No Way Jose

Following the trend of Jose Canseco topics, I stumbled upon a great article titled “Canseco Plans to Support Clemens.” Basically the article states that Canseco is going to back up his initial story that he has never seen Clemens use, possess, or ask for steroids or human growth hormone. Right away I figured this had to be another crap stunt by Jose just trying to get his name out, until I realized the implications of this. How pissed off is Roger Clemens? Do any of the past steroid users really want the king of roids defending their name? Would this be the same thing as killing a family member, getting away with it, and then having OJ come out and help me say I didn’t do it? So after countless hours of thought, which was really just 16 minutes at work, I came up with a list of baseball players who I would never want to defend me in certain situations.

Domestic Disputes: One day in the future, I come home from work. While putting things away, a book fell from the shelf and hit my wife in the face. While I think it’s no big deal, whenever we go out in public after the book incident, people look at me like I punched her in the eye. However, I am assured by my friend Dmitri Young that this kind of thing happens all the time, and if anyone asks, just let him know and he will clear my name.

Side Note: Dmitri Young was arrested on charges of domestic abuse against his 21 year old girlfriend. We here at Start Wedman are in no way encouraging domestic abuse against a girl friend / wife. We may joke about murdering strippers at times, but do not confuse us with Dmitri Young or Jason Kidd’s wife.

Slip of the Tongue: You know when you are around your friends and you make an inappropriate comment only to find out that the comment was heard by someone who would be offended. Well sense I seem to do that more often than most, and can see it happening in the future, what would happen if I inadvertently made a gay/racial joke and it was heard by the wrong party? Would it make things better if John Rocker came to my rescue and made sure that everyone knew that I didn’t mean it?

Man Touch: There are many ways to celebrate in the game of baseball. Homeruns come with fireworks, various trots, and special dances at home plate. There are also glove taps and good games given out for various on the field accomplishments. By now we have all seen how Cesar Izturis celebrates (INSERT CESAR SALAD VIDEO HERE, however it has gone missing). Whether this was unexpected or just a very, very disturbing man touch, would Cesar really want Mike Piazza defending his sexuality? “That was a great celebration and I look forward to my teammates hitting many homeruns in the future.” – Mike Piazza

Side Note: Mike Piazza really isn’t gay. . .as far as we know. We know this because he told us so. Rumors are nasty and can destroy lives as he said so himself. "I can't control what people think. I date women."

Here is a list of baseball players that I still wouldn’t trust but didn’t quite make the list:

Khalil Greene – because he cries a lot

Hunter Pence – suspicious hot tub injury within weeks of Kaz Matsui’s anal fissures

Kaz Matsui – see above

Brandon Inge – he strained an oblique in a pillow fight

Mark Grace

And if for any reason you need a pick-me-up this week, check this out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fen5TOcaP1I