Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I Deserve a Little Credit

The other day, this article was released by the Chicago Sun Times, which is begging to be torn apart FJM style. Clearly the writer, Joe Cowley, knows that Mark Kotsay is garbage, and he does not shy away from Kotsay's atrocities in his article. This is getting picked apart because of the quotes that he received from Kotsay. Let's start this bitch up...

Sox' Kotsay wants a little credit

OK, here is the credit that Kotsay deserves: You were horrible in the field this season. In fact the only position you can play well is first, which forces our terrible right fielder to play the field when he can't judge a ball to save his life. You also hit like a blind man, yet played most of the year as the Designated HITTER. You have a terrible chinstrap beard, and that style hasn't been cool since 1999, if ever. Your only good quality is that you have a hot wife.

Does veteran designated hitter/infielder Mark Kotsay wish he could have had a better start to 2010? Absolutely.

I wish that veteran designated hitter/complete shit bag baseball player Mark Kotsay was never on the team. I wish we didn't have a manager that appreciates grindy-ness, and did appreciate guys who hit a lot of home runs.

Maybe then, what's left of this season would have more meaning. Maybe there'd still be a race between the White Sox and the Central Division-winning Minnesota Twins. Maybe the Sox' front office wouldn't be in the disarray it now seems to be in.

So many ''maybes'' to dwell on with seven games left.

But Kotsay instead is focusing on what the Sox' DH-by-committee helped accomplish.

Just in case you were wondering, the DH-by-committee accomplished exactly the worst DH numbers since the 2008 Mariners, which were quite possibly the worst DH numbers of all time (only the Blue Jays and Angels had worse wOBA from their DH spot, and the Angels, A's and Tigers were the only AL teams to hit fewer HR's.)

And he unapologetically thinks critics are missing the big picture when they call him a key reason for the failure of that DH strategy.

''Anytime you have an unsuccessful season, the finger gets pointed in every direction that it can be,'' Kotsay said. ''A failure? I think they're generalizing it by strictly just putting the number together.''

I suppose a quantitative analysis of your skills does yield quite displeasing results. Let's look at the things that don't have scary numbers next to them. You were terrible at hitting for power, handling the bat in clutch situations, running, defense, and your face makes me want to punch it.

The number is his .108 April batting average, which swayed opinions against him early.

That works quite well too. Mark Kotsay, you are horrible.

''If you look at the whole year from a Mark Kotsay standpoint, it's been criticism from the get-go,'' the lefty hitter said.

Wow, not only is Mark Kotsay using the third person to reference Mark Kotsay, Mark Kotsay used both his first name (Mark) and his last (Kotsay) to emphasize his greatness.

''I didn't get off to a good start, I got buried, I slowly got myself out of that hole when the team was having success in the winning portion of the season. But even in that turnaround, there was always talk that we needed a left-handed bat.''

What is with all these 'I's? I don't know who we are talking about. O yea, shitty fuckbag Mark Kotsay.

''Hey, you know what? It's been the whole season. I think I was able to carry myself in a professional manner and realize, 'Yeah, my success as a whole, if I evaluate my whole year, it's not nearly where I wanted it to end.' But I think I battled, I think I fought the whole season.''

"Mark Kotsay likes to use the word 'whole'. You peasants will just have to deal with the confusion Mark Kotsay's quotes breed."

Also, if you were wondering just how well Mark Kotsay did on a whole, this whole season, his WAR was -0.8, down from his dreadful -0.3 season last year. Your whole season has been worse than any bum we could have pulled up from AAA you douchefuck.

Sox designated hitters entered Sunday's finale with the Los Angeles Angels hitting .244 with 17 homers, tied for 10th in the American League, and 60 RBI, 13th in the AL.

If you hate scary numbers and were wondering, those are not good.

But Kotsay chooses to focus on the Sox' 27-18 record when he was the starting DH, as well as what the DH-by-committee meant to players such as Paul Konerko, Juan Pierre, Carlos Quentin, Alex Rios and even Mark Teahen when he came back from his injury.

''We were able to give Paul the DH position, and hopefully most people would say that the first-base position was played quite well defensively [between Konerko and Kotsay],'' Kotsay said. ''[Juan Pierre] was an iron man, so he played almost every day in left field. Carlos played in as many games [in right field] as he has in three seasons, so obviously [getting work as the DH] helped Carlos and his ability to stay on the field and stay healthy. Paul hasn't had an injury all season -- he's been on the field and been healthy.

Carlos Quentin had to play 103 games in right field this year, which is exactly 103 more games than he ever should be allowed to play in the field. If the grindy, terrible Mark Kotsay was not around, maybe those games we would have just kept Carlos at DH.

Also, if you ever attribute strength to Juan Pierre in any way, ever again, I'm murdering like 1,000 strippers.

The rest of the article is pretty mundane Kotsay bashing, which I won't bore you with. Kotsay needs to be bashed with the full fury of the intertubes and the free reign in swearing which blogs provide. (You can't call him a douchefuck in the Sun Times)

Mark Kotsay is bad. He should not be allowed to play professional baseball anymore. He gives me an ulcer every time I see him walk up to the plate. I went to Frank Thomas Day at US Cellular earlier this year, and seeing Kotsay not in the lineup made me happier than when Ron Karkovice was shown on the big screen. I hate everything about Kotsay (except his hot wife). Which is why this closing quote made me so happy...

''My future probably doesn't lie in Chicago,'' he said at the start of the Angels series.


  1. I would like to see Kotsay's WAR in those games when he started at DH and lead the Sox to their incredible winning record. Is anyone nerdy enough or actually know how to do that?

  2. Any time you combine swear words like Zach did in this article it just increases its validity. I believe everything written.

    By far the best part was Kotsay's I found some more pictures on one of our favorite sites, Ump Bump.