Wednesday, September 29, 2010

People Who Are NOT 5 Tool Players

About 4 minutes ago on MLB Tonight they brought up this weeks "Sears 5 Tool Players". One of these players was...

Take a guess...

You don't stand a chance...

JUAN PIERRE!!!!!!


I do not want to get into the fact that Juan Pierre can't run anymore, but lets look at the other 4 tools required: Hitting for average, hitting for power, fielding, and THROWING. (Best action shot of his arm I could find, you know a missile is about to be fired)

Pierre's Average: .271 (Not Great)
Pierre's Power: Are you fucking kidding me!
Pierre's Fielding: 12.0 UZR/150 (but this is compared to other left fielders
Pierre's Arm: Currently he is competing with Johnny Damon every year in a throwing contest to see who has the weakest arm in the MLB (This is similar to the Charlie Batch-Elvis Grbac QB Off that occurs every Christmas, only 3 people will get this joke can you name them?)

MLB Network, you let me down.

I Deserve a Little Credit

The other day, this article was released by the Chicago Sun Times, which is begging to be torn apart FJM style. Clearly the writer, Joe Cowley, knows that Mark Kotsay is garbage, and he does not shy away from Kotsay's atrocities in his article. This is getting picked apart because of the quotes that he received from Kotsay. Let's start this bitch up...

Sox' Kotsay wants a little credit

OK, here is the credit that Kotsay deserves: You were horrible in the field this season. In fact the only position you can play well is first, which forces our terrible right fielder to play the field when he can't judge a ball to save his life. You also hit like a blind man, yet played most of the year as the Designated HITTER. You have a terrible chinstrap beard, and that style hasn't been cool since 1999, if ever. Your only good quality is that you have a hot wife.

Does veteran designated hitter/infielder Mark Kotsay wish he could have had a better start to 2010? Absolutely.

I wish that veteran designated hitter/complete shit bag baseball player Mark Kotsay was never on the team. I wish we didn't have a manager that appreciates grindy-ness, and did appreciate guys who hit a lot of home runs.

Maybe then, what's left of this season would have more meaning. Maybe there'd still be a race between the White Sox and the Central Division-winning Minnesota Twins. Maybe the Sox' front office wouldn't be in the disarray it now seems to be in.

So many ''maybes'' to dwell on with seven games left.

But Kotsay instead is focusing on what the Sox' DH-by-committee helped accomplish.

Just in case you were wondering, the DH-by-committee accomplished exactly the worst DH numbers since the 2008 Mariners, which were quite possibly the worst DH numbers of all time (only the Blue Jays and Angels had worse wOBA from their DH spot, and the Angels, A's and Tigers were the only AL teams to hit fewer HR's.)

And he unapologetically thinks critics are missing the big picture when they call him a key reason for the failure of that DH strategy.

''Anytime you have an unsuccessful season, the finger gets pointed in every direction that it can be,'' Kotsay said. ''A failure? I think they're generalizing it by strictly just putting the number together.''

I suppose a quantitative analysis of your skills does yield quite displeasing results. Let's look at the things that don't have scary numbers next to them. You were terrible at hitting for power, handling the bat in clutch situations, running, defense, and your face makes me want to punch it.

The number is his .108 April batting average, which swayed opinions against him early.


That works quite well too. Mark Kotsay, you are horrible.

''If you look at the whole year from a Mark Kotsay standpoint, it's been criticism from the get-go,'' the lefty hitter said.

Wow, not only is Mark Kotsay using the third person to reference Mark Kotsay, Mark Kotsay used both his first name (Mark) and his last (Kotsay) to emphasize his greatness.

''I didn't get off to a good start, I got buried, I slowly got myself out of that hole when the team was having success in the winning portion of the season. But even in that turnaround, there was always talk that we needed a left-handed bat.''

What is with all these 'I's? I don't know who we are talking about. O yea, shitty fuckbag Mark Kotsay.

''Hey, you know what? It's been the whole season. I think I was able to carry myself in a professional manner and realize, 'Yeah, my success as a whole, if I evaluate my whole year, it's not nearly where I wanted it to end.' But I think I battled, I think I fought the whole season.''

"Mark Kotsay likes to use the word 'whole'. You peasants will just have to deal with the confusion Mark Kotsay's quotes breed."

Also, if you were wondering just how well Mark Kotsay did on a whole, this whole season, his WAR was -0.8, down from his dreadful -0.3 season last year. Your whole season has been worse than any bum we could have pulled up from AAA you douchefuck.

Sox designated hitters entered Sunday's finale with the Los Angeles Angels hitting .244 with 17 homers, tied for 10th in the American League, and 60 RBI, 13th in the AL.

If you hate scary numbers and were wondering, those are not good.

But Kotsay chooses to focus on the Sox' 27-18 record when he was the starting DH, as well as what the DH-by-committee meant to players such as Paul Konerko, Juan Pierre, Carlos Quentin, Alex Rios and even Mark Teahen when he came back from his injury.

''We were able to give Paul the DH position, and hopefully most people would say that the first-base position was played quite well defensively [between Konerko and Kotsay],'' Kotsay said. ''[Juan Pierre] was an iron man, so he played almost every day in left field. Carlos played in as many games [in right field] as he has in three seasons, so obviously [getting work as the DH] helped Carlos and his ability to stay on the field and stay healthy. Paul hasn't had an injury all season -- he's been on the field and been healthy.

Carlos Quentin had to play 103 games in right field this year, which is exactly 103 more games than he ever should be allowed to play in the field. If the grindy, terrible Mark Kotsay was not around, maybe those games we would have just kept Carlos at DH.

Also, if you ever attribute strength to Juan Pierre in any way, ever again, I'm murdering like 1,000 strippers.

The rest of the article is pretty mundane Kotsay bashing, which I won't bore you with. Kotsay needs to be bashed with the full fury of the intertubes and the free reign in swearing which blogs provide. (You can't call him a douchefuck in the Sun Times)

Mark Kotsay is bad. He should not be allowed to play professional baseball anymore. He gives me an ulcer every time I see him walk up to the plate. I went to Frank Thomas Day at US Cellular earlier this year, and seeing Kotsay not in the lineup made me happier than when Ron Karkovice was shown on the big screen. I hate everything about Kotsay (except his hot wife). Which is why this closing quote made me so happy...

''My future probably doesn't lie in Chicago,'' he said at the start of the Angels series.

Friday, September 24, 2010

All Time Team: Second Base

COOLY: In the All Time Team post about shortstops, we spent a decent amount of time discussing the importance of having a gifted fielder at the position; hence, the inclusion of Ozzie Smith amongst the candidates despite his downright devilish career OPS of .666. Fielding at the second base position will not be given the same kind of consideration.

Second base is arguably the least important position in regards to fielding. This is why a schmuck like Skip Schumaker can convert from leftfield to second in just one Spring Training without having every played the infield at any other level of baseball in his life. Two of the players who could be considered for this list, in fact, sucked at fielding other positions and found themselves placed at second in order to get their bats in the line-up - Kent and Sandberg. That fact alone is part of the reason I hate the two so much. Jeff Kent will find his way into the Hall of Fame simply because he is all-time leader in home runs for a second baseman, even though he had no business playing the position and never would not be anywhere near consideration for the Hall if he was at third or first, where he would have been better suited. What an asswipe; although, Zach will disagree later, I'm sure.

Now, usually Zachary is the one doing the old school shit around here, but in this case, I decided to take a turn because there is no more awesome name than Rogers Hornsby. It sounds so official, so foreign, like he's a prince or some shit - or possibly his parents were just super dumb and didn't know that "Rogers" alludes to there being more than one "Roger." (Although, after research, I discovered that "Rogers" is in fact his mother's maiden name and his namesake, so I guess there is a reason behind the madness. But it's still a terribly dumb name, and I didn't want to delete out my little rant there.)

And Rogers put up some royally awesome numbers during his time as a player/manager (can someone say bonus points?): .358 AVG (including batting .400 twice)/ 1.010 OPS/ 2930 H/ 301 HR (led the league twice). He also won two MVPs and was the player/manager of the 1926 Cardinals (even though his players hated him because he was such a hardass). To top it all off, Hornsby also rocks one of the most confusing and overly thorough "Salaries" sections I have ever seen on Baseball Reference. All in all, not too shabby.

Up next, Joe Morgan could have been included in this post; however, after his years of announcing, everyone discovered that he actually knew nothing about baseball and everything about how to make fans' ears bleed. Joe Morgan's consideration of being the best second baseman of all time is officially dead.

ZACH: I was also going to bring up Joe Morgan, but anytime I think of him, all I think of is FJM. FJM! FJM! FJM! FJM! They are the main reason I haven't posted in so long. Just thinking about them makes me a little wet. Knowing that they were taking over Deadspin for an entire day gave me a 3 day long orgasm.

Before starting my long winded discussion about why I love Jeff Kent so much, I figure I should name drop a few of the greatest second baseman of all time. These guys absolutely should be talked about more; however, our website borders on unprofessional on a consistent basis and I have to keep up our rep.

Eddie Collins. He played a really, really long time ago (before this even). While it did not stop Cooly from having blog sex with Rogers corpse, I'm going to avoid Eddie's corpse this time around.

Jackie Robinson. Too black to be in consideration. Well, that will conclude our racist section of the blog (this is a lie, see the Jeff Kent section). Honestly, he was quite good, but not good enough to be talked about in this conversation.

Ryne Sandberg. Only a fucking Cubs fan would put him on here. I am NOT a Cubs fan. Using logic, you can also deduce that I am also not an idiot.

Roberto Alomar. He has AIDS, which gives him a few extra points.

Chase Utley. Despite giving me the most entertaining fantasy moment of my life (a post will have to be constructed for this event sometime), he still is a few years away.


Now for Jeff Kent...

Here are Jeff Kent's career numbers: 2,461 H, 377 HR, 1,320 R, 1,515 RBI, .290 AVG, .344 OBP, .500 SLUG! This guy was awesome. While I have not given you any other greats to compare these numbers to, just know that this is most definitely upper echelon of second baseman.

Now for what this site is all about, the intangibles! (Just go with it)

Jeff Kent sported this sweet mustache, for quite awhile, which made him look like a cop/porn star. That is a slash combination that I would love to be apart of.

Jeff Kent was so shitty at both first and second defensively that the Giants often did not allow him to cross into fair territory while playing (this has yet to be verified).

Jeff Kent participated in ABC's SuperStars challenge. This gives backing to my theory of Kent being a legend and still being cool enough to do stupid shows like this. His partner was also Ali Landry, who looks like this.

Jeff Kent hated black people, errr Barry Bonds. (Actually he may have hated black people too)

Again, this was his mustache.


Cooly's Best - Rogers Hornsby
Cooly's Worst - Jeff Kent

Zach's Best- Jeff Kent
Zach's Worst - Fernando Vina (how can you be on steroids and still be that shitty?)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Life Update

Egads! Only the fifth post in the month of September from us here? Geez, we were doing back better in February, aka the death of everything in the greater Chicago region. At least we had an excuse back then because we were, you know, dead.

I can only assume that this month has worn down Zach and Tristan, the only two other of our writers who survived that long, cold winter (except for Dave, who died of cholera on St. Patty's Day). I had the great fortune of watching the Cardinals collapse and allow a franchise that glorifies Joe Morgan and Pete Rose to run away with the division in front of their near 75% capacity crowds at home. Tristan gave up all hope in baseball when that Haren trade happened. And Zach, well, he simply needs an entirely new set of teams to root for since the suckitude between the Sox and Vikings is getting too heavy for him to handle.

Thankfully for everyone on the planet, yesterday was Fire Joe Morgan Day over at Deadspin, which produced some of the best writing I have consumed in years. Many a laugh was had and several new catchphrases have been formed ("FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY - JERRY THORNTON"). Needless to say, if you plan on reading this blog ever again, you are required to spend an afternoon catching up on those FJM pieces. I'm not kidding. I'm going to fucking put a quiz on this site that will serve as a password, and you will have to ace it in order to continue on to our site. You Should Start Wedman will be harder to access than any porn site you have ever tried to hack.

However, those FJM posts along with the badass Hemingway I've been reading have inspired me to be a little more proactive with this site. And hell, the end of those CPA classes coming up in three weeks doesn't exactly hinder that desire either. I'm sure Zach feels the same. I could tell from his giddy texts we exchanged last night regarding FJM Day - as it will forever be known when Obama makes 9/22 a national holiday in the near future - that he's ready to rock out with his cock out and blog from his basement.

Also, don't forget about our basketball baby. Since the hoops time is coming up and a few of us split Bulls season tickets, I imagine many a Bulls-loving/Heat-hating rant will pop up there. In fact, I will be reviving it soon with a post. That's right I'm firing up that treadmill we have been on from stopped to about 2.5 MPH. It's time to get physical and sweat it out, baby! (PS - The promised post is now up.)

And in the mean time, laugh your ass off as this momentous video (sent in by our boy Scotty G):

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How Winning the Asiad Will Win Me Fantasy Points

Since 95% of our readers are currently playing in one of our 2 fantasy leagues, I feel that I can freely post this without too much wrath from our nationwide audience (who am I kidding, 5% of readers not in the fantasy league!). While I'm not even close to the first to report this, I sincerely doubt that any of these writers has as big of a man crush on Shin-Soo as I do. I have been fully committed to my boy Shin-Soo for the past three years. How can you not be? He looks like this...

Why do I love Choo so much? Its simple, he is completely unheralded and he is absolutely a star in the American League. His numbers speak for themselves: in 3 seasons 53 HR, 460 H, 250 R, 48 SBs, 250 RBI, .295 AVG. If you don't want that for fantasy purposes, you sir are an idiot. Also, I will need to direct you to the better numbers, the numbers that actually tell you just how good Choo is: .387 OBP (.380 wOBA), .483 SLUG, .870 OPS, 4.2 average WAR, 5.6 Spd, with a career average of 3.7 UZR/150. This guy is exceptional in every phase of the game.

You may still be asking yourself, "But why did this fuckass write this article". To that, I scoff at your laziness for not reading the first 2 hyperlinks. It seems that all South Koreans are forced to join the armed forces for a 2 year stint by the time they turn 31. Choo is 28 and has yet to serve his time. Before you laugh at how lonely my fantasy team will be for the next 2 years, there is a catch! If South Korea wins the Asiad Choo will be relieved of his service duties.

Here is one guy that is rooting hard for South Korea in the Asiad.

P.S. FJM will be hosting Deadspin on Sept. 22. If you do not tune into that, you are no longer allowed to read any of my postings.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Baseball Look-Alikes Vol. 1

 Milton Bradley
     +
 Ryan Howard
 
 
 Brandon Allen

When I first saw the highlights of Allen this morning, he looked more like Bradley (the swing is almost identical).  However, after viewing pictures via the internets, it is obvious that Milton Bradley made love to Ryan Howard in order to conceive Brandon Allen.  Let's hope that he has inherited the best aspects of each player (Howard's power and Bradley's schizophrenia).

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Manny Regretting Manny

Leave it to the guy who really couldn't care less on this site to chime in on the Manny situation.  But the Cardinals are slowly and surely choking away a division they should have wrapped up in June, and I desperately need something to take my mind off them.

Manny Ramirez, the guy who every team would have killed for approximately four years ago now has found himself on his third team in two-ish years.  Yes, his game has slipped a bit in terms of offensive production (his fielding prowess was never existent).  And sure, there was tat PED suspension that tarnished his previously surefire Hall of Fame career.  However, this is a guy who still posted a .950 OPS after that suspension - while having to struggle through the pains of actually playing the field.  Imagine him being able to focus purely on batting all last season.  Do the numbers bump up?  Definitely.

Although, I'm not sure if the required fielding, lack of PEDs, or late age are what have really eroded Manny's game over the past few years.  Let's not forget that he managed to put up a 1.031 OPS in 2008, including 1.232 down the stretch for the Dodgers.

So what has gotten to him you ask?  Himself, I believe.  Manny simply got tired of being Manny.

The picture above is not actually the best representation of Manny at his Español-only press conference he gave yesterday.  Overall, he seemed defeated and beaten down.  The guy honestly looked like he needed a vacation.

I can't blame him.  At the beginning of the "Manny being Manny" period of history, do you remember how fun he used to be?  He popped out of the Green Monster, called his road beef, and seemed as though he purposefully misfielded that ball in Seattle all for entertainment purposes.  He was a comedy juggernaut.  And he also knew exactly what he was doing.

But unfortunately for Manny, ESPN jumped on the bandwagon and decided they would run the Manny show - prompting the rest of the media to join in.  And that's where things went downhill for him.  Beforehand, it was Manny handling his own image with his antics.  Afterward, the media took what he had done for a few laughs and absolutely beat the high jinx to death.  They beat it to the point where Manny came across as conceited, lazy, immature, and dumb.  Not exactly the most friendly of images.

For a player like Manny who started off as a fun-loving, hard-working (and possibly roided out) ballplayer to now be categorized negatively has to hurt.  And I felt that during his press conference yesterday.  He didn't want to be there, so he put up the language barrier to separate himself from the media.  It was sad to see the shell of what Manny used to be sitting next to Joey Cora and jumping through the PR hoops.

But here's to hoping Manny can pull things around in Chicago.  I hope he finds himself again.  He will only help himself, his image, and his play.  And maybe make the last month of season less shitty for me as I watch Jeff Suppan and Aaron Miles blow this season the Cardinals should have dominated.