Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Derek Jeter has AIDS

This may or may not actually be true. I actually have no fucking clue. However, Fangraphs ran a post a little while ago that stated all you need to get some internet traffic is a catchy title. Let's see if that works.

What I am really here to talk about is FJM'ing the shit out of George Vecsey of the New York Times for this shit sandwich that he presented us with a week or so ago. On with the show...

Thames, Schooled in Yankee Way, Plays His Role

The title is what really grabbed me in on this one. No way could a title this horrible not be followed by a completely ignorant story, not a chance.

The Yankees taught him well. Marcus Thames was a raw talent, with only one year of high school ball, but the organization knew how to prepare him.

Here are the steps that the hallowed Yankee franchise took to prepare Marcus Thames (Sidenote: I had no idea his last name was pronounced "Tims", I had been saying it Thhhames, as a gay would. My brother set me strait with a toungue lashing on this earlier this year).

1) Draft Marcus Thames
2) His overall crappiness kept him in their farm system for 7 years.
3) Give him 14 plate appearances in 2003
4) Trade him to the Rangers.
5) Sign with Yankees 7 years later after actually receiving big league experience from other teams. Works as a platoon player for the majority of the year.

That is it. That is what it takes to be taught the Yankee way. 7 years of shittiness in their farm system. Guys like Alex Rodriguez who did not flounder in the Yankees farm system for 7 years will never receive such intense training in the "Yankee Way"

Don Mattingly came down to the instructional league one fall,” Thames said, recalling how the retired Yankee star worked as a part-time instructor, just to pass along the Yankee techniques, the Yankee mystique.

I've often tried to pass along my techniques and mystique but most people aren't very receptive. If only I knew I should be pedaling the "Yankee Mystique". This consists of be a grindy non athlete while George Steinbrenner buys real baseball players.

But really, it was everybody,” Thames said, with Champagne falling all around him in the Yankee clubhouse on Saturday night, after the Yankees had beaten the Twins, 6-1, to sweep their American League division series. Thames, 33, in his second tour of duty with the Yankees,

The first tour consisted of 14 plate appearances and lots of mystique learned.

hit a two-run homer to double their early lead to 4-0 as they poleaxed the Twins, their foils from the Central Division.

Someone found the Right Click->Synonym function on his Word 2000

“Eight more to go,” Thames said, in a quote straight out of the Yankee Handbook of Standard Phrases to Maintain a Sense of Entitlement.

This handbook can be found at the corner of I'd Like to Kill George Vecsey Lane and I Just Threw Up A Little Drive.

The Yankees still teach him well.

Fucking fuckass. The first time I read this I remember being furious. Then I completely forgot about it due to my recent vacation. When I started reading it again for this piece I felt calm. Now, I'm willing to drive a stake through 4 strippers hearts.

They brought him up in 2002 and sent him away in a trade. But in the ancient manner of the Yankees — giving a second chance to useful players —

Tell that to Bernie Williams, I do not think he has officially retired yet.

they brought him back this year as a role player, and it was like taking a refresher course in Yankee-ness.

I would like to shove my foot-ness up your Yankee-ass-ness.

Even when the Yankees stumbled in the final week, losing the division title to the Tampa Bay Rays, ceding the extra home game in the first two rounds, they acted as if they ought to be playing right into the World Series, if everybody did his job.

“Derek and Georgie never got down,” Thames said, referring to Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada, the good-cop, bad-cop tandem that has been running the Yankee clubhouse for over a decade.

They also double as the giver and the taker during most of the Yankee road trips.

This domination may be all about money, the payroll that the Yankees wield to recruit the never-end of Sabathias and Teixeiras, the high end of stars, but the Yankees also know how to incorporate their backup players, their platoon players, their bench players.

They are the only team that has figured this out in the history of baseball. I still have no idea how they Yankee Gods decide these overpowering baseball intricacies such as subbing in bench players.

Somewhere in the fillings of their teeth, all Yankee players are receiving a loop message from the now gone but nevertheless vibrant Hank Bauer, rasping his annual spring message to new teammates: Don’t mess with my World Series money, kid. It still works.

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!!!! THEIR FUCKING FILLINGS SPEAK WISDOM TO THEM.

Fillings to Derek Jeter: "Fuck hitting a home run or getting to that ball in the hole, just keep hitting singles.

As the Yankees often had their way in the Steinbrenner age, there were times when they squandered home-grown talent in the lust for expensive free agents. But order was restored when the Boss was banished in the early ’90s. The Yankees stopped eating their young.

Four of their foundation blocks — Jeter, Posada, Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera — played roles in the gracefully brief dispatching of the Twins. But this modern, purposeful organization — love it or hate it — now runs in an orderly fashion. When it needs a right-handed spare outfielder, it goes for a proven quantity like Thames.

Thames came back, in the grand tradition of Yankees who were farmed out to the old major league outpost of the Kansas City A’s. Once upon a time, players like Ralph Terry and Bob Cerv were sent out to work on their game, and Clete Boyer was salted away in Kansas City to learn the infield trade. When the Yankees needed them, they brought them home.

This entire ordeal makes me want to puke. I'm sad I read this a second time.

Not that Thames could see a master plan.

What?

He marveled at his journey on Saturday night, in the clubhouse as the players frolicked with the obligatory Champagne.

Which forced you to frolic with the obligatory "Screw Journalism I'm just going with Standard Yankee Hyperbole" piece.

(Clubhouse boys and the unused Joba Chamberlain squirting the most riotously; Pettitte, a teetotaler, slipping behind the plastic covers, retrieving his dry clothing and retreating to a back room.)

So Joba's only friends are the Clubhouse boys and Andy Pettitte hates everyone. Good to know.

“I didn’t have a job, brother. Trust me,” he said Saturday night.

Thank you for slipping in that quote from the Hulk Hogan interview you did a few years back, George.

There is a few more paragraphs to this nonsense, but my head is about to explode and I still have half a day left to get through at work. I can't possibly read this idiots story any further.


1 comment:

  1. How do you write this while sitting on the toilet blowing out a load of crap takes talent. The same kind of talent expected from the guy following and elephant with a shovel. What a pathetic Rant of mastabatory Nihilism. No wonder the Cubs haven't won anything with the shithead fanbase they have!

    ReplyDelete