Monday, November 28, 2011

Yoenis Cespedes: The Showcase

I have paused the showcase video of Yoenis Cespesdes at 5:17 right now because I realized how amazing it is. I am also not sure how I have lived this long in my life without ever seeing a video of this magnitude. Anyways, since it has been a rather slow and boring MLB off-season so far, I have been searching near and far for anything relevant to baseball. Then I found what might be the greatest showcase video ever created. A showcase video so amazing that only a running diary can truly capture what is going through my mind as I write it. Here we go.

0:49 - I honestly had to stop the video to tweet about the sweet inspiring music that is going on right now. While I haven't actually seen his picture or any type of baseball being played, listening to some dude speak Spanish while being accompanied by inspirational music really has me wanting to go dunk a basketball, punch a random individual, or go spend $13 at Taco Bell.

2:09 - UPDATE! The inspirational music, Spanish speaking gentleman, and Star Wars credit words have finally stopped. I have enough adrenaline pumping to punt an elephant.

3:34 - Shortly after the credits stopped rolling, we get a glimpse into the baseball player that is Yoenis Cespedes. Using a rather slow song (no clue what song it is) and extreme slow motion, the viewers get strange little video clips of Yoenis hitting home runs. While I am excited to see him swing the bat and hit the ball as far as he can, the music has me feeling sad and confused. Did Yoenis just get dumped by his girlfriend? This mark in the video is also of a clip where he hits a long home run, stands to watch how far the ball goes for 8 seconds (not lying), all while someone in the stands plays some sort of trumpet.

4:53 - This mark shows a clip of Yoenis hitting home run #32 of the year which also ties the Cuban single season home run record. While that is nice, this is America. With all of this hype and a 20 minute Youtube showcase video, I thought he would be tying the Cuban home run record at 86, not 32. Disappointed.

5:36 - Shows the record breaking grand slam that Yoenis hits. How did I know it was record breaking? Because a rather loud "glass shattering" sound effect plays and scares me into choking on my cookie cake. This is followed by the Spanish speaking announcers going on for 30 seconds and I have no clue what they are saying.

6:13 - AIRPLANE SOUND EFFECT!!!! "I've done all I can in Cuba, now I must move on." Apparently this is the transition from baseball player to work out guru. Suddenly, I have no clue what is going on.

6:41 - Now we all get to see Yoenis work out without a shirt on. Classy move. It's a well known fact that baseball players work out better without a shirt on. Also, if I'm not mistaken, that is Chris Brown blaring out of my computer speakers. Final note, whoever is filming this video on the track is either running along with him, riding a bicycle, or is purposely shaking the camera as hard as he/she can. I may get sick.

8:23 - Still rocking the Chris Brown music, we all get to see Yeonis do some leg press. Not only is he leg pressing a lot of weight, he is leg pressing two of his friends who are most certainly "too excited" that they are helping him out. Seriously, look at their faces, that is pure arousal. It also just came up on the screen that he is currently benching 1300 lbs. Not sure if that is true or not, but I'm pretty sure that isn't that much.

10:29 - We get to see Yoenis shagging fly balls in right field. Apparently they don't teach catching the ball with two hands in Cuba.

10:47 - I was going to talk more about his poor fielding skills when the video transitioned into an extremely erotic workout between Yoenis and his workout partner. While this part of the video made me uncomfortable, it got worse when they used slow motion to show off his "CORE POWER!"

11:24 - They are still working out in slow motion. . .

11:27 - Now we see how Yoenis handles the center field position as he shags fly balls once again. More importantly, this clip shows how focused he is on catching fly balls. It doesn't even phase Yoenis when a random four wheeler drives behind him. That is an important skill that will transfer into the MLB. He also catches a ball behind his back. Well done Yoenis. I could do that when I was 9.

12:53 - I didn't update for the last minute and a half because I was enamored by how amazing his "CORE STRENGTH" was. At this point the viewer gets another look at some fielding practice that Yoenis is taking with the kids from the Cuban movie El Sandlote.

15:39 - DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE THE BEST!!!!!!!! AIRPLANE SOUND EFFECTS!!!!!! I am totally thrown by the fact that his little airplane graphic lands in ?, USA. What does this even mean? Does he not know the cities that certain teams play in? Would he really play for the Astros if they signed him?

16:22 - Now a map of the United States with each of the MLB teams logos on their respective cities. The ? logo is right in the middle but is right about the Twins logo. Is that subliminal messaging by Yoenis? Does he want to play for the twins? Has he ever seen snow?

16:38 - Here comes a slow scrolling stat sheet on various aspects of his career. Mind you, we have had complete silence in this video for the last two minutes or so. Not sure if this is done on purpose or not. Either way, it is making me want to see him leg press more and more weight! It also just scrolled through 3 paragraphs of text. No human can read that fast.

18:02 - A "Thank you" message is being posted on the screen. Strange because there are still over 2 minutes remaining in the video. Also, still in complete radio silence.

18:22 - Some words just flashed on the screen for a mili-second as a strange woman softball player is shown. I like the applause sound effects. We now find out that it is his mom. Strange children are cheering.

18:48 - Did he really just thank Ahman Green? Is this where Green went after his days with the Texans? Also, right after the "Thank you" went away, why was there a cow mooing sound effect?

18:55 - Yoenis also has a nice thank you tribute to his family and friends at this point. It shows three of his "friends" dancing to some sweet music while being shirtless and bad at dancing. This goes on for more than 30 seconds.

19:27 - No more thank yous, but just in case any of the MLB teams were wondering, yes, Yoenis can cook a pig.

19:58 - I almost thought that the pig part was an accident and wasn't meant to be apart of the showcase video, however, then Yoenis tells everyone The End with a red letter H and a pink letter N. Extremely confused.

If this video took me over an hour to watch and critique, how long did MLB execs take to watch the video. I am still currently sitting in silence because I am not sure what to do next. I do know though, that I need to work on my abs, pig cooking, and behind the back fly ball catching. After I have mastered all of the above, I will be ready to sign with the Twins.

FINAL NOTE: I am in shock right now and cannot proof read. This is raw, uncut, work out watching emotion right here. If you care that much, you shouldn't be reading it anyways.