Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Ceasar Salad

This gets referenced/lost every 4 months by one of our writers. I decided to post it directly to our blog, so we will never lose it again.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

MLBTR Roundup

I haven't consistently read MLB Trade Rumors this year, which deeply saddens me. As one of their pioneer readers (MLBTR was started just 3 months before Cooly and I began reading. Nerd street cred!!! I just did several fist pumps to celebrate my heroics.), I am disgraced by my lack of loyalty for a blog that has been so good to me in the past.

A beautiful thing happened last week, which may have turned my spirits and this blogs lifeline around. My brand new job has virtually no Internet restrictions (the only website blocked is FIFA.com, suck it soccer!). This means I have 45 minutes every lunch time to read up on terrible writers and blog. I'm sure you all are as happy about this as I am.

One of the things that turned me off to MLBTR recently was the loss of humor from the site. More hired part time posters started working there, and with less Tim Dierkes postings we had less opportunities for quips about Fernando Tatis and Reggie Sanders. A few things on MLBTR stuck out today, which I think you all should know about. When speaking about the White Sox pursuit of Adam Dunn, Tim gave us this tasty lick:

The 30-year-old Dunn is hitting .276/.366/.559 with 17 home runs in 314 plate appearances this season. The batting average would be the highest of his career, his 11.5% walk rate the lowest. The White Sox have gotten just a .218/.293/.371 line out of the DH spot, with Mark Kotsay getting the most starts there.

Seriously, they are batting .218!!!! That is horrible. What is worse is the DH spot has an OBP of .293. This is atrocious. The 2008 Mariners wouldn't have stood for this kind of production. And they allowed Jose Vidro to bat the majority of the time! (Not to be confused with Fernando Vina, which I always do)

Ben Nicholson-Smith gave us another morsel of excitement when he added this to another post:

MLB.com's Anthony Castrovince hears that Sal Fasano, who currently manages in Toronto's system, is an early candidate to replace Cito Gaston as the Blue Jays' manager in 2011. Fasano, 38, had an 11-year MLB career that included a stint with the Jays in 2007.

The MLBTR I know would have unabashedly made fun of Fasano's lack of skill and willingness to sport a great mustache. Because Tim no longer shares his bouts of comedic wisdom with us, I will have to append my own thoughts to the end of the Sal Fasano bulletin.

...Fasano, 38, had an 11-year MLB career that included a stint with the Jays in 2007, three trips to a barber, and reportedly 7 showers has spent the majority of his coaching much like his playing career, drinking truck loads of Old Style, belching Led Zepplin, and giving great massages.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

One Year

Happy birthday to us.  One year, we made it.  Thanks for sticking with us, as this is only the beginning.

Now, dear inanimate blog, the song I dedicate to you...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Jeter Outraged. Cano Loved.

This post is not going to talk about how Robinson Cano has been on an absolute tear through the majors. No, we are talking some Gaga.

This story broke earlier today after New York's #1 transvestite paid a visit to the Yankees, clubhouse...

'Gross' Gaga's a skankee

Thank you, New York Post! I'm quite certain titles do not get better than this.

She's persona non Gaga.

The NY Post then gave all the readers a clear warning: If you did not realize this story was going to be horrible after the title, please do not read past this first line.

A fuming Hal Steinbrenner informed Yankee Stadium executives that Lady Gaga is permanently banned from the team's clubhouse after her boozy antics -- including swigging whiskey and repeatedly fondling her boobs

This kind of behavior never got David Wells booted from the clubhouse. New Yankee Stadium must have higher standards.

The songstress and two girlfriends sauntered their way into the Bombers' clubhouse -- without team approval -- and hung out for 30 minutes after the team lost to the Mets.

After the game, Alex Rodriguez was questioned and told reporters, "It's bad enough that we lost to a team managed by Jerry Manuel, but then we were forced to watch seemingly the worst threesome of all time occur." The only solace the Yankees can take out of this is they no longer have Hideki Matsui to make the threesome uglier.

She met six players -- including Alex Rodriguez and Robinson Cano -- while the "Poker Face" singer kept slurring her words trying to say how much she loved the Yankees and how thrilled she was to be inside the exclusive area, sources said.

Gaga, drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey, was wearing a Yankees jersey half-unbuttoned, exposing her black bra, fishnet stockings and a bikini bottom.

I cannot blame her attire. Every time I drink me some Jameson I end up wearing the same thing. Except I usually snake my way into Cooly's closet and don his neon green Devil Rays jersey.

But apparently she didn't think that was enough to catch the players' eyes, so she kept groping her chest over her jersey.

Apparently the NY Post did not think it was enough. They had to add photographic evidence, forcing me to tear my eyeballs out.

The show inside the clubhouse was news to Yankees brass.

Hal, who is co-chairman with brother Hank, club president Randy Levine, general manager Brian Cashman and manager Joe Girardi all had no idea she was going to show up, sources said.

In fact, when a Post reporter told Cashman about Gaga's presence, Cashman said, "What? I didn't know that," and stormed off.

Cashman was pissed that Nick Johnson didn't tell him. Cashman loves GAGA!

Sources said Gaga, who left through a private exit, smooth- talked her way past stadium security.

She was so drunk she had to leave a Major League Baseball locker room, yet she was able to smooth talk security. Clearly she does not know how to party. She could learn a thing or two from Todd Hundley. If you are going to get drunk, get so drunk you can not speak.

The bizarre incident was the 24-year-old raunchy songstress' second recent run-in at a baseball game.

Gaga, who has called herself a lifelong Yankee fan, caused a spectacle at Citi Field on June 10.

She showed up in the fifth-inning and threw a tantrum when she was seated in the front-row.

I suppose I would also be outraged when put in the first row. I mean how am I supposed to get crunk so close to the field. In those seats she can't adequately flaunt her lovely lady (possibly man) humps.

After cursing out nearby photographers, she forced the team to move her to Jerry Seinfeld's luxury box.

Witnesses say they saw Seinfeld with a can of lighter fluid and matches in his luxury box after the game.

Then she flipped off the Flushing crowd with both fingers after swilling beers.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

2010 MLB Draft Thoughts

The 2010 MLB Draft happened last week.  Did you notice?  Oh, just barely, huh?  Well, outside of the gratuitous Bryce Harper coverage, did you notice?  Right... didn't think so.

In case you were wondering, I think the draft can be summer up like this, more or less:

1. Bryce Harper
2. Too many MLB Trade Rumors posts I don't care about
3. Pointless discussion regarding why the MLB Draft isn't as big as that of the NFL or NBA
4. Delino DeShields Jr.

Oh yes, you read that last point correctly. Delino DeShields Jr. went to the Houston Astros.  Proving to be the most significant story of the draft day, in my book.  And why was it so significant, you say?

Because his father, the immortal Delino DeShields, had one of my all-time favorite baseball names. (I hope you realize that this is the point in the post where I don't give a fuck about stats or anything else related to the draft.  Did you really expect me to give you that sort of posting?  Aw hell naw.)

I know that Major League Baseball has always been loaded with great names since the dawn of time; it's understandable since professional sports are in reality a part of the entertainment business.  But Delino DeShields was always one of my all-time favorite names for a variety of reasons.

First, the pronunciation of his name.  I have heard announcers through time use say "DeLINEo" and "Delano" (like FDR).  Either one rolls off the tongue elegantly to alliterate with "DeShields."  Either one is pure poetry in motion to me.

Second, Delino will always stand out to me as one of the most underrated players of all-time in Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr.  While others were spending their time trying to trade for the likes of Roberto Alomar in their franchises, I always settled with Delino for a cheaper, easier, and very effective second baseman.  Plus, he had the ever important "big hole" for batting as my brother and I called it (featured prominently here).  Of course, there were always many anus jokes involved with discussions about batters' holes in that game.

Third, the internet has remembered Delino better photographically than any other player ever.  Just look at these! And the uni brow!  Just check out the range of emotion; he's a natural model.  No other 90's baseball player has a portfolio like that.

When I sat back and thought deeply about Delino DeShields and his awesome name, I also came up with a few other all-time favorites.  Now, none of them are quite as widely regarded as classic, such as Dizzy Dean for instance, but these were always some of my favorite.

Darryl Strawberry - Long before I knew about drugs, I always imagined what it would look like for a human-sized strawberry to be playing baseball.  Thanks for allowing me to dream those images and giggle, Darryl.

Candy Maldonado - What a sweet name.  I always called him "Candy Mondo" though in honor of one of the greatest soft drinks ever.  It's really no wonder why I will come down with diabetes one day.

Glenallen Hill - I just remember him jacking giant homers due to steroids.  So something about his name just translated to power in my eight year old mind.  Things have changed a bit since now, I laugh at his goofy helmet

Chili Davis - I think this one is unanimous with everyone who has followed baseball over the past 25 years.  And it gives me another reason to run this pic.

Shane Mack - I always loved this name.  Not sure if it was because I loved Mack for his unreal eye black, MVP-like abilities for me in Stratomatic 1990, or awesome bio in the 1993 Handbook of Baseball I read while I sit on my pooper (if you ever come over to my place, I always point out this excellent book on the Cribs tour) since the actual name is kinda boring.  I always thought it was just an awesome dude name.  Well, maybe not since it's apparently the name of some gay country singer now, too.  That sucks.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Baseball Stumble: Chicks Dig the Long Ball

Since I have done close to nothing with my 2 weeks away from work, I though I would grace you with a little Baseball Stumble. If you forgot the rules, I used Stumbleupon.com and filtered for baseball. I have 20 minutes to write a titillating article that will entertain the masses. Aaaand go!

Baseball Stumble has done it again. Our first entry was about a pitcher's no hitter while high on LSD, this one is one of the best Non-Griffey commercials of all time. Chicks Dig the Long Ball.

My initial thought was sadness. First, I know that bringing up the Braves right now is rubbing salt in our new married man Mr. Anonymous' wounds. See today his favorite player young Larry "Chipper" Jones announced that he will be retiring after the season.

The second bout of sadness came when I realized that eternal douche, Mark McGwire, began this fantastic commercial. I didn't remember McGwire in it, and he his crying, acne-fied, piece of shit-ness almost ruins this commercial for me.

The commercial has a strong enough backbone to stand on its own though. The shear brilliance of this dominated the media when the commercial aired. Chicks did dig the long ball. So much so that Roided up freaks got all of the attention, while two of the greatest soft tossing pitchers of all time were mastering their craft and baffling hitters. I've had this argument several times, and I think it would be a fun one to start up in another post, but what other pitchers other than Maddux and Glavine were seen as top of the line starters without being known as power pitchers?

However, I would really like to dig into the essence of this commercial. I'm going to put a completely rough estimate and say this commercial aired in 1994. Check out both Greg's and Tom's career batting stats.

Do you see where I'm going with this? No, OK I'll inform.

Check out the home run numbers of these guys before and after 1994, the airing of this commercial (Warning: 1994 is a complete guess as to when this aired). Maddux had hit 2 home runs prior. How many after? 3! Clearly he took his own advice. Post commercial he increased his home run production 150%. And Glavine? He increased his infinity! That is some serious production.

All joking aside, check out The Mad Dog's glasses. They are humbling. Large, clear framed spectacles of freedom. Listen to the Mad Dog taunt Glavine with his chants of "C'mon Alice" and beating him with a bat. Clearly we know who the alpha dog in this relationship was... The guy who knocked out 5 career dingers.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Baseball Card Discovery

So I was cleaning out my closet today - one that I haven't cleaned out for, oh, four or five years - and I came across a pretty mashed up cardboard box at the bottom of my childhood refuse. Imagine my surprise when I came across several hundred baseball and basketball cards that I hadn't seen in, oh, four or five years. I remember a time when a Tim Duncan rookie card would sell for around $50, and a Chuck Knoblauch rookie for $20 or so. Needless to say, the market for cards has, ah, fallen apart as of late. These are not times to be spending an incredible amount on pieces of paper and cardboard. Nevertheless, I have put together a few highlights of my collection, both basketball and baseball. Since this is a baseball blog, I'll hit that. The basketball will be over at 300 Level Banter.

Now, the last pic is my obvious favorite. The Bill Buckner is pre-Buckner-ball game: '85!!! I must have gotten it when I was in 2nd grade or so. Funny how NONE of these cards meant anything to me. The Chuck Knoblauch one made me sort of proud, and the Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds on the bottom left and right, respectively, are pretty cool. I think, total, these cards are worth maybe $10 now. The Buckner is worth $1.50. If cards were still worth money, I'd have a couple thousand of dollars worth. Actually, I have a whole collection an ex-boss gave me pro bono: nothing but mustaches. He had literally hundreds of cards of guys with mustaches. I should search for those sometime...what cards do YOU have that you're proud of? OH! And just so you know, I have something like 10 or 12 Rob Dibble cards. Epic.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Short Leave of Absence

We here at Start Wedman are celebrating a wedding this weekend, so there won't be too much reporting on the Cubs-Sox series. Mr. Anonymous will be ushering in a Mrs. Anonymous this weekend. Events will include: Cooly getting drunk and possibly soiling himself, Zach tripping during the ceremony, possibly spilling on the bride at some point, Tristan being drunk before the wedding starts and finally Mr. Anonymous sweating through 2 tuxes.

Wish us luck.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mustache Power Outage

No, that slapping noise you just heard was not CC Sabathia belly-flopping into a pool of Jello.  That was in fact the sound of my hand hitting my forehead in disgust over the recent happenings in Pittsburgh.

Now that you're brain is filled with the wonderful imagery of CC's naked body and chubby complexion, good luck getting through the rest of this post.

Don't get me wrong, I love mustaches.  They are awesome.  I often speak about how I would literally trade anything in my life to be able to grow facial hair so that I can hang out with Bon Iver or simply be allowed within the city limits of Austin, TX.

But, my oh my, where to start, Pittsburgh?

1. Ronny Cedeno, you look like you are ready to molest me.  Seriously, it looks like an artist's rendition of Cedeno's evil twin. If you can't grow a mustache, like moi, accept the fact.  It's okay.  Lots of dudes can't, especially when they are soft-hitting back-up middle infielders.  Oh wait, you're a starter?  Well, you play for the Pirates, so let's not gloat too much there, buddy.

2. Could you at least be original with this movement, please?  Um, do you guys not remember the Cardinals doing this exact same thing last season?  And it seemed to work alright against this one team labeled "PIT" in this chart on the right.

And as far as Cedeno goes, way to just straight up copy Bobby Valentine.  I'm really sorry, but this entire thing has a "been there, done that" feeling to it, and it comes across as pitiful more so than entertaining.

And finally #3, the reason you should stop.  On Sportscenter last night, Scott Van Pelt said that during this mustache-inspired play, in which the Pirates think they are playing really well or something, the team has gone 3-3.  That's a .500 record.  You know what most teams call that?  An average week.  That's not much of a hot streak really; I hate to break that news to you guys.

So please, Pittsburgh PR department/players/anyone involved in this silliness, please stop now.  I get it, you guys have sucked since you lost Bonds to free agency after the 1992 season.  You need a little attention.  It's okay, but how about you do it by managing a team correctly?  You know, not trading away players like Jason Bay, Aramis Ramirez, and everyone else for pennies on the dollar because of your miserly ways.  Just a novel idea I thought that I could throw your way.

Although, please do allow Andrew McCutchen to keep his hard, D-Wade-like cuts.  In fact, demand him to do so.  Those are sweet.


And another suggestion - you might want to keep him around as a player.  I know it seems obvious, but he's like good, you know.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Robbed

If you haven't seen it, please check out this clip of an umpire completely ruining baseball history. Also, note how sad the announcers are. There is no anger in either's voice, just down right sad.


End of an Era

I hate to block Tristan's latest gem, but swift reporting had to be done here. Seriously, don't forget to check out the post below, many chuckles are sure to be had.

I first heard of the devastation that will be the end of one of the Greatest careers in baseball history a few weeks ago. Due to my complete and overwhelming bout of laziness that I was dealing with, I chose not to post on it. I simply cannot go any further without pointing out the injustice that today's children are facing. I think you know where I'm going with this (Oh, wait you don't those sentences were as random as what outfit Craig Sager decides to wear), Ken Griffey Jr. retired today. Moment of silence...

Ken Griffey Jr was my favorite player of all time. Besides the fact that I won an autographed Junior ball when I was 8, immediately making me the coolest 3rd grader of all time, Junior was a one of a kind talent in his prime that was with out a doubt one of the greatest players of all time.

Junior's knee's and fragile legs robbed nations of budding baseball players of watching the purest 5 tool athlete ever play. Speed, Power, Average, Arm Strength, and Defense which will go unmatched. I could only wish I was older to really commit to memory the greatness that was Junior's prime. I remember shades of it, but the most vivid memories are of Junior crashing into outfield walls, injuring himself, running the bases, injuring himself, and making diving catches, and injuring himself.

I don't even want to get into Griffey's Sabermetric prowess, I'm not going to list a single stat in this post. Griffey's game overshadowed his stats. I was lucky enough to get to sit 4 rows down on the third baseline for a game Griffey played in; unlucky that he was playing for the Reds. If you never got to see Griffey's swing that close it is an absolute shame. Power and Finesse, Speed and Smoothness produced a swing that has been imitated by millions of kids worldwide.

Griffey was more than just an overwhelming talent on the field. He was a personality that LeBron, Dwight Howard, and Ryan Howard. He was a personality that changed the game and morphed how hipsters wore their hats. His speed and defensive ability was so powerful it grew to legend in the movie Little Big League (the movie which spawned our name).

So, I don't care that Griffey fell asleep in the clubhouse, or that he was batting worse than Mendoza (or Jerry Johnson). I don't think any fan of the hot garbage Seattle team cares either. It is all worth it to see that swing again.