Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Would You Like to Hear About Doug Glanville's Career?

Stop. Collaborate and Listen. Glanville's back with another piece of shitty writing. Good looking out to reader Chris who sent in this peach of a column by long time terrible outfielder Doug Glanville.

Why players own one-on-one matchups

Baseball loves the story of the matchup. The day in, day out, one-on-one battles give a different twist to what we think of as a team sport. It is pitcher CC Sabathia versus hitter Evan Longoria

Ok, that is a pretty fun match up to watch...

or catcher Ivan Rodriguez versus speed demon Michael Bourn,

Less fun to watch, especially since they played on the same team, and their teams have faced each other exactly 3 times (June 15-17, 2007) in their careers. (The new version of StartWedman does limited research to prove points).

...or manager Tony La Russa versus manager Dusty Baker.

Seriously Doug!!!!! You should be murdered... Hopefully by some coked out pissed off strippers. Don't get me wrong, I do not agree with all of La Russa's philosophies, but comparing his to Baker??? That is the equivalent of comparing The Beatles to Three 6 Mafia.

With all of these events, it makes sense that along the way, someone is prevailing at a much higher rate than what a coin toss would dictate.

Please let me get all Math-ed up on Dougy. Odds on a coin flip: 50-50, great success rate for batters: 30% of the time getting a hit, not exactly a coin flip is it?

This makes us feel there are other powers at work -- it could be the lucky socks, it could be the lighting, it could be that Sabathia likes Tampa's fishing spots.

AAAWHHHATTTTT???? Yes, I do believe the reason that CC Sabathia has owned the Rays in his career is because of fishing spots, or lighting, not because the Devil Rays sucked major penis in CC's first 7 seasons in the majors. I do think lucky socks has a lot to do with it. I also think Joe Morgan makes insightful comments during broadcasts. Wait a second, I'm not a complete dumb fuck, so I don't think any of those things.

Some matchups are more like full smackdown. Joe Mauer dominates Joel Pineiro. Ichiro wears out Vicente Padilla.

Simple explanation: Mauer is good, Pineiro sucks. Ichiro is really good, Padilla really sucks.

As my career went on, I came to understand what seemed to be at work in these matchups.

This is a good time to point out Glanville's career numbers: 1,115 G over 9 seasons, .277 AVG, 59 HR, 553 R (about 61 runs a season), 333 RBI, 168 SB. Decent numbers, but here is where it gets good, remember Doug was a lead off/speedy guy: 0.44 BB/K, 0.315 OBP!!, 0.695 OPS. Doug I wouldn't have mentioned your lack luster numbers if you didn't mention your career. I absolutely hate how average players always use their careers to boast their reputation in their writing and on TV. Its not necessary. We know you know baseball, no need to mention your garbage career.

Also, this is a good time to mention Doug's middle name:

I will only be calling him Metunwa the rest of this article.

Baseball already has situational obsessions. If my team is heading to San Diego for a three-game series, the bench coach isn't doing his job if he doesn't know how well I hit against the Padres' left-handed pitchers. Even if I am in a 1-for-22 slump, if I am a .400 hitter at Petco Park and Mat Latos can't get me out, those things should play a role in making out the lineup that day.

After playing long enough, I began to have a sense of whom I would fare well against. It wasn't from a lack of confidence or overconfidence; it just became part of my understanding of my own hitting style and swing. Sinkerball pitchers drove me up the wall. One of two things happened when I faced a pitcher like Derek Lowe or Brandon Webb: I swung and missed, or I fouled a pitch off my shin.

Amount of times Metunwa faced Brandon Webb: 0

But in time, I devised a plan. I knew I could not hit the sinker effectively, so I heeded the advice of my hitting coach in Philadelphia, Hal McRae: "Just eliminate that pitch." Translation: You can't hit it, so don't worry about it unless you have absolutely no choice but to swing at it. As a result, my approach against Lowe and Webb was to sit on the slider.

As stated before a simple 2 minute search on Baseball Reference yielded 0 At Bats between Brandon Webb and Metunwa.

I believe that is the reason why Metunwa fared so well against Webb's sinker.

If Lowe thought he was on easy street when he was facing me, Andy Benes saw me as the dark alley. It seemed that whenever I walked into the batter's box against Benes, I got a hit (.452 career batting average). Everything he threw hit the barrel of my bat. It is no secret that Troy Glaus, who had the only two hits the Braves could muster off Jamie Moyer in nine innings on May 7, has hit the Phillies' lefty well during his career (.350). Although a pitcher might have dominated on a given day, it might not tell you how you will hit him the next time.

Not only is the writing leaving something to be desired, but does anyone care about any of the players he is listing? And why does Metunwa feel he has to harp on his own career. I don't really care about your career, Metunwa!

Domination isn't always in the hands of the guy on the mound or the guy with the bat; it can be environmental.

I love semicolons!

The Braves had a ridiculously good pitching staff year in and year out during their long run of NL East titles, but I fared well enough against them on my home turf, be it Philly or Chicago. Turner Field, however, was another story. Even if I came into the series on a 15-for-28 tear, I usually would leave Atlanta with one or at most two hits in a three-game series.

If you need an example of Metunwa's writing style please see this paragraph. Run on sentence, check. Improper use of commas, check. Incomplete sentences, check. Talking about himself, check mate.

Allow me to introduce the part of the piece where Metunwa no longer tries to write, and decides name dropping is the way to go...

When you look at the big picture, as I can now do with a career in the books, the patterns jump out more clearly. It wasn't really about Benes; it was about any power pitcher who had a four-seamer that he'd elevate in the zone. So I also felt comfortable and hit well against Curt Schilling, Kevin Brown and Woody Williams. (It's too late for them to try to brush me back.) On the flip side, Tom Glavine, Kirk Rueter, Sterling Hitchcock, Webb and Lowe lowered my batting average time and time again. Even when I was riding high on confidence, I felt off balance against those guys (and the numbers back it up).

I don't even care to look up how you did against these pitchers. I'm sure you were not even close to exemplary. You've broken my will to be a smart ass.

Instead of putting you through more misery reading Metunwa's terrible writing, I will give you a quick synopsis of the rest of the article.

Teams did not play me when I sucked ass, even when I was hitting 2-5 in my career against a pitcher.
The organization did not care.
Intangible Gorilla. (He really said this. I have no clue what it means)
I did things. Somehow I was still an average baseball player. My overall averageness has put me in a position in which I can ramble about my averageness for 2,000 words.
Chris Carpenter pitches well against the Pirates.
More name dropping without actually giving any information.


  1. I read the article on ESPN.com, there were only 5 comments. These are my favorite that were posted at the time of my reading. (Yes I copy and pasted this, I figured this was an acceptable time to use it)

    1.omnivoreceo (5/18/2010 at 4:49 PM)
    I'm glad to see you're here. I enjoyed your work immensely in the NY Times.

    2.rabbi2287 (5/18/2010 at 12:57 PM)
    Excellent writing, Mr. Glanville.
    Go Phillies!

    3.RaynTrouble (5/18/2010 at 12:18 PM)
    Glanville you were a pleasant surprise (for me anyway) as a player, and now again as a writer. Nice stuff, dude.

  2. Please do not make fun of Joel Pineiro. Next time you do, I will force you to come to my place and stare at the NL-only Championship bobblehead adorning my desk that he won for me.

    Also, since when was Woody Williams considered a power pitcher?