Thursday, December 23, 2010

FJM: Strange But Horrible

I haven't done this for awhile, mainly it takes quite a long time to sift through baseball writings and find complete shit thrown at a page just to meet a quota. While finding a writerhorrible views on every sport take complete control of sports. While Jayson Stark isn't the bottom of the barrel over at ESPN, he has a tendency to compile some horseshit, which ESPN always puts on their front page. I'm not going to go through the entire piece, but trust me when I say this, every single section begins with the worst most translucently contrived statement Stark could possibly write. By the third section I'm sharpening my knife for some stripper murdering. who consistently writes complete crap isn't all that difficult, I would much rather spend my time reading articles with thought- on Fangraphs- than mindless space filling dribble. And then there is ESPN. They openly allow people with horrible views on every sport take complete control of sports. While Jayson Stark isn't the bottom of the barrel over at ESPN, he has a tendency to compile some horseshit, which ESPN always puts on their front page. I'm not going to go through the entire piece, but trust me when I say this, every single section begins with the worst most translucently contrived statement Stark could possibly write. By the third section I'm sharpening my knife for some stripper murdering.

Hitting some strange patches in 2010


A Molina brother hit for the cycle. A Pirate got tagged out in the middle of a home run trot. And the same baserunner stole third -- and got caught stealing third -- in the same inning. And if all that could happen in one year, it's just more proof it was another Strange But True kind of season. So what better excuse to look back at the Strangest But Truest Hitting Feats of 2010.

So, you are saying that weird things sometimes happen in baseball???? I am completely flabbergasted by this revelation. Please Jayson tell me more. (Side Note: Is there any better way for parents to ensure that their child ends up as a douche bag than inserting an unnecessary "y" into their child's name? Side Bet: First writer to do this to their child is Mr. Anonymous, whose third child will be named Karyn. Female douche spelling.)

The Very Strangest But Truest Hitting Feat Of The Year


Here is the segment which forced me to FJM this...

Every once in a while, a stat erupts in baseball that's so mind-warping, it feels like it must have been dreamed up by the guys who created "Lost." But there's a reason we crank out these Strange But True columns every darned year. And it's all because stuff like this happens, in real life.

Everything about these three sentences is terrible. Please do not dirty a fantastic program like "Lost" by using it in your shitty column ever again.

So here it comes, a little tidbit we've broken out before. Heck, we confess we've even broken it out before this week. But every time we type it, we still have trouble believing it. So we're rolling it out there one more time.

Preface: the players he compares and expects you to be shocked about will be completely un-shocking you will begin looking for your old timey revolvers.

Please note that JaYson decides to start his first informative sentences with the following words: So, Heck, But, and So. I am not a terrific writer, however, that is a complete shit storm.

It involves our man Ichiro Suzuki.

He got the most hits in the American League last season. No shocker there.

Yet he still, somehow, scored fewer runs than the man who got the fewest hits in the National League (among players who qualified for the batting title).

Ok, maybe that is interesting. I don't know the player in the NL who had the fewest hits, so this could be surprising.

Seriously.

Totally.

It makes no sense, but it's a 100 percent true fact.

I like my facts to 100 percent false facts, but I will concede to your higher education that true facts may be better than false facts.

Ichiro: 74 runs, 214 hits
Mark Reynolds: 79 runs, 99 hits

Is baseball the Strangest But Truest sport ever invented, or what?

Um, no. This isn't strange at all. Ichiro played on a horrible team that scored a historically low amount of runs. Reynolds is the definition of a 3 True Outcomes player (Home Run, Walk or Strike Out) and he hit in the middle of the Diamondbacks order for the most of the year. I would expect him to have a low amount of hits and high amount of runs. That is why Runs are a bad individual stat. Runs are a good team stat, just like RBI's. Theya re a terrible individual stat for this exact reason. None of this screams strange, but thank you for wasting my time and doing it in the absolute least journalistic way possible.

The rest of the article is bad, but here are some things that make you wonder how JaYson Stark got to this level of journalism...

Strangest But Truest Trip Around The Bases Of The Year


On Aug. 11, Astros sprint champ Michael Bourn pulled off a feat we've never heard of. You should try it on your Xbox 360 sometime -- except, of course, that you should be aware there's an excellent possibility it might blow up.

Zingers. I fucking love zingers.

Strangest But Truest Home Delivery Of The Year


We're still not sure how this happened.

I'm still not sure why you are insisting on introducing every "Strange" feat with disingenuous shock.

On Sept. 9, September call-up -- and emergency pinch-runner -- Chris Nelson almost single-handedly won a game for the Rockies in which he never batted and never wore a glove.

By doing something he'd never done before in his life.

Dramatic pause...

By pulling off a straight steal of home.

Dramatic pause...

To score the winning run.

Dramatic pause...

In his team's final at-bat.

Dramatic pause...

For the first stolen base of his career.

Dramatic pause...


Pretty amazing feat. But there's more.

Dramatic pause...

It was Nelson's only steal of the year, in 17 games in the big leagues.

Dramatic pause...

He stole only seven bases in the minors. And five the year before that. And six the year before that.

Wait, we are done with the 1 sentence paragraphs?

And he'd never stolen home anywhere, any time, not even in T-ball.

Zingers.

Oh, and he was the first player in 25 years to steal home in a game in which he never batted or played the field. (Gary Pettis was the last, on June 11, 1985, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.)

So how strange was that? But still as true as it gets.

Remember the last time something shocking happened to you and you were like, "Heck, man, that is as True. As. It. Gets." That is SHIT compared with the truth that was just laid before you.


Strangest But Truest Cyclist Of The Year


Never get tired of mentioning this.

How would you even classify these? Rhetorical comments? Let's just call them Steaming Piles of Stark.

Strangest But Truest Debut Of The Year


It was the most heartwarming Strange But True tale of 2010.

HOW STRANGE BUT TRUE WAS IT??????

In September, the Dodgers called up 33-year-old rookie John Lindsey, after 16 years in the minor leagues. And on Sept. 8, he made his long-awaited big league debut.

By playing in a game he never played in.

True.

No. This must be false. I can not even believe that this is true. This is so wacky... No! So, Strange, that it must be true. HOLY FUCK I get it now, "Strange but True". You've done it again JaYson.

If you want to read a bunch of crap typed one sentence at a time because the brain dead writer does not know what a fucking paragraph is, there are plenty more fragmented sentences for you to enjoy. Oh, please don't forget...

Coming Friday: Strangest But Truest injuries of 2010.

Where the fuck is that revolver?

1 comment:

  1. That's the best I can do with the formatting. Maybe you should stop copying and pasting so many viruses onto our website.

    ReplyDelete