Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I Want My Baby D-backs Back

An attempt to join our super-cool blog from frequent commenter and sometimes friend, Tristan:
Before the start of this year’s baseball season I could not have been happier. I bought multiple t shirts, a new baseball hat, and the premium version of With the additions of Kelly Johnson, Adam LaRoche, Ian Kennedy, and Edwin Jackson, this was the year that the Arizona Diamondbacks would blow away the NL West and contend for the National League title.
And then Brandon Webb went down... again. And then I realized that the D-backs added Bob Howry to their bullpen. And then I found out that Billy Buckner sucked so much d, that Rodrigo Lopez would jump to the 4th starter. Now 34 games in, the D-backs are already 7 games out and many have already talked about them becoming sellers at the deadline.
So like many other baseball fans, I am scrambling to place the blame on how this season has started off so poorly. So through the many tears I have shed at night, I have come up with four (first I had 10, then 5, then settled on 4) reasons that the Diamondbacks are struggling.
4. The Eric Byrnes Effect - The Arizona payroll was hit with a $10 million blast when executives ate a big one and released the troubled, and often broken outfielder. How can you sign big name players when you sign awful players to worse contracts. Thanks Josh Byrnes for paying Eric to play old man softball.
3. Old People – In 2009, the D-backs averaged 26,286 people at their home games. While that number sounds great if you are the Marlins or Athletics, Bank One Ballpark can actually hold 44,000+. Yes, the ballpark has really loud music and also a sweet pool in the outfield, but Phoenix is really just one big retirement community. Old people hate the team and further deter people from going to games. D-backs fans would rather knit or play shuffle board than attend a home game
2. Mark Grace – Great announcer, funny guy, but always associated with losers. Yes, I know that for the last 3 years of his career he was a D-back, but seriously, for 13 years he was a Chicago Cub For 13 years of his life, he knew nothing but how to lose. Now he has taken all of that information and passed it on to everyone in the Arizona organization. Fire him, and then we’ll see how it goes.
1. Global Warming – Last season saw the Diamondbacks lose Brandon Webb to an elbow injury, Bob Melvin to peer pressure, Scott Schoeneweis’s mental state (that was low, sorry), both of Eric Byrnes’s quads, Connor Jackson to Valley Fever, and finally their dignity. There is no other way to explain this terrible string of incidents other than global warming. It affects us all in many ways, including the stars of the MLB.
So yes, I realize that 34 games is merely a fifth of the season and there is a lot of time to turn it around, but I still have cause to worry. As a strong Phoenix fan (Coyotes and Suns too), there are many examples from my lifetime where an Arizona team has let me down.


  1. Did you happen to catch Byrnes' stat line:
    .094/.237/.156 with zero homers and zero RBI over 15 games

    This is why I felt the team that got Eric Byrnes in my fantasy league should be paid to take him.

  2. In all seriousness. . .I ended up drafting him. The BOL just released him.

  3. Sweet copy and paste job, Zach.

    As chief editor, I will fix this later. In the mean time, you're reprimanded.

  4. Alright - fixed.

    Solid post, Tristan. But I can't believe you actually thought the D-backs were gonna be good. Your terrible ideas might just be bad enough to write full time...

  5. How about Mark Grace helping the Diamondbacks win their only World Series in 2001? Grace lead off the bottom of the 9th inning comeback rally with a single. His .515 batting average in League Championship Series play is a record for players in at least 10 games.

  6. I'm glad that you straight up copied and pasted lines from Mark Grace's Wikipedia into your comment.

  7. A single is nice, but I'm pretty sure it was Tony Womack and Gonzo that saved the day. I'm surprised that no one is talking about the inning that Mark Grace pitched for them with his 70 mph heater.

  8. Wikipedia is now accepted in many academic institutes. I'm not trying to re-invent the wheel here. Relaying facts is just plagiarism anyway. Bottom line not a loser if he is a staple in a world series title team.

  9. Where did you get those 3 sentences from. None of them make sense together. Are you using Stumble to formulate thoughts now?

  10. Go fuck yourself, everyone.

  11. 1) Mark Grace's middle name is Eugene. Enough said.

    2) Also, the other night Mark was more worried about being thrown in the outfield pool than the game itself. He spent 3 innings trying to get fans to stop texting his name.

    3) I wish fans had this much passion about defending Eric Byrnes.