Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My Favoritest Twitterer

When Al Gore invented the Internet long ago, twitter must have been somewhere in his top five things that he wanted to see happen, slightly behind Redtube (that's a proper noun, right?).  There is no better idea than allowing celebrities and normal people to have platform to express themselves in 140 characters.  The simplicity is genius and allows over-analytical types with too much time on their hands like me to read into tweets like "out partyin yo" for the greater meaning behind a celeb's life.

I know that a few of you are already thinking, "What the hell, you don't even have a twitter account."  Yes, I know.  See, I just don't think that my daily thoughts and actions are actually twitter-worthy when compared to the likes of the Sklar Brothers or Shaq.  My tweets would read things like, "Lost balance on El, fell into middle-aged balding dude... embarrassing" or "Forgot to buy TP yesterday, using paper towels to wipe my ass... embarrassing" or "Monday night = Bachelorette night, totally picking Cape Cod Chris as my fave... embarrassing."  I get made fun of enough for my chubby complexion, no need to add fuel to the fire, right?

But thankfully I have the Startwedman twitter account to track my hands down, all-time favorite twitter account, that of our hero, Jose Canseco.

No matter what Jose seems to be up to, I always find it interesting and entertaining even though his tweets are seemingly sporadic and pointless.  Some of my all time favorites include when he updates me on what's happening in his daily life like "Time to work out" or "Out to dinner with [his girlfriend]."  He will even let me know that his girlfriend enjoys making him food in the morning (others will then add their terrible opinions on the matter, although I guess I am too, damn it).  These are things that normal people do as well, hence why I call them "normal guy" tweets, but only Jose makes them seem so so much more fascinating.  I account most of this to the fact that I can hear him actually saying these things to me in my head, much like his books.  The "Jose Canseco Voice" when reading is in my top five favorites along with Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, Lil Wayne, and Ernest Hemingway.

But in addition to the "normal guy" tweets previously mentioned, there are two other types of Jose tweets I have categorized.  The first is the "silencing the haters" tweets that he often has to shoot out.  These are highly entertaining tweets, but also highly predictable in their tone and nature.  The entertainment factor comes into play because Jose will usually have a string of "normal guy" tweets with a few "silencing the haters" tweets mixed in to respond to all the followers spitting venom at him.  When this happens, I refer to the situation as "Jose Cookie Dough Ice Cream" since the hater tweets are little sweet nuggets of fun amongst the bland, vanilla every day happenings.  I'm patenting that phrase by the way.

However, the last category of Jose tweets are the best.  These are the "WTF" tweets when Canseco will inform me of things that completely baffle me.  A good example of one happened two weeks ago when Jose let the world know that he would be kicking it with Drew Carey via this tweet.  (You will find my response to his tweet here)  Originally, I would have categorized this tweet in the "normal guy" folder since I would attend every taping of The Price Is Right possible if I lived in LA.  But that was the only tweet relating to his attendance of the taping mentioned on twitter.  Even my prompting couldn't get a rise out of Jose as he was back to "silencing the haters" in his next shout out to the twitter world.  Another day of solid "WTF" tweets takes place on May 20th, when Jose subtly asks why no one has asked him to manage an MLB club, then blows off his anger by purchasing a car in thirty minutes.  Honestly, thirty minutes to buy a car?  I can't even decide which case of $15 beer I want to purchase for the weekend in thirty minutes, let alone purchase an entire vehicle.  I wish I could know what I want just like Jose.

Even though the tweets from Jose Canseco alone provide me with plenty of enjoyment, the truest reason I love his tweets is because of what I mentioned early... the deeper level behind all of his twitter activity.  I know, I know, you probably think that I'm crazy to think that Jose is trying to say something bigger with this simple tweets regarding lifting weights.  But I really do believe he is a genius, maybe unintentionally, for all his career moves after retiring from baseball.  His twitter account is no exception.

Maybe you think that his absurd dealings in minor league baseball as a pitcher, appearance on The Surreal Life, or career in boxing/MMA are all desperate attempts to relive the glory days and inflate his already large ego, but I think otherwise.  I actually feel bad for the guy that he has had to do all of these things.  Without these moves, do you think he gets the book deal in order to break the steroids news to the world?  No.  Without the amount of PR that came from these maneuvers, no one is going to give him a shot at writing the book.  But thankfully he took the shots he needed in order to throw a mirror at baseball.  It's sad but true.  And when I read Jose's tweets, I'm reminded of this fact in the back of my head.  Maybe that's why I enjoy them so much.

I think I just spent almost a thousand words defending Jose Canseco.  Woah.

Although, a 3.9 forty time?  Okay, that's a little crazy.  I can't even come close to touching a defense for that.


  1. Please tag Jose Cookie Dough Ice Cream, and possibly chubby complexion (this way I can write about Billy Butler)

  2. I was considering calling it "Jose Cansecoookie Dough Ice Cream." Thankfully, sanity and simplicity won out when I axed the idea.

  3. The Price Is Right was one of the best parts of freshman year. Bob Barker will likely out live all of us.

    Cooly did you ever get that free gift from AARP you called in for during the show?