Friday, October 22, 2010

2011 Cubs Payroll…Seriously?

So I was watching some sweet CLTV while I was working out and they were talking about how the Cubs are trying to cut money from their payroll for 2011. They threw up a chart of the guys who are guaranteed money next year and how much they are due, their graphic was far less cool than my spreadsheet I made below (As many of you know, making spreadsheets is one of my favorite past times, the more unnecessary the better):

Player Name

Length / Total Value (salary + p-r bonus)


Soriano, Alfonso

8 yr/$136M (07-14)


Zambrano, Carlos

5 yr/$91.5M (08-12)+13 opt


Ramirez, Aramis

5 yr/$75M (07-11)+12 opt


Fukudome, Kosuke

4 yr/$48M (08-11)


Dempster, Ryan

4 yr/$52M (09-12)


Silva, Carlos

4 yr/$48M (08-11)+12 opt


Byrd, Marlon

3 yr/$15M (10-12)


Samardzija, Jeff

5 yr/$10M (07-11)+12 & 13 opts


Grabow, John

2 yr/$7.5M (10-11)




Jim Hendry you suck!!! Maybe Pat Quinn can lower the Cubs payroll instead of lowering taxes and other stuff. Seriously how tired is everyone of these stupid campaign commercials (best one, not from IL though)? They have made me not want to vote for anyone, I may write in George Ryan. Anyone want to play Illinois politician who is/was/will be in jail bingo? I’m not hating, just saying. That’s the Chicago way,” but back then they didn’t get caught as much, they killed people.

Back to the point: The cubs suck and they are paying guys a ton of money to guy who outright suck, and/or underperform. Seriously relook at that chart, it’s crazy. Nice work Jim Hendry. How are you still employed? Someone please tell him re-signing Jim Edmonds and Aaron Miles is a bad idea, again. I’m sure he already has calls into their agents.

Let’s dive into the crap here Slumdog Millionaire style.

Soriano: $19 million next year to continue to suck. Cannot play the outfield, yet people think he is still getting used to it and are making excuses for him. He has been out there since 2006! Also he still cannot hit a curveball…mindboggling. He will also be around until 2014, fist bump Jim Hendry next time you see him. My favorite attribute he has brought to the team is his (promised) speed, he had 5 steals last year.

Zambrano: I personally am a fan of paying people not to play, shows signs of a good investment. Let’s give a huge contract to a pitcher whose career stems on mediocre pitching, mental instability and swinging like a crazy man every time he gets to the plate. I really hope next year the Cubs treat him like Pedro Cerrano.

Ramirez: Hopeless optimism is key to being a good Cubs fan, so that’s what I am sticking with for Rami. Next year he will be back over 100 RBI.

Fukudome: He was good the first game he played for the Cubs. Since then the only good thing we have to show for it are racially insensitive shirts that vendors sell outside the stadium, along with the Fukudome Headband (I think they are 10 for $1 now). $14.5 million to a spot start fill in outfielder. I believe we should all simply greet him with the first part of his last name (sound it out).

Dempster: He won 15 games last year which means next year if he does the same he will get just about $1 million per win… I hope Quade moves him back out to the pen next year so we can enjoy more of his bullpen antics, it really distracted from his crappy relief work.

Silva: He got hurt last year because he was fat. Enough said.

Byrd: The man should get a medal for playing through the crap around him last year. He also has a double animal name (sound it out again). Marlon Byrd, 10,000 cool points to the flying fish.

Samardzija: Really long name and loving El Amigo means guaranteed 5 year contract.

Grabow: Not wasting my time, it’s John Grabow. Right handed hitters hit .811 against him, seriously?!?

So am I hopelessly optimistic for next year? Of course. Do I wonder how the Cubs are going to win more than 45 games next year? Absolutely. Having over $100 million committed to mainly crappy players is not a good formula for building a good team, i.e. last year’s fiasco of a season. Do I have a solution? No, other than just get better players and do not pay bad ones as much as they are now. I merely wanted to point out the stupidity of Jim Hendry and the absolutely huge hole the Cubs are starting with for next year.


  1. First off, since when did Mr. Anonymous switch it up from frequent commenter to writer? Good stuff here though, the spreadsheet was a nice touch.

    Did anyone else notice "The Hooker" sign next to the large breasted blonde in the marlin picture. I like that advertising, very direct.

  2. I prefer frequent commenter occasional writer