Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mustache Power Outage

No, that slapping noise you just heard was not CC Sabathia belly-flopping into a pool of Jello.  That was in fact the sound of my hand hitting my forehead in disgust over the recent happenings in Pittsburgh.

Now that you're brain is filled with the wonderful imagery of CC's naked body and chubby complexion, good luck getting through the rest of this post.

Don't get me wrong, I love mustaches.  They are awesome.  I often speak about how I would literally trade anything in my life to be able to grow facial hair so that I can hang out with Bon Iver or simply be allowed within the city limits of Austin, TX.

But, my oh my, where to start, Pittsburgh?

1. Ronny Cedeno, you look like you are ready to molest me.  Seriously, it looks like an artist's rendition of Cedeno's evil twin. If you can't grow a mustache, like moi, accept the fact.  It's okay.  Lots of dudes can't, especially when they are soft-hitting back-up middle infielders.  Oh wait, you're a starter?  Well, you play for the Pirates, so let's not gloat too much there, buddy.

2. Could you at least be original with this movement, please?  Um, do you guys not remember the Cardinals doing this exact same thing last season?  And it seemed to work alright against this one team labeled "PIT" in this chart on the right.

And as far as Cedeno goes, way to just straight up copy Bobby Valentine.  I'm really sorry, but this entire thing has a "been there, done that" feeling to it, and it comes across as pitiful more so than entertaining.

And finally #3, the reason you should stop.  On Sportscenter last night, Scott Van Pelt said that during this mustache-inspired play, in which the Pirates think they are playing really well or something, the team has gone 3-3.  That's a .500 record.  You know what most teams call that?  An average week.  That's not much of a hot streak really; I hate to break that news to you guys.

So please, Pittsburgh PR department/players/anyone involved in this silliness, please stop now.  I get it, you guys have sucked since you lost Bonds to free agency after the 1992 season.  You need a little attention.  It's okay, but how about you do it by managing a team correctly?  You know, not trading away players like Jason Bay, Aramis Ramirez, and everyone else for pennies on the dollar because of your miserly ways.  Just a novel idea I thought that I could throw your way.

Although, please do allow Andrew McCutchen to keep his hard, D-Wade-like cuts.  In fact, demand him to do so.  Those are sweet.

And another suggestion - you might want to keep him around as a player.  I know it seems obvious, but he's like good, you know.


  1. Where does one find a picture of Keith Hernandez smoking on the bench?

  2. It was like the third result when I typed Keith Hernandez into Google.

    I might have to do an entire post about that picture now that I know it exists.