Wednesday, February 16, 2011

FJM: Something About Athletes Destroying Robots

Consider this a 2 day posting streak which can only equal the Cavs 1 game winning streak for major accomplishments of 2011. I actually wanted to do this post a few days ago, and since it has been picked up and bashed by several better outlets, but since I am not a real journalist and have very little integrity, here we goooooo:

Telander: Brain against the machines

Is there any chance that this article could be good? None, OK, well let's rip it apart.

Blows to the head are nothing new in sport, or life.

That little 'or life' is the first sign that Rick Telander should be committed.

I am reminded of the time I asked Mike Tyson at a news conference before a fight if he was concerned about the possible negative effects from some of the blows to the head he had received in his career.

You are reminded of this how? By the topic that you formulated and chose to write about? Or, was there a tiny green man perched on your shoulder waxing melodically about the rise of the machines?

He looked at me as if I were insane, giggled and said, ‘‘I think some of the blows to the head I’ve received have been good for me.’’

Einstein likely felt that way. Edison, for sure. Moses, too.

Einstein. Edison. Moses? Other candidates Telander was thinking of using: Boyle, Joule, Fran Drescher. Hawking, Hubble, L. Ron Hubbard. Ford, Gates, Chris Kattan.

But theirs were blows of enlightenment, ‘‘Eureka!’’ flashes of perspective and creativity dropped on them by God or the electric company.

Little known fact, electric companies existed before electricity.

Physical punches or whacks that rock the jelly-like human brain inside its skull casing cause no enhancement other than bruising, bleeding and temporary or possibly permanent damage down the road.

Why is this formula so important now...

The main reason you want to avoid getting hit in the head so many times is to avoid the future embarrassment that comes with writing an article comparable to what Telander is about to give us.

...particularly as it relates to popular sports like tackle football?

Two reasons.

First, only recently have scientists and journalists been able to put together the research and information that show conclusively the dangers of single or repeated blows, even minor ones, to the heads of athletes in training and competition. Before, it was mostly anecdote, low humor, obfuscation.

Wait, this sounds almost logical.

Just wait...

Consider it wasn’t until last year that the devious and know-nothing NFL Mild Traumatic Brain Injury Committee was restructured with seemingly authentic and un-buyable neurologists at the helm, and the word ‘‘Mild’’ was dropped altogether.

Mild. Brain injury. Ha.

I am reminded here of ‘‘minor’’ surgery, which, of course, is surgery on somebody else.

Could there be a less direct way of saying the NFL didn't give a shit about concussions before this year?

We’d better change . . . or else

Once the new knowledge gets out there, it is wrong to continue on with certain rituals, even joyous ones, that we previously thought were morally fine. At least we shouldn’t continue them in the same way as before.

What? Is this in the same article as your first few paragraphs, or was there some sort of editing mistake that meshed your column with someone from the Tempo section?

You can ask me here why hockey fighting goes on, and I’ll say I have no idea. We banned bare-knuckle fighting decades ago, but .  .  . I surrender.

Second, we live in a world that is progressing into a vast arena in which mankind has never lived, never even comprehended, the stadium of human-enhanced computer dominance.

BOOM Goes the Dynamite! There you have it. The thesis to Telander's article a mere 13 paragraphs into the piece.

It is a place where intelligence, real or artificial, will be all. Scientists say that by as early as 2045 there may well be a computer that dwarfs mankind. By then, according to the current cover story in Time, a computer might exist that will surpass ‘‘the brainpower equivalent to that of all human brains combined.’’

Don't be fooled, this entire piece is just a mask. The only reason for this entire article is so Telander can let the reader know he read TIME Magazine. Now he can lord it over all his peasant followers heads. Hoity toity prick!

That’s smart. Unless we’re really dumb.

Well, we know that you are really dumb.

And we’re not,

If by we you mean everyone in the world except for you, I could see your point.

except when we do dumb things, like let our heads get damaged continually and call it something like ringing a bell.

Or write mindless drivel and call it a Sun Times column. "Call it something like ringing a bell" is one of the worst lines I have ever read. Rick Telander, you are not funny.

In our new environment, how can anyone allow his or her IQ, or their children’s, to be lowered?

In our old environment on the planet Xiquo the goal was to lower your IQ as much as possible then ring as many bells as possible, all while murdering as many strippers as time would allow. Alas, here on Earth we must use our combined brain power to team up and battle the rising of the MACHINES.

A new way of thinking

Physical labor is already disappearing in developed countries. Robots can do that.

This line cracks me up.

And the impoverished.

That is not even close to a complete sentence. It is also mystifying to think that a career journalist is writing this.

Physical labor is already disappearing in developed countries. Robots can do that. And the impoverished. Sports are for fun at low levels. Then they’re about something else — entertainment, escapism, wealth, voyeurism even.

That was the entire paragraph. Sports are about entertainment and voyerism, and somehow wealth, but robots are taking over for poor people in the work force. DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE????

If you think the talk of silicon joining and even replacing the organic mind is nonsense, remember that your own laptop does the work a global library once did.

Telander must have had this on his mind for a long time. This is the only logical explanation for the writing of his article. That or he is super freaked out that Watson just beat Ken Jennings at Jeopardy!

Consider, as Time points out,

We get it, you read TIME, we don't. You are much better than us. Also, are there any other resources that you used to compile this piece, or was that one story in TIME all you needed to confirm Robots will kill us all one day?

...that ‘‘your average cell phone is about a millionth the size of, a millionth the price of and a thousand times more powerful than’’ the best computer at MIT 40 years ago.

When I think of Muhammad Ali, I always think of a proud, charismatic man who had to surrender his brain to get the attention he craved. And it always makes me sad, even angry.

Weren't we just talking about the rise of computers? Stick to one illogical subject please.

t’s ironic, and perfectly illustrative of our schizoid times, that two movies nominated for Best Picture in this year’s Oscar race are ‘‘The Fighter,’’ and ‘‘The Social Network.’’ In the former, brawler ‘‘Irish’’ Micky Ward, played by Mark Wahlberg, uses his brain cells as pawns as he fights his bloody way to the championship. In the latter, Mark Zuckerberg, played by Jesse Eisenberg, uses his brain cells to invent the thing called Facebook, which connects 600 million people to one another, no end in sight.

Umpbump often does a version of these FJMings where they go through an article in bullet form. If anyone could tell me where in the fuck this paragraph fits into the rest of this writing I will personally murder the stripper of their choosing.

We’ve seen each journey before — indeed, they’re the same journey, the triumph-over-obstacle journey that humans are hard-wired to love.

Ward/Wahlberg is far more dynamic as a person, a recognizable hero, however. But Zuckerberg/Eisenberg is the one who resonates, who blows your mind — a bland, friendless, blank-faced, hyperactive tech weenie as genius winner. I have never seen anything like his onscreen character before. In olden days he would have been the nerd, lost in the rat lab.

But the olden days are gone. And you can be assured that if the battle between machines and humans ever becomes confrontational, it won’t be won by fists and forearms, helmets and sticks to our delicate heads.

I can't even comment on the rest of this. This escapes so far from anything in the previous paragraphs. I am utterly shocked that an editor let this piece of garbage into their newspaper. Rick Telander, you should be ashamed of yourself.

1 comment:

  1. What I'm concluding out of this article is that we should stop using computers and wear helmets at all times.