Monday, May 3, 2010

Obvious Steroids User 5/4/10

Almost one month to the date of my last post, and I can say that I finally see the light of summer and freedom to blog.  Although it is not quite Memorial Day, the schedule of busy-time work and review classes has lightened enough for me to think a little.

Alright, alright, I'm fucking lying.  The truth of the matter is that I'm supposed to be studying for my first CPA exam right now and need a break.  I figure that since this is my second profession, what better way to feel like I'm not wasting time than bringing back everyone's favorite endeavor of this blog... the Obvious Steroids User.

And this week's (or year's) honoree is not much of a stretch, but I figured he's also a timely choice, given his timely DL stint.  So, BRIAN ROBERTS, let's take a look at your shady career happenings.

Umm... holy shit.

Of course, there is not much speculation that I have to put into this one since Roberts outright said that he injected himself with roids like just one or two times.  You know, just a couple times.  Just the way that Charlie Sheen tried nose candy a few times.  No big deal... just a few times.  (Shit, I just made a Charlie Sheen joke... I'm rusty)

Supposedly, B-Robs used to recreationally explore the metal-bending possibilities of steroids with none other than one of our faves, Larry Bigbie.   And supposedly, these so called completely hetero, naked needle pokings happened in 2003.  

And guess whose numbers jumped in 2003 for a break out year?  That's right, Roberts, a career .244 hitter known for his speed and glove, not his .327 SLG%, managed a very modest uptick to a SLG% of .367 as he tied down the O's starting second base position. 

But things didn't stop there whatsoever.  In 2003, Roberts managed to hit five home runs.  In 2005, he managed eighteen and has maintained levels in that ballpark ever since then.

Now, yes, I know that I'm sort of jumping to conclusions here.  But does it not seem that he's always injured all the time, too?  Right now, he's struggling with a herniated disc and before that, I swear he always has something nagging him.  But maybe I have just invented that notion in my head after all these years.

See, the reason that I always stay away from Brian Roberts in fantasy is because I consider him such an injury risk.  And now that I have looked over his stats over these past few years that I swear he only played half of, I can see why my typical and very lowly Adam Kennedy/Felipe Lopez combo at second base is consistently getting spanked.

And you know what, Brian Roberts, maybe I never should have doubted you because in 2005 when you went nuts, I took you in the later rounds and lead me to a first place finish (that I eventually blew in the first round of the playoffs, of course).  I should have been on your side because of this, in addition to your spectacular manly handsomeness.

But after pondering this post all day, I have realized why I actually scorn you, Brian Roberts.  You, in fact, suck in MVP 2005.  You always look to have so much promise as a 26 year-old in that game, but you always go and bat .260 your first season, which also happens to be your peak.  By the age of 29, you are typically starting in AA and still earning $3M since I always buy into your promise.  Well, here's payback for that.  Welcome to the OSU club, thank you very much.

God, I'm petty.

Also, when I finally secure the funds to build an actual Hall of OSUs (the designs are in the works), I will have two distinct wings to commemorate two of the greatest things to happen to the world of steroids - the Texas Rangers Hall & the Baltimore Orioles Hall.  Sorry, Jose, I know you wanted your own wing, but maybe you can have the naming rights to the atrium if you pay me enough?

1 comment:

  1. You should put the Hall of OSU's down the street from Just like Pete Rose's place and the regular Hall.