt Wilhelm, P 1963-68 In his 40s during his six seasons with the Sox... That line is all you need to know to gauge how good he was with the Sox.

29. Jack McDowell. I suppose this is not a horrible selection after seeing the rest of the list. Still, Black Jack at 29 is a little sad... (7ish seasons, 20 wins twice, was the best pitcher on a bunch of shitty Sox teams, pitched a lot of innings with minimal BB and K's, 2.22 K/BB ratio. Good, but not great.

28. Lefty Williams. Seriously, we need to get off the fucking Black Sox. They may have been a good team, who the fuck knows anymore it happened 90 years ago. No one remembers a single player, and their careers were all way too fucking short because they cheated the game. They should not be looked at in legend, but in wasted potential.

27. Jermaine Dye. Really? An aging slugger, who had his best years pre leg snap? He had a short stint at the end of his career with the Sox. In 20 years people will remember him for his World Series MVP, not for his regular season accomplishments. For an organization that has won 2 Rings in many years, I think both should come into play a little more, not just the World Series rings.

23. Wilbur Wood. Knuckleballer. Standout reliever. How hard would it have been to give Jordan the #23 spot.

20. Mark Buehrle. I've had many arguments about Buehrle's pitching prowess, but I do not have a problem with his spot on the list here. Actually, the past 3 spots were all good (last two were catchers who actually had good numbers, go figure)

19. Billy Pierce. This guy is overrated in Sox history. Buehrle is no doubt better than him.

18. Buck Weaver. 2 Black Sox. This is just the start. There were 8 players banned. How many are going to make a high spot on this list??? Far too many.

17. Carlton Fisk. Played very well with the White Sox. Unfortunately, people only remember his better years with the Red Sox.

15. Robin Ventura. For a very solid, but unspectacular player for many years, this is high on the list. Ideally, I would like Ventura 30-40 on the list. I feel that is where he would be with most organizations.

13. Ed Cicotte. #3. Not only that, but he was the leader. He cheated the game the most! It is a shame how heroic the Black Sox have become.

12. Harold Baines. I wish I hadn't written so much already about other jamokes earlier. If you are still reading this thank you, and this is the most furious I will be all article. Harold Baines fucking sucked!!!! He should not have a statue. Or his number retired. Twice!!!! He was a below average DH that played for somewhere around 20 years. This does not make you good at baseball. I feel that Baines is no different than Julio Franco, possibly a little worse. The only reason he holds up over time is because he played here so long. Lets look at the numbers... Parts of 14 seasons with the Sox. Most HR in a season, 29 (remember this is your DH/slugger). Typically posting lost 20's in HR, pathetic even for this era. .289 Career AVG. Had 100 RBI's twice with the Sox (was frequently in the middle of their order). Career SLUG of .465. Career OBP of .356 (inflated by a few years with the O's). This is not even close to the 12th best player in Sox history. This bum shouldn't have even made the list.

10. Ted Lyons This is a fine selection. He wouldn't even be a bad Top 20 player for most organizations.

7. Luis Aparicio. Very good player. Hall of Fame player. Unfortunately, he has been set in the White Sox lore. This is not a player that should have a statue. This is a very nice player, but the Sox history has sucked so much they made him better than he actually was.

6. Dick Allen (1972-74) Yes, that's right folks, the 6th best player played 3 seasons with the Sox. This is a travesty.

5. Joe Jackson (1915-1920) #4. Half of the Black Sox made it onto this list. That is a shame. On a different note did you know Shoeless Joe was 7 feet tall, and killed men by the hundreds and shot lightning bolts out of his ass? (1:45 mark)

3. Eddie Collins. He was good. In many phases of the game. I like his placement here.

2. Luke Appling. Very good. For many years. Unfortunately, he actually is our 2nd best player of all time.

Leading to the most unshocking, least deserving best player in any team history...

1. Frank Thomas. Don't get me wrong, I loved The Big Hurt. He would absolutely be in the Top 5 for almost every team. However, when I want to think of the best player in the organizations 100+ years I want to think of Cobb, Rose, Killebrew, Ruth, Musial, Mays, Jeff Conine, Larry Walker, Ripken, and Williams. I think the only other team that would be on par with the Sox is the Mets. And being compared with the Mets aint a good thang.