Monday, February 21, 2011

The Life and Times of Stump Wiedman

In an effort to make our site look respectable by actually posting (since we are not going to gain respectability with the content and journalistic integrity of our posts), I'm bringing you lucky few readers another post! Considering February is the Cooly of months (February is to short as Cooly's Penis Size is to short), 3 posts out of me is astounding. Anyways, while I was over at Fangraphs this weekend I stumbled upon their Worst Hitter Ever article, which is a fantastic read. In a throw away line, the author of the post mentions the name Stump Wiedman. Seeing that our website is called Start Wedman, and these 2 names are quite similar, I thought I should be the person in charge of revitalizing Stump's career, Old Hoss Radbourn style. What you will find below is a list of factual and completely made up information on Stump. My only resources here are Fangraphs, Wikipedia, and the lack of creativity that my mind displays.

George Edward "Stump" Wiedman played major league baseball from 1880-1888, giving most of his service time to the Detroit Wolverines. He was the Brooks Kieshchnick of his time, splitting his time as a pitcher and as an outfielder. While his prowess at the plate left much to be desired (I only heard of him because he was mentioned in an article titled The Worst Hitter in Baseball History), he preformed admirably on the mound compiling a 101-156 career record.

Stump Wiedman's career was not always peaches and gravy, in his freshman season with the Buffalo Bison Stump went on to post an 0-9 record in a whopping 13 starts. Historians say that Stump pitched so poorly due to a lack of confidence and that the overall grind of playing outfield and pitching was too much for the Grandfather of Grind. However, they are overlooking one important fact. Stump was drunk off his ass for most of that year. See Stump was devastated over the loss of his one true love, Clara Barton. Earlier that year that swarthy bitch Clara up and started the Red Cross leaving Stump to create his own pleasure. Not being much of a switch hitter, and having little to no control over his left arm meant Stump's only pleasure came from old righty. His arm was simply overworked from the stress.

Have no fear chillens, Stump came back with a surge to lead the National League with a 1.80 ERA in 1881. Thanks in large part to the polio vaccine he got earlier in the year, another sign that anal injections lead to better baseball performance.

Wiedman struggled plenty with his control over the next few years, never gaining the success of his 1881 campaign. Then again, who else could have pitched so gloriously with a height of 0'0". Eddie Gaedel can kiss Stump's ass! Stump was really a thing of beauty at the plate, collecting a record 2 home runs and 112 RBI's in his 9 short seasons. Surely we can never forget the mammoth that was Stump Wiedman, and his remarkable -6.7 career WAR.

6 comments:

  1. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/21/technology/internet/21blog.html?_r=3&src=busln

    Man, look who works for an antiquated medium now. Now I'll daydream about what I'm doing with the $26K I'm making this year ...

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  2. You make the joke about February and Cooly's wang, but look past penis jokes centered around the guy's name being Stump? Really?

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  3. My humor has evolved from the juvenile level, sorry I can not accommodate your childish attitude.

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  4. Either you used the wrong "too" in describing my penis size, or you just suck at analogies. Poor effort.

    And Dave, don't worry, we've been tweeting forevs, dawg.

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  5. I heart you and your witty wordplay.

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  6. I think it just dawned on me that my little avatar picture is Carl Everett. Man, 2009 Zach was hilarious.

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