Monday, August 2, 2010

Draft Day Losers: Jayson Stark

Jayson Stark over at ESPN gave us this gem of a piece over the weekend. Not only was this years trade deadline insanely easy to decipher who was a winner and who was a loser, Stark manages to get at least half of these teams wrong. Let's see how one can possibly manage this...


Texas Rangers

Stark's piece has limited words and sentence structure. It's basically just a bulleted list of the good things the teams did and the bad things. I can't argue with his methods, but it leaves very little grammatical critiquing. With that noted, I'll only really bash on his flawed logic, and I will try to stay away from analyzing his selection I agree with. For the record, Texas did win this deadline. They got one of the best pitchers in the game, and Justin Smoak might suck.

San Diego Padres

I would not call acquiring Miguel Tejada a huge win, but getting Ludwick will probably help them. They did well at the deadline, but nothing amazing.

New York Yankees

If you do not believe the Yankees dominated this trade deadline, you clearly do not follow Ken Tremendous on Twitter. They were clearly the biggest winners at the deadline. How did they even pull some of this crap off???? Hey Astros, forget about everyone else's offers for Berkman we will give you horseshit and we will allow you to pay most of his remaining contract. Seems like a good deal to me.

Obviously, Lance Berkman, Kerry Wood and Austin Kearns ain't what they used to be. But what exactly did the Yankees have to lose? They added less payroll ($4.8 million) than the Rangers -- and just gave up a bunch of second-tier prospects to fill potentially big holes. It's possible none of these guys will make an impact.

Puma will most certainly make an impact. As a switch Hitting DH, Puma will be chomping at the bit to hit from the left side of the plate at the Yankees bandbox.

And it was another display of the Yankees behemoth doing what the Yankees behemoth does best -- taking full advantage of its never-ending ability to absorb other people's dead money.

Jayson just pulled off something that has never before occurred in writing: using behemoth twice in a sentence AND using 3 hyphens. Astonishing. This doesn't even count the double hyphen he used in the previous sentence.

Houston Astros

Wait, didn't we just claim the Yankees the biggest winner based on absolutely destroying the Astros? How can the Astros possibly be winners????

Quick now. Name the player who has been with the Astros longer than anyone else on the roster now that Roy Oswalt and Berkman have hit the highway?

I even forgot about the terrible Roy Oswalt deal! Granted, Oswalt is not that great anymore, but only getting the demise of JA Happ's career is definitely not a win.

Would you believe it's Wandy Rodriguez (in his sixth season), a guy who would barely know a Killer B if he saw one in his living room?

First not knowing a Killer B is the stupidest comment ever, just wanted to get that out of the way. Also, it is not even correct! Craig Biggio played with the Astros until 2007.

Incredible, huh?

Incredible that you can't look up simple stats on Fangraphs? I suppose that is fairly shocking.

But we look at that as a positive symbol of what's transpired here: Finally, this team has let itself turn the page.

Turning the page is a great thing (especially when you are reading books, it is a sign of progress). However, turning the page and having absolutely nothing to show for it is not a good thing.

The rest of this paragraph is incoherent rambling that really has little to do with the deals that occurred. The only conceivable way to think of the Astros deals as a win is by this criteria: If you made trades it is a good thing, no matter how bad they were, if you did not trade you are a loser. Let's watch how Jayson fully attacks this new theory.

Philedelphia Phillies

How can the Yankees, Astros, and Phillies all be winners???? They completed these deals with each other, and none of them were even. Jayson Stark is getting me stripper murdering mad.

Next to Lee, whose name kind of rings a bell in Philly, Oswalt was widely viewed -- though not by everybody -- as the biggest difference-maker on the pitching market.

Not only does he use the commas to throw in an interjection, he also uses the double hyphen.

And the Phillies grabbed him without giving up any of their elite prospects (Domonic Brown, Jonathan Singleton, Jarred Cosart).

They also gave up JA Happ, but everyone but the Astros knows he sucks now.

And the Phillies could regret moving Happ -- described by one scout as potentially a "Cliff Lee Lite." But it was important for this franchise to remind its fan base and clubhouse of its willingness to reach for the sky. And the Phillies sure did that.

It must have slipped Stark's mind how much Happ sucks this year and is showing no signs to coming back to his future star form of last year.

(Editor's Note: I wrote this piece in 2 parts on separate days. What follows is the part that I wrote minutes after hearing that Favre was retiring, leaving the Vikings hopeless for yet another season)

Washington Nationals

I completely agree that they are winners. While they did not deal Dunn, they got a phenomenal prospect out of Minnesota, and mainly because Minnesota had no where for Wilson Ramos to play.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Everyone needs to remember that the fucking Diamondbacks traded away an elite pitcher for Joe Saunder's mole. Joe Saunders sucks more than JA Happ! Someone should shoot Jayson Stark right... NOW!

It's not going to be pretty in the desert for a long time, we're guessing, now that this team has launched into full-bore dump-everybody mode.

Full bore dump mode should include getting a return for your best trade asset. Instead they simply made a trade, so no matter how idiotic and asinine the trade was, the D'backs are clearly deadline winners.

But if you're going to dump, this was the way to dump. Out went Dan Haren, Edwin Jackson, Chad Qualls and Chris Snyder, with more undoubtedly on the way next month.

See they are definitely winners, they dropped 4 guys. Please do not pay attention to the fact that only one of these trades looks at all beneficial to our club (Jackson). Oh, and please forget that this offseason we traded our stud pitcher Max Scherzer for Jackson and now have spun Jackson into Daniel Hudson, a soft tosser with below average off speed pitches. The D'backs were definitely winners. I absolutely see Stark's logic. (Sarcasm!)

And while the D-backs' young-player haul wasn't spectacular, they lopped at least $25 million off the payroll (depending on what Joe Saunders earns in arbitration).

Their prospect return was actually horse shit. But hey, we still get to pay Joe Saunders 80% of what Haren made and he is 40% as good of a player. We can't pass that up!

And for a team with big financial challenges, that was huge -- for now. But now comes the hard part: This team faces many more critical decisions in the months ahead.

Let's see how they can fuck up those and we shall still applaud them.

St. Louis Cardinals

We didn't love the idea of moving Ryan Ludwick. But Jake Westbrook is the Cardinals' kind of pitcher. And he gives them not just one of the deepest rotations in the league but, more importantly, a rotation deep enough to match up with the Reds.

Wait, you had the Padres winning at the deadline because they stole Ludwick. Now, the Cardinals are winners because they dealt Ludwick. There is some flawed logic in there. However, the Cardinals did get Jake Westbrook, who is their kind of pitcher. Translation: shitty old white guy that reminds us of Jeff Suppan, somehow this player will not fall on his face every time he takes the mound.

Los Angeles Dodgers

We are still talking about the winners here. Mind you the Dodgers are far out of first place and just added salary. Oh, and the player that we sent away has an 8.3 VORP. The player that we returned has a 3.0 VORP. Sounds like a winner to me. Jayson Stark you deserve to be kicked in the testicles.


How could there have possibly been losers, with that selection of winners? Ah yes, I forgot about Stark's magic theory: If you made a trade (no matter how bad it was) you are a winner.

Chicago White Sox

True, I will not argue his illogical points

Toronto Blue Jays

They actually dealt typically bad Alex Gonzalez for Typically good, young player under team control, Yunel Escobar. I would say they won easily, but I'm not an idiot.

the Blue Jays otherwise frustrated a bunch of potential buyers by never moving Jose Bautista or the most attractive arms in a brutal bullpen market -- Scott Downs, Kevin Gregg and Jason Frasor.

Clearly, the Blue Jays did not make enough deals to satisfy Starks trade appetite.


Let me cut to the chase. The next 5 teams all did relatively the same thing at the deadline. Can you guess what it was?

Really? I thought you all were smarter than that. That was an absolute terrible guess.

The next 5 teams were the Orioles, Rays, Twins, Giants and Mets. All of these teams stayed quiet at the deadline, which automatically makes them losers. Don't look at the obvious facts that the Mets and Giants are in a no mans land straddling the playoffs, the Twins made a move which sacrificed some future but is more of a win now deal, the Orioles suck so who cares what the fuck they did, and the Rays don't need to make a move because they have an amazing pitching staff and fantastic fielders. Don't look at any of the reasons these teams should not have made a trade, let's just announce them losers.

(Editor's Note: It has been brought to my attention that the Giants are actually good and are leading the Wild Card. Please forgive me, I still think of them as the 2007 Giants suck have no offense and are only viable because they play in the NL West. Wait a second...)

Jayson Stark combined with Favre's retirement just forced the murdering of 7 strippers. I hope you two are happy.


  1. Seems like I almost always post on Arizona, but it looks like you have taken a shot at them without consulting me. It's on.

    With those trades, Arizona now has 11 out of the top 100 draft picks from last year's class. They got Corbin (who pitched 7 scoreless last night), will get Skaggs (nasty lefty who is only 19), and Holmberg (top lefty in the White Sox system).

    They also got ride of Chris Snyder (paving the way for John Hester who was hitting .330 in AAA), rid of EJax (suck it White Sox), and banished Dan Haren (who ruined the farm in the first place).

    While I do realize that Saunders is not a stud, the D'Backs didn't give up any of their core players (Reynolds, Upton, Young, Montero, or Drew) and still built back up their system.

    Even though it will be awhile before they have a winning season (probably 2 more years), it at least gives a fan hope. I now know what to expect instead of building my hopes up and crushing them over and over again.

  2. Please see the July 27 post that, I do believe, you wrote.

  3. How are the Giants straddling the playoffs? They are winning the Wild Card.

  4. My lunch break was winding down, and the article was getting long. I was throwing things out there at the end. Get off my back.